You Already Know

The afternoon sun shone gently through dainty wisps of clouds in the hazy blue sky; the emergence of spring marking its fight against winter’s determination to stay. Country scenery whizzed past as her train cut across it towards London, the grey city.

Denver stared aimlessly out of the window, catching a glimpse of herself from time to time. She really wished she had had her haircut last weekend like she’d planned, instead of giving into her laziness and vegging out in front of the television. Shrugging her shoulders, she subtly shook her head at herself. Reddish brown curls took this opportunity to free themselves from the loose bun Denver had piled on top of her head, and fell forward into her face. Irritated by them tickling her cheeks, she hastily tucked them back in place.

More beautiful landscape rushed past her window, snatching her attention once more. Why did trips like this make her feel so lonely? There was something about looking out and admiring the view that made her so wistful; watching the green space go from roaring hills and fields to the odd playing field the closer they got to the city. They reminded her of trips with him and the many trips she made, back and forth visiting family, without a companion.

It wasn’t that she was nervous about meeting up with him again, it had just been such a long time since they’d last been seen each other. He had called out of the blue and Denver remembered the heat that had rushed to her face as she answered. Okay, not just to her face. Denver fidgeted in her seat at the memory. The passenger next to her coughed loudly and shot a look of annoyance in her direction. He had been like that the entire journey from Bath. Denver wriggled a little more for good measure. 

There was a crash and a clang further along the carriage. Denver noticed everyone around her swivel their heads to look in the direction of the noise. She returned her focus to the window and leaned her head back on the headrest. It was at least another hour before they arrived at Paddington station. 

Oh god, why had she agreed to this again? 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

Secretly

"Because I need to feel loved I allow myself to be used, just so I can feel something."

Anon

Lying awake in the dark, I listen to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores. I feel like with every breath you take they get louder.

Another night of very little sleep and yet I'm just glad I'm not here alone.

You turn and slip your arm around my waist. This is what I crave the most, the warmth of you beside me but it seems to come in short supply.

What really gets me is the way you can practically ignore me all week and then be someone completely different when we're alone.

When my counsellor talks of me needing to let down my guard, these are examples of the moments I keep those walls up for because if I made myself vulnerable to you, I'd be in pieces.

Am I the reason you act so cold? Did I set us down this path, and you're just reacting to me?

Your softer snores are almost endearing, as you nuzzle my neck and pull me closer to you. Is this how you really feel? Your unconsciousness betraying you as you sleep.

I am completely confused by your presense in my life at the moment. I flit between being annoyed with you and wanting more of you. 

As the sun rises, you will stir and I'll come face to face with the other you, the one who barely meets my eye and makes me feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Can you see why I distance myself further from you?

All these secrets are silently eating away at me. I recall this was supposed to be fun but I'm definitely not having fun anymore.

Then you will call me, and all these questions will melt away until you are sleeping soundly and I'm staring at the ceiling in the dark listening to the traffic in the street below and your accompanying snores.

Distractions

Fleeting glances across the office, secret message exchanges, and a couple of nights hanging out, leading to mixed messages, office awkwardness, being stood up and a countdown to the end because he's not staying in the UK and I'm getting too involved. 

They say we only get situations that we can handle but I question whether I need to be tested in matters of the heart any more? 

Also I just don't have the time. I need to be focused on professional progression this year.

It's all been very top secret so we barely interact at work, not that we did much before, but I expect more and that's me being honest with my-damn-self so I'm left 'mildly' frustrated. 

I mean he's in a difficult position, because he's leaving the country and yet we've found that we have a great connection. It's sods law. I fall for people who will at some point leave me… so what does that say about me? What is the lesson I need to learn here so that it doesn't happen again? 

The best thing that's come out of all this has been the fact that I'm no longer thinking about the ex. This rebound fling hasn't ended in absolute chaos because it hasn't officially started, it's just brought a few things to my attention. 

2015 will be a year of conscious self learning. Who is Amy Gentles-McKie? 

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off. 

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Seven days (Day 7)

My last day on this blogging adventure, and coincidentally, the last day I will spend with him for a while. I'm spending the rest of this month alone because it's evident that, although it's only been two weeks since I moved out, he's doing fine without me and I need to be on the same page as him before we can truly be friends.

But type in 'Friendship after love' into Google and you will be depressed by the results. So not only do I have to come to terms with the fact that the greatest love of my life so far has ended, but I am also losing my best friend - Life is a f**king bitch sometimes.

I get dressed in what I feel comfortable in rather than what might impress him and head over for breakfast. I feel a bit guilty about the fact that I've not seen my housemate properly since Tuesday night, but at the moment being busy is my life.

As I eat he showers and we leave promptly, stopping at the supermarket for picnic bits and bobs. I feel more relaxed about us today. I'm just going to enjoy this experience. 

When we get out at Marble Arch it's bloody raining but it's short-lived. The queue to get in takes as little as 10 minutes and we've picked our spot and started out picnic in time for Simple Minds "Don't You". 

We feast on hot chicken, olives, salami and choritzo, plum tomatoes, and almonds. The sun graces us with its presence intermittently. It's a chilled out, happy day :) so far...

Jamie Cullum, Texas and a little music from some unknowns... He joins a queue for some tea and cupcakes and I'm still waiting on my jack jones an hour later. The artist we came to see comes on stages, performs and leaves before he returns. I feel bad for the fact that he didn't get to enjoy the performance because he was waiting in line for a tea I requested, and suddenly he's back.

We enjoy the cupcakes huddled under an umbrella because the sky has opened up and it's p**sing with rain. The wind has picked up and I'm freezing. My choice of outfit made sense in this morning's sun but now I wish I'd worn warmer clothes. He kindly offers himself up to me and I close in around him, warming myself with his body heat. It's time to go.

The journey back to the flat is quick but I've still not warmed up. He lets me borrow some jogging bottoms and we settle on the sofabed to watch a movie.

I feel content with how today has gone. After last night's awkwardness, today has been more natural. However, sitting here beside him I want to reach out and touch him, kiss him, and pull him on top of me so I can feel the familiarity of the weight of his body on me. I decide now is probably the best time to leave. In our goodbye I pick up of feelings of sorrow at my parting but I'm aware that this could be me wanting those feelings to be present.

I walk home battling many emotions. I call my friend to help me ride these emotions out. She's such a great influence/force in my life right now. She doesn't say things just because she thinks that they are what I want to hear, she weighs up all possibilities and she's honest with me. I end the call feeling calmer and clearer.

My housemate engages me in conversation about my weekend and we enjoy banter about how I'm dealing with everything. He thinks I'm doing well considering... I change the sheets on my bed. It's symbolic of a new start, a new week.

It's eleven thirty, time for bed. Over and out x

What makes you happy?!

For me it's

Love 

I loved someone once before, when I was young. What we had to start with was magical. 

When we were apart, I was so excited to see him again, I cried when we had to say goodbye, I drove 2.5 hours to spend the night in his arms and then left at the crack of dawn to make it back in time for work. 

We decided to live together after 3 months of being a couple - we'd known each other already for 6 years. Two and a half years later, he left for San Fran to chase his dreams and I stayed behind trying to find mine. 

I loved him as best I knew how but times were not always great. We hurt each other through our words, I expected a lot from him and in turn he urged me to be a more ambitious person, eventually he fell out of love with me.

It took a long time for my heart to heal after that and I found myself drawn to someone completely different. He made me laugh and opened me up again. I started to think about a future with someone again, wanted to support someone emotionally, to feel trusted and intimate. 

However, he wasn't quite ready for that. At least, not with me. Yeah, that hurt but I was quite thankful to him for it because it just proved that I could and would love again. 

After that, I stopped looking for love. I needed a break from it to allow my wounded heart to mend. But it wasn't long before I started seeing someone. 

He was lovely. Nothing like the first, and absolutely nothing like the second. We had a laugh, there was obviously chemistry between us, he was easy to talk to and he made it clear that he felt the same ease around me. We were happy just being 'friends'. 

Before I knew it, I started to really like him. I wanted to spend more time with him, share more of myself with him - after 3 months I confessed to my bestie (best friend) I wanted more from him - but I fought it a little while longer because I wasn't sure I was emotionally ready to try again. 

Eventually I told him what I wanted, a boyfriend - eek, and he wasn't keen. Ha ha. Like me, he wasn't sure he was ready. I wasn't upset, a little disappointed I guess but you can't help how you feel. I thought that was it but he still wanted to see me so we agreed to just take it a day at a time. 

Six hundred and ninety days later, we've lived together for fifteen months and are still going strong. He makes me a better person. I love being in his company and he has me in frequent fits of laughter. Even when he's 10,263 miles away, he still manages to make me smile. 

But you don't have to be in love to be happy. This is just what makes me happy today. Most other days, it's chocolate ;) 

WHOOP! HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE

Falling

How crazy is it that it's been 32 hours since I last kissed you but I can still feel the touch of your lips.

I can still smell you on my pillow and can still imagine the warmth of you lying beside me.

I love and hate feeling like this, because now I'm just waiting to hear from you again so that I can get all of this back for real.

I'm playing the game to keep me allusive, keep you comfortable and at a distance.
When all I want to do is see you or hear from you, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not thinking about it; not thinking about you.

You have something I can't have but I'm indulging myself.
God what a dangerous game, because if I get swept up in it, I lose and if I lose...

I've been here before so many times.
Why don't I know better?

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?

Answering the 'Phantom Call'

I'm waiting for a telephone call. In fact, I've been waiting for it since last week. It's not terribly important but it could put my mind to rest.

Of course, it's a phone call from a boy.

I'm stuck in limbo with him at the moment. I'm not sure if we're just friends, something more, or nothing at all. Any of which I'd be perfectly happy with, I just need to know. It's the not knowing that is slowly driving me insane.

My male friends are giving me conflicting advice. Some are saying "Let him chase you, he's a hunter". Others are saying "Make him an offer he can't refuse". Obviously my female friends are telling me to forget it altogether because he's playing games.

With all this advice flying around, I'm completely bamboozled! When did being friends with a guy become so difficult?

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

There was something about him that made her feel like a sixteen year old, but she just couldn’t quite place her finger on it. His ears stuck out slightly like Will Smith’s and his voice wasn’t exactly the most masculine she’d ever heard. But she found whenever he looked in her direction, her stomach started doing mini somersaults.

Standing out on the patio opposite her desk in his slick black shirt and faded jeans; chatting away on his mobile completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring him down. It was enough to make a girl crazy.

“Come on. Get back to work! He’s not interested. And of course you’ve got a boyfriend at home; who’s planning on leaving your ass in a few weeks, but for now he is still your loving boyfriend.”

And then he glanced up, caught her eye and smiled shyly. Suddenly all thoughts of Matthew melted away and she found herself smiling back, feeling colour flood to her cheeks. Bloody crushes.

It wasn’t anything serious thank god. Once she left the office, he was forgotten and Matthew was her only concern. She wasn’t the cheating type. Oh fantasies were a different area altogether. But they never invaded her and Matthew’s time together. But she did wonder.

Was thinking about another man, just to wile the hours away at work, did they count as being unfaithful? Did they devalue her feelings for Matthew? She did sometimes feel guilty. Imagining that Matthew never thought of anyone else and here she was daydreaming about flirting with this office stranger.

It was silly to dwell on it. Nothing was ever going to develop and as much as she happily wasted her day thinking about it, she didn’t want anything to happen. They were from two different worlds and even after Matthew left, she wasn’t planning on jumping into anything with anyone else for years, well maybe not years but for a while at least.

Why did she do it? Why was she compelled to look at him every time he walked past the office? And why did he look so good to her? She could ask questions about it all day but she’d never find an answer unless she asked him, and that was never going to happen.

In a way the ‘Spring’ office party that evening was the answer to her prayers. Maybe he’d speak to her. She didn’t even want to go really. She didn’t know anyone well enough to give up her time to stand around drinking crap wine with a bunch of pretentious fogies. But he wasn’t a fogie.

They had never really spoken. Not really. A joke or two by the kettle didn’t count as a conversation. And he looked so young. Around her age, but he seemed so good at his job and so confident. The kind of confidence that could only come with experience. Maybe he was just a confident person? She didn’t know anything about him.

She glanced up at the time display on her computer. Five-thirty. Almost time to go home, thank god. Oh damn, the party. Bugger it. Hmmm, make an appearance, have a drink, mingle… a little and then leave. Good plan. Another glance at the time and only seven minutes had passed. It was officially the longest day of her life, she thought. Fuck it, just make an excuse and go home. She couldn’t stand these people anyway.

Grabbing her coat and bag, leaving everything on her desk exactly where it was, mess or not, she switched of the computer and sauntered out of the office. The warm spring wind blowing through her hair and tingling every inch of her skin. At last, she was free.

KNEES GO WEAK

When he looks at me in that way,
My knees really do go weak.
His hands trace my bare spine,
Sending shocks of warmth up and down.
And then the tingles begin.

I close my eyes and get lost in his feathery touch.
His lips,
So soft and slightly damp where he has already traced his tongue across them,
Plant a light kiss on my collar bone.
I can hear his desire in every breath.

I wrap my arms around him,
Gently pulling his body closer to mine.
We both straighen our frames,
His chest opening up against my breast.

In the silence we're doing a mating dance,
Allowing our bodies to just go with the flow.
Touching, without any agenda except to enjoy the feeling of skin against skin.

He runs his hands down from my shoulders,
Past my triceps,
My elbows,
Until his hands are in my hands.
Our foreheads rest against each other,
Nose tips kissing...

Oh.
When he looks at me in that way...

UNDRESS ME

Shopping is a drug. I intended to pop out for 15 minutes but managed to lose a whole hour in the world of hats, shoes and pretty dresses. I was lost in a jungle of colours. And then out of the darkness came a glowing light, to which I was drawn.

There she was. She was absolutely beautiful. My soulmate. "I gots to have her!" But I'm not in a position to approach her right now so I had to turn away. Walking away, I cast one last loving look in her direction.

My love.

My soul.

Soon to be my dress! Bring on pay day.

x

CRUSH

Those pesky butterflies are off again. And all because he walked up behind me. Sigh, this is starting to get a tad annoying but I still like it. I don't know why it happens but when it does I feel like a bloody school girl. My cheeks get hot, I start sweating and tingles shoot up and down my spine. Then I start to think of how soft his touch would be and how it would feel to be all up close and personal with him. The sweet smell of his aftershave and the heat of his breath as he leans forward to kiss me. God damn it! There they go again.

But this little fantasy is what gets me through the day. Breaking the dreariness of the nine to five by playing silent games with my secret crush. And we play them all day. I know what he's thinking when we lock eyes as he walks past my office and when we brush arms as we pass each other in the corridor. He tries so hard not to show it but I can tell that he wants me. One day I really want to just grab him and kiss the shit out of him. Obviously not literally shit but, ah you know what I mean! Sigh, but until that day I guess I'm just going to have to apply some stronger deodorant.

;) x