Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

Insomnia

I woke with a start at 4am yesterday morning, cold sweat dampening my vest top. 

I have no clear memory what I was dreaming about but when I came to I felt uncomfortable and unsettled. It took me a while to fall back to sleep and when I did I was easily woken by traffic or my night owl housemate walking around. 

There's nothing particular that's occupying my mind, in fact I've been in an unusually good mood all week, despite still fighting off a cold. 

I managed to run home from work on Monday when the temperature took a nose dive into arctic proportions. I'm eating much better, with prepared lunches and minimal snacking - the effort to have breakfast could be better but baby steps. I gave it my all at my running club this week and look forward to a longer run in Regent's Park this weekend.   

I have to confess though, I am restless. I can feel it. I can barely concentrate on one task, always itching to be on to the next, except the tasks that I should be doing to get ME ahead. 

It's been two weeks since my last coaching session and I haven't even confirmed my months goals. I have them writing down and made a start on them but I've not shared them. THAT to me shows me that my head's not in the game. 

So I guess, until my mind realises that 4am is NOT the best time to start processing life, I'll have to up my coffee intake during the day so I stay awake and push myself harder when running after work in an effort to exhaust and force a good nights sleep on it. 

Zzzzzz 

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

I don't have MONEY on my mind

Approximately 90% of people will see the same word first. But what does that word mean to you in terms of your priorities?

It could mean that the first word you see is the topic that's most on your mind at that time, in my case it's a matter of the heart. But then, how much are your results determined by the limited word offerings, their placement, or our western tendency to read from left to right, top to bottom?

I wrote down my top TEN in the order they 'appeared' to me:
Love
Experience
Success
Health
Power
Intelligence
Honesty
Beauty
Youth
Time
… Money

What do you see?

I had a dream

I was chatting to a colleague today about dreams; he'd had one about me getting together with a fellow colleague that I sit opposite. I also had a very weird dream last night and once we'd had a giggle about how strange we both are we decided to look into them.

First I'll share my dream with you.

I work for some sort of CIA organisation and we're based in what looks like an old hospital. It's war beaten, bombed and dusty. My plain clothed team are placed strategically around and there are patients dotted around. Then, a couple of kids run in, apparently my relatives because they run up to me crying "Auntie" and hug me. The team have to then pretend we are actually doctors attending to these patients, who are in fact our prisoners or something. 

I try to usher the kids out of the building, and we're suddenly in a run down street in East London. My nephew (I don't have one in real life) jumps on me and starts hugging and kissing my face then laughs and tells me he has headlice. I check his scalp and there they are, the little buggers. I start feeling itchy. 

I send the children back in the war zone hospital which has turned into a pub and I run to the corner chemist. I walk straight up to the counter, the assistant is chatting to a male friend. I start to get impatient. I want an ointment but all they have is some old school shampoo. I pay and run back out into the street - I wake up and wash my hair! 

Interpretation:
To dream that there are endless amount of bugs coming out of your hair suggests that something is weighing on your mind that you are confused about. Perhaps you are making a big deal out of a minor matter. Alternatively, the dream refers to concerns over your public image.

To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life. You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.

To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

Conclusion:
I think the dream is symbolising the way I'm dealing or not dealing with my relationship ending.

What have you been dreaming about lately? Check out their meaning at Dream Moods