A Year On: Youth

I remember when I could drink all night and manage a full day's work the next day. Now if I miss out on a couple of hours kip at night, I fall asleep on the bus home and miss my stop!

What happened to the the last decade of my life?

I went to a funeral on Friday. It was extremely emotional and if I'm honest, I felt like a bit of a fraud being there, crying. I haven't been in his life much the last few years and I just didn't feel I could justify my grief.

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I drove up with my little brother, whose actually not that little anymore as he's creeping into his mid-twenties, and we had a 5 hour trip there and back to catch-up.

He finished his degree about 2 years ago now and he's spent that time working in a pub. Forty-five minutes into our journey the big 'learn from my mistakes' sister made an appearance.

I guess I'm just concerned that he's wasting time not working in a field relevant to his degree ESPECIALLY when he wants a career in it. I wanted to communicate, from experience, that it sucks to get to 30 and still be nowhere closer to where you should be in life. I was just giving him a heads up.

And I'm fortunate to have such a diverse group of friends because one of them already works in the field so I've put them in touch on Facebook, hoping that he'll take action and get back on track.

He's not getting the pep talks from either of my parents, they take a more laissez-faire approach, so I thought I'd step in. Five years makes a hell of a difference if you use it wisely.

So bro, get on it while you still have the energy to do it. It all gets harder after 25 ;)

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x

What makes you happy?!

For me it's

Love 

I loved someone once before, when I was young. What we had to start with was magical. 

When we were apart, I was so excited to see him again, I cried when we had to say goodbye, I drove 2.5 hours to spend the night in his arms and then left at the crack of dawn to make it back in time for work. 

We decided to live together after 3 months of being a couple - we'd known each other already for 6 years. Two and a half years later, he left for San Fran to chase his dreams and I stayed behind trying to find mine. 

I loved him as best I knew how but times were not always great. We hurt each other through our words, I expected a lot from him and in turn he urged me to be a more ambitious person, eventually he fell out of love with me.

It took a long time for my heart to heal after that and I found myself drawn to someone completely different. He made me laugh and opened me up again. I started to think about a future with someone again, wanted to support someone emotionally, to feel trusted and intimate. 

However, he wasn't quite ready for that. At least, not with me. Yeah, that hurt but I was quite thankful to him for it because it just proved that I could and would love again. 

After that, I stopped looking for love. I needed a break from it to allow my wounded heart to mend. But it wasn't long before I started seeing someone. 

He was lovely. Nothing like the first, and absolutely nothing like the second. We had a laugh, there was obviously chemistry between us, he was easy to talk to and he made it clear that he felt the same ease around me. We were happy just being 'friends'. 

Before I knew it, I started to really like him. I wanted to spend more time with him, share more of myself with him - after 3 months I confessed to my bestie (best friend) I wanted more from him - but I fought it a little while longer because I wasn't sure I was emotionally ready to try again. 

Eventually I told him what I wanted, a boyfriend - eek, and he wasn't keen. Ha ha. Like me, he wasn't sure he was ready. I wasn't upset, a little disappointed I guess but you can't help how you feel. I thought that was it but he still wanted to see me so we agreed to just take it a day at a time. 

Six hundred and ninety days later, we've lived together for fifteen months and are still going strong. He makes me a better person. I love being in his company and he has me in frequent fits of laughter. Even when he's 10,263 miles away, he still manages to make me smile. 

But you don't have to be in love to be happy. This is just what makes me happy today. Most other days, it's chocolate ;) 

WHOOP! HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE

Body FAIL

At 30, I'm not old. Well, when you're under 25 I suppose 30 seems ancient but now I'm here, I am not old. So why is my body starting to fall apart?!

This weekend I got dressed up as an Avatar for a friend's 30th - I promised you a pic so here it is (eek)

I know, I know, I look like a twat but that what fancy dress is for!! 

Anyway, back on topic, obviously I got pretty drunk. I tumbled into a cab at about half past three in the morning, somehow was sober enough to wash ALL of my make up off before bed and then I promptly fell into bed STARKERS because I just couldn't function anymore to put on my PJs. 

Sunday morning brought with it glorious sunshine and horrendous body issues! WTF?! No hangover just a body that felt as though I'd been run down by a train, followed by a truck and swiftly beaten to a pulp by the Hulk. My throat ached, my nose hurt, I was suffering from an awful neck pain, shoulders ached, and my legs felt like dead weights.   

When did going out for a night of drinking, fun and dancing mean ending up in that state? 

I am not prepared. I guess my next online food shop will include more paracetamol and apparently some Deep Heat - good god! 

Getting back into the habit

For me that statement covers a variety of things – eating right, hitting the gym and reacquainting myself with an old flame, writing. I struggle with them all. Why? Basically I’m a part-time ambitious individual. 

I can work hard. I like the idea of it, but in reality I like nothing more than getting home from work, collapsing on the sofa; my only exercise being an arm stretch to reach the TV remote or a dash to the toilet during the ad breaks. Such a contrast from the boyfriend, a super buff personal trainer who eats a lot of protein, drinks his greens and believes cottage cheese is a treat - bleurgh. 

Why have I left it so long? I really have no clue. I’d occasionally get the urge but I wouldn’t be in the right situation to do anything about it there and then, it would get forgotten, time would pass, blah, blah, excuses, excuses. 

So now it’s May 2013. Summer is teasing its way back into our lives, my best friends have had babies, I am finally in a strong, loving relationship, living it up in Central London. 

I need to get my body ready for a fancy dress party in a month where I'm going as Neytiri from Avatar (what am I thinking?!) and start documenting my random every day experiences because they make me who I am – and that person is utterly FABULOUS - you need a bit of that in your world ;) 

Let’s start this show!