A Year On: Where Would You Rather Be?

A year ago today... It's a bit of a effed up anniversary but it's a good one to remember. 

So much, yet so little has changed.

The moment has come where I can say I've given it my all.

I've tried to be strong, nonchalant, vulnerable, supportive and loving; but there comes a time when you just have to admit defeat, collect what's left of your dignity and march forwards in a different direction.

Today is that day.

My actions from this point are not meant to cause harm or upset but it's time to act my worth.

For him I've always been an option, and I've waited long enough for him to realise things that have been obvious to me all this time. 

Time to refocus my energy.

In ten months time I want to be moving out of London, after having secured a new job and place to live.

A year ago I had to start thinking about me. It's time I reminded myself of that.

"When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting"

ANON

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

A Year On: Taking Control

Last night before bed I did some Ab work. I intended on getting up this morning to do them again but I chose to stay in bed and snooze.

When I'm looking at exposing my stomach to the world in less than 6 weeks, I really need to make defining them a priority but I guess I can't want it that bad if I opt to sleep over having a decent brekkie and a quick workout before my morning shower.

I had M&S cornflakes instead for breakfast, which by the way taste nothing like Kellogg's. In fact they are thicker and therefore chewier. I don't like them. I meant to pick up my smoothie from the fridge to have on the bus ride in but forgot it.

So now it's 11.12 am and I've already had my fruit snack. My stomach is crying for some food but I refuse to give in and have my crisps - I just cannot condone snacks like that before noon.

I plan to do some interval training tonight to get my sweat on and follow that up by some weights. Squats & lunges are on my mind…. as well as lunch. What's the canteen got on the menu today? Fish… might need to go to the salad bar and get some chicken or a damn burrito - I'm verging on HANGRY.

Four hours later

I stuffed my face.

Had a curried chicken stir-fry/paella-esque thing with roasted vegetables and roasted chicken. It was delicious.

Enjoyed a cup of tea, whittled my unread emails down by half and finally finished the report for my boss with a working table of contents, which I had to Google in order to get working.

I've also asked a boy out.

the decision came from a little bit of peer pressure but also, I just need to get out there. I spend most of my free time on the sofa, which isn't healthy.

I'm in my early 30's, I'm good looking, smart and funny. I'm wasted sitting at home, even if I'm there with the girls. It's time I put on my gladrags and stepped out into the world, I've got enough clothes for it after all #guilty #ebaying.

No response yet but at least I'm taking control.

And on that note, I really need to review my coaching action points....

The friend in need

One of my closest male friends, someone I hoped would be there for me when my world crashed around me, has recently found himself alone and heartbroken. He text me and said "I finally know how you felt".

And you know what?

I felt as though I had NO advice to give him.

Not because I hadn't learnt something from these past 6 months, but because nothing I say will help. EVERY day will be hard until one day you wake up and it's not so hard anymore.

I'm friends with both of them. They are both trying to cope with the loss of someone that means/meant everything to them. 

All I could say was:

It'll take time lovely. Give yourself the space to grieve what you had. 

My only advice is to keep your distance as much as possible for now. Plus, no one expects you to jump into anything just yet. 

Love is a powerful drug, it takes a while for it all to work out of your system. I'm not fully recovered yet, but I'm no longer so under Love's influence that I can't see doing what I need to do is the best thing for me right now. 

Look after you and rest will work itself out x

How much of that I actually believe, I don't know but it's how I feel. 

The week leading up to yesterday I found myself scouring the net, reading 'how to get over/let go of your ex' articles in an effort to keep hold of my sanity. I've been like 'if I can preoccupy my mind by following a couple of things they suggest, I'll not feel so helpless and unwanted'.

I came across this article - Different Hearts, Same Heartbreak - and I thought, yes this is exactly how it feels.

So I hope they read this blog and the one I've linked to. It won't lessen the pain he's feeling but it helps (a minuscule amount) with the loneliness because everyone feels the same heartbreak…

"Don't try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

Summer weekend - there's nothing like it

So, Saturday night saw me celebrating 2 years of being in love! Awwwww, I know. But it's totally something I should celebrate because my beautiful boyf is someone who is strong enough to pull me up on all my bullsh*t behaviour/excuses/outlook; is supportive enough to let me cry on his shoulder or chest (whichever is readily available) just because I need to cry and for no other reason; as well as being kind, and silly, enough to play-fight with me late at night when he has to get up at the crack of dawn because I am restless.

Blimey this boy needs a medal for putting up with me :)

Anyway that's not the point of this post, the point is that I booked us tickets to see Thriller - LIVE and it was totally awesome!!!!!

At first I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to be watching because I didn't read anything about the show leading up to the date we had tickets for it, after all I was going because of my love for MJ hits not the shows ratings. Within minutes I was singing away to some early J5 hit songs, initially quietly because I'd already partly embarrassed myself by accusing the girl sitting next to me of being my one of my booked seats before I realised that I had in fact read the seat numbers wrong in my excitement to get in there. Then they had us up dancing, part-taking in the show and I loved every second of it.

The performance to Dirty Diana, one of my favourite tunes, was just as erotic and 'dirty' as the tone of the song. When it was over I had a sore throat from screaming, hollering, hollering and whooping and a sudden urge to dance the night away.Unfortunately the boyf was pooped, so we walked through the busy streets of Soho until we got to our bus stop, singing an array of Michael's songs to each other in the cool Summer breeze.

Sunday brought with it an energetic start, for me anyway as I am lazy remember, and I hit the boyf's studio for a run through of a new circuit session. As I type this a day later I can confirm that my pecs and shoulder burn a little but it's that good pain. That kind of pain that tells me I did something my muscles are not used too. Don't get me wrong I still need all the motivation help I can get when it comes to not eating crap and hitting the gym but as long as I can get myself there 2-3 times a week I'm happy.

After a cold shower, because the heat makes me a freaking hot mess, the boyf and I packed up an impromptu picnic and headed to Hyde Park for some summer sunning with a couple of friends. 

All in all, it was a great weekend full of sunshine, friends and laughter. Such a shame everyday can't be as perfect :)