Emotional ReHash

Autumn was a testing time for me emotionally and physically but I handled things the way I know best, on my own.
No one truly sees the depth of my despair. They might be privy to a few tears now and again but sometimes behind closed doors there is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, energy highs and energy lows.

So I decided I would help myself out a little and seek counselling. I've gone through it before and found it immensely helpful. Every Thursday, I cart myself off to a ward in the local hospital and I sit in a room with a very friendly looking lady who sits there and waits for me to talk about anything I want.

I have been attending for a few weeks now and honestly, it just seems to be getting harder.

I've been talking to her about the pregnancy, about ex loves and the mess those emotions bring about, my relationship with my family, how I cope with loss (or how I don't cope with it).

I quipped that I have OCD of life, needing to me in control of or at least be able to compartmentalise every situation but she disagreed, she said I'm just terrified of the mess that emotions bring into my life and because I feel the need for things to be either one way or the other, when it falls into neither, I feel uncomfortable and "freak out". 

Well, what can you say to that?

How Do You Choose

When I get on the bus to travel to work there are always seats, my stop is 3 from the terminal. The closer we get to Camden, the more people get on and it always intrigues me how people choose who they sit next to.

Personally if there's an empty row, I'll choose that over sitting next to someone, unless I'm getting off soon. If there isn't then I go for the seat nearest the stairs (I always sit on the upper deck).

I guess I question this decision process because I wonder if people go for who they deem approachable, in which case I don't match because I'm mostly left last. Sad, I know.

I've actually got someone sitting next to me as I type, she's just got on, but if I take a look around there are only 3 seats left... at the back.

Note to self: smile more whilst travelling

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Do you have presence or are you a shrinking violet?

This was something raised in my annual appraisal and it's a question I have been asking myself ever since.

Do you have presence? Are you visible, heard?

Because there's a difference between being seen and someone seeing you, or being heard and someone actually hearing what you have to say.

I was in a meeting on Monday morning with a real L&D trainer, an aspiring trainer, their boss and a salesman. I came prepared, notes at the ready, desired outcome and participant action points in mind. Though the trainer was asking questions, I felt confident in my knowledge, what I wanted out of the meeting and held the attention of each attendee as I spoke.

I had presence in that meeting. Why? Because I viewed all of them my equal. But as soon as I walked out of the room and back to my desk, which happens to be in the corner of an office full of designers - none of whom I liaise with for work - I knew that presence had dissipated. I am left alone, to my own devices.

I feel my contribution falls on deaf ears and so I question my use, my capabilities, my worth. And so it all boils down to this... if invisible is how I feel, what am I going to do about it? Have I done all I can to make my presence felt? And more importantly, do I want to be noticed?

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

The friend in need

One of my closest male friends, someone I hoped would be there for me when my world crashed around me, has recently found himself alone and heartbroken. He text me and said "I finally know how you felt".

And you know what?

I felt as though I had NO advice to give him.

Not because I hadn't learnt something from these past 6 months, but because nothing I say will help. EVERY day will be hard until one day you wake up and it's not so hard anymore.

I'm friends with both of them. They are both trying to cope with the loss of someone that means/meant everything to them. 

All I could say was:

It'll take time lovely. Give yourself the space to grieve what you had. 

My only advice is to keep your distance as much as possible for now. Plus, no one expects you to jump into anything just yet. 

Love is a powerful drug, it takes a while for it all to work out of your system. I'm not fully recovered yet, but I'm no longer so under Love's influence that I can't see doing what I need to do is the best thing for me right now. 

Look after you and rest will work itself out x

How much of that I actually believe, I don't know but it's how I feel. 

The week leading up to yesterday I found myself scouring the net, reading 'how to get over/let go of your ex' articles in an effort to keep hold of my sanity. I've been like 'if I can preoccupy my mind by following a couple of things they suggest, I'll not feel so helpless and unwanted'.

I came across this article - Different Hearts, Same Heartbreak - and I thought, yes this is exactly how it feels.

So I hope they read this blog and the one I've linked to. It won't lessen the pain he's feeling but it helps (a minuscule amount) with the loneliness because everyone feels the same heartbreak…

"Don't try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x

The challenge

Where do you start? 

It's uncharted territory

At least for you

You do not know the way forward

What awaits you in the fog of the unknown?

It's literally one foot in front of the other

Hands stretched out in front of you

Hoping you can pre-empt bumps in the road

Eyes adjusting to the new light

You stumble and you fall

Wishing you could turn back

You don't want to show weakness

But you don't want to fail

When will it all become clearer? 

When will you feel more comfortable along this path? 

This challenge that you have been presented

There is no choice

You have no rights

So you keep on stepping… 

(thoughts and feelings inspired by 3.16am - Jhene Aiko - listen don't watch)

Full of you

My mind is full of you

I go to sleep with thoughts of you

I wake with thoughts of you

You haunt me 

Like a fragrance in the wind, lingering on

You are like a serpent 

Wrapped around me, refusing to let me free

I am SO mad at you for doing this to me 

But if you asked I would take you back

I cannot get over how 

I can still have love for you, dripping from me

Where yours has run dry

It is so unfair

That our love has changed 

Now my love, 

Unrequited 

Great expectations

On Friday night I went to meet a friend for a drink in Putney. It was a gorgeous evening and although I was feeling anxious about my first weekend alone, I enjoyed the sun setting and how beautiful my surroundings were. Do you ever get a high from nature? God, I love walking through parks, beside water or just being outside in the country!

Here's a pic I took of Putney Bridge.

Anyway, my friend had been in Putney with a male companion all afternoon, eating, drinking and enjoying deep conversations. I arrived to join them at a time when they were discussing 'presence' and the reason we do react to things in certain ways.

Chris is the founder of Take a Challenge. He is dedicated to helping others achieve their goals through his physical and emotional experience's of life's challenges, and trust me he's had some challenges. I digress, we discussed our understanding of our core being, our feelings/gut not emotions and how many of us lose that connection after the age of 8. Chris was basically saying that we as human's need to rekindle that connection in order to be true to ourselves and get to most out of living happy. Sounds similar to what was discussed in that webinar I wrote about 'awakening your inner coach', doesn't it?

"We should be like dogs" he said "You can leave a dog alone for a whole day, forget to feed them, tell them off or shout at them, and they will still love you. They are not expecting anything of their day, from you (other than to feed them), they just love."

I found what he was saying fascinating but I was plagued with the doubt that we could truly live like that. It was an idealistic view of life. He said we should live in the moment, be 100% present, not thinking or worrying about what has passed or what is to come, that we should live to give, with NO expectations.

No dinner and half a bottle of prosecco later, we were leaving and I felt enlightened, i.e. PISSED. I wittered on to my friend about this theory in relation to the ex-boyf. I've constantly said that since the day he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that my love for him was not finished, it hadn't reached the end. In my opinion he was calling it too soon.

After this conversation of giving without expectation I started to wonder whether I could continue to love him without any expectation. Could I be there to share private but not intimate moments with him, enjoy his company with NO expectation that he would miss what we had, miss me and want me back?

Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare

On Saturday I had to be back at the old flat to wait for a courier to collect some items I had arranged to sell. I saw him briefly in the morning before he went off to work and I was still there when he returned six hours later. I felt guilty that I was in his 'space' and wished that the courier had been already so that I wasn't left loitering around like some abandoned puppy. 

Turns out we had a lovely couple of hours. We chatted, a little about us but mostly about him, which he never did; we had tea, had a giggle and shared a nice peace-offering hug. When I left him that evening I felt like "Yes, yes I can love him with no expectation". However, a day later and I'm feeling down, missing him intensely and constantly checking my phone in case he's sent me a message, because if he's sent me a message it would mean he was thinking of me… there's never a message. 

*sigh* Maybe I'm just trying too hard to feel okay, after all I did get a tattoo to remind me to take things one step at a time... but I'm impatient, I'm emotionally exhausted and I want him back! 

(leaves post for an hour)

I just got a text from the ex-boyf about meeting up at the weekend for an event…