Totes Emosh

So, my sister has had her baby. I'm officially an auntie again, and she looks adorable in the pictures. I've not seen her in the flesh yet.

I've had a cold, then the flu, and am still suffering from cold-like symptoms so I didn't want to go over and infect the poor darling.

But then my counsellor questioned if perhaps I hadn't gone over, not just because I was ill but because everything is still too raw after the termination. Am I worried the walls I've built will crumble as soon my my new born niece is placed in my arms?

I made the right decision - I completely stand by that, but to my surprise when she mentioned it I cried; and it made me realise that I NEVER think about it... EVER.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it briefly, but I don't let myself feel anything. What is there to feel? It won't change anything, but her question was obviously designed to make me think about how I feel, and my reaction was one of great sadness.

She waited until the tears subsided and then asked me if I was okay. I am, truly, but it's a horrible decision to make and that fact that I had to make it hurts... every day.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Most of my closest friends are now settled in relationships or starting a family and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get the chance. Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

But let's put things in context - I'm 32, nearly 2 years single, had 2 flings in the past 6 months and I was on my own for 4 years before I met my ex-boyfriend; someone I thought I could grow old with.

My aunt has always been good with children, she'd make a brilliant mum, but she'd now 45 and cannot conceive. I'm terrified that will be me. I'm only 13 years away.

So yes, I'm sad about what I had to do. Believe it or not, I still keep count of the number of weeks I'd be if I'd made a different choice.

But the one thing I will not do is actively bring a child into the world where I cannot support it. Living with 3 other women in a busy city you don't want to be in and no plan B... I made the right decision.

The counselling has raised a number of things that seems to influence my behaviour or thoughts, my colour is one of them, or at least how I think men I am attracted to perceive me and my colour. It ties in with how I identify myself, my personality, my style.

How I protect myself from being let down by others is another strong theme in our conversations too. Does this relate to my current relationship with my mother or why it's taken so long to get over my last relationship?

No matter how emotional I find all of this, it's interesting to open Pandora's box and have a look inside.

It's scary too because you just don't know what will jump out at you but I feel like each time I take something out to have a closer look at it, when I carefully place it back inside, I'm a little stronger than before.

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Emotions

When something amazing happens to you, you're naturally sad when it's all over. It was like a flashback and I revelled in it, enjoying every second.

Like the last few warm rays of sunlight caressing my skin, I closed my eyes and felt the tingle spread from head to toe.

And though that light has gone and I'm left in the shadows; the chill bringing goosebumps to the surface, my arm hairs standing on end, a smile lingers on my lips as the memory replays in my mind.

Though you cannot start reading the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one, it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Today the sun is shining and it's a new beginning - for us both.

I've plans for a little wine this evening, lots of laughter and dancing with friends old and new. I feel as though Spring has blessed me with a touch of her love.

“It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want — oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” 

Mark Twain

I can lie to everyone but not to myself

How do I feel now he's actually leaving?

Six months ago I would have been an absolute wreck. The mere idea that I would never see him again filled me with such loneliness.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel relieved, I haven't cried... yet. Truth is, until this post, I haven't really given it much thought. I've over-analysed what has been said, implied, written, allowed 'what ifs' more space in my head than has most probably been healthy. So, for the most part, I'm numb.

Though not living together, still living in the same city made me feel safe. Like, there was still a chance. Now he's packing up and leaving town... As it happens, we've only seen each other three times since I moved out in September, and hey, I'm still standing.

Guess I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

We spoke on the phone the other night, for over an hour, and to begin with it was 'tres' awkward. I had a lot of resentment. How dare he contact me after yet another stint of silence, and expect me to be all chatty and normal? So I acted aloof... for all of 5 minutes because to be honest, I can't be arsed.

I've imagined what it would be like to hear that he was with someone else and truthfully, it made me feel sick. Friends and family have questioned whether our break up was down to there being someone else and to start with I was 100% sure that it wasn't; but when a person you spend every day with, confide in, share a bed, a life with, suddenly (for you) decides that they no longer want to be with you, how sure can you really be?

However, despite what has happened between us, the good, the bad and the ugly, I still love this person. With every day that passes, a little less in the romantic sense of the word, mainly because my heart is finally accepting what the head already knows, but he taught me SO much and we shared a lot in our time together. At the end of the day, he just wants to be happy. Who am I to resent him for that?

So we chatted, and we laughed. He still knows me so well and it made me happy to speak with him.

He said that I'll find happiness with someone else, and I have no doubt I will. Will I be happier than when I was with him...? Who knows.

There's a quote about exes being friends.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love, or still are"

I'd really like to believe that love can still exist between two past lovers without it being so black and white but maybe it would be healthier to cut all ties and start from scratch.

Love and Hate

I've never questioned whether you can feel these two opposing emotions at the same time for one person; I guess I've never needed to.

It's strange. The battle can have the most bizarre effect on everything, from your health, energy levels, outlook, to the way you dress, how much make-up you apply or how you wear your hair, and the words you choose to use in conversation when talking about that person or the situation you find yourself in.

Today I'm low. I'm a lil' emotional, I'm incredibly tired and I'm just ready to give in. That lottery win is desperately needed to revive me. I'd buy a nice flat, so I don't have to deal with the ridiculous renting situ, and book myself and some friends on a holiday of a lifetime.

I must stress, I'm not relying on the lottery to solve my problems - it's just a pipe dream. In reality, I know it has a lot to do with not dwelling on it, being busy and time.

'It'll get better with time' is the phrase I hear the most, and I know that it will. It's only in moments like this that I feel like I've been terribly wronged and that all is hopeless.

I was venting to a friend earlier, got dramatic and said:

"I wish we'd never got together". 

She patiently responded:

"Well that's not good. Love is a good thing". 

Despondent me:

"Not when it ends!"

To which she replied:

"Nothing is when it ends. But at least you know true love, and now you know not to accept anything less." 

I didn't reply because all I could say is, I know how to give 'true love' not to receive it. He said he's not sure if he 'truly' ever loved me. But that's me being petty; it's also not 100% true - that's just my battered heart's understanding of what he said… it's also the one thing that keeps me awake at night and breaks my heart anew.

It'll fade, it'll all fade; and before my sense kicks in I'll probably be infatuated with another guy.

"All that's here is what you left behind (majesty), 

Slowly moving in the back of my mind (can't forget)

Take a moment to remember me (and our ways)

Make me blind so I don't ever look back"

Night Sky, Chvrches

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Full of you

My mind is full of you

I go to sleep with thoughts of you

I wake with thoughts of you

You haunt me 

Like a fragrance in the wind, lingering on

You are like a serpent 

Wrapped around me, refusing to let me free

I am SO mad at you for doing this to me 

But if you asked I would take you back

I cannot get over how 

I can still have love for you, dripping from me

Where yours has run dry

It is so unfair

That our love has changed 

Now my love, 

Unrequited 

When the love is over

Four weeks to the day that he broke my heart, I moved out of our shared flat. The actual move was easy, the hard part was the goodbye.

He was sat on the bed, Mac on his lap, as I walked in to tell him I was done with the last of my packing and making a move. I wanted him to get up and pull me into his arms, make me feel less alone in that moment but he remained on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his blue eyes searching my face.

I didn't want to linger, I'd made myself vulnerable to him too many times over the last month, I didn't have the strength for another rejection. As the seconds ticked by and it was obviously he wasn't going to move, I turned my head away and waved goodbye. I barely got out of the door when I broke down, and remained crying the 25 minute walk to my new 'home'.

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in this new place long, part of me wants to move closer to my family so I'm not so alone. I'll need them when he finally leaves and I'll never see him again. I don't know why but just knowing he's knocking around somewhere out there in London makes me feel less discarded.

So we're going to try to be 'just friends', which I'll find hard at first.

I miss him being there, and that's what gets me the most; the loss of having that connection with someone, no longer sharing in-jokes, chilling on a sofa with a beer watching a movie. The physical stuff can be replaced by someone else when I'm strong enough but the friendship…

So here's to new beginnings, to taking each day as it comes - for now - and hopefully to new friendships.

Sound advice!

Maintaining focus

When something like a break-up comes along to shake your world up a bit, it's almost like a snow globe effect. Your plans, living arrangements, aspirations go up in the air and settle in a different place. You do not have, or you have little, control of where they land.

I'm currently struggling with my concentration at work. I'm questioning if what I'm doing is what I want - along with a lot of things.

For some reason lots of people at work are asking to be linked with me on LinkedIn, so this morning I clicked on to the website to accept the invitations. I came across the following article: How To Stay Engaged When Your Job Sucks by Ilya Pozin, CEO of Open Me. Columnist for Inc, Forbes & LinkedIn. Serial Entrepreneur.

I'm hoping that it will help me in the meantime, and if it can assist any of you too whether you're going through a break-up or just generally unsure of where you are in your life or profession then I'm glad to have brought it to your attention.

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.

Up late, can't sleep, baring soul - Welcome!

If my life was someone else's I'd be shaking my head and thinking "she's fucked!"

But the craziest thing is that I feel a strange calm.

I need many things in my life;
Money - I'm happy with someone else's, Friends, Family, Happiness - yes, I mentioned the 'H' word again, but something I realised recently is I also need Time.

I have loved, deeply, and lost. Ever since I've been battling with getting over it, replacing the hole he left with drink, drugs and sex (no, not rock'n'roll) but at the end of the day I'm still empty.

Where I've been finding it hard, they've found it much easier and I'm happy for them, really. At first it hurt like a mother f**ker but eventually I realised that I WILL get there, I just need a little longer.

The same applies with my life. From the outside I look like I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'll let you in on a little secret... I don't! I'm completely winging it. I've never known what I wanted to do and still to this day, 41 days till I turn twenty-five, I'm just as clueless.

But I'm not giving up hope. Because I know in time I'll figure out what I'm meant to do with my life, and I'll find someone to replace the drink, drugs... I think I'll keep the sex. But in the meantime, keep a look out for my late night soul baring sessions. I'll be here all week x

MY IMPERFECTIONS

My letter to you...

Do you need to be perfect to be truly loved? I'm just wondering because we had a very interesting conversation last night, one which had me up until around two feeling sorry for myself, and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe you do. I could be over reacting here because you know that I am such a drama queen but being told, albeit in a roundabout way, that you're not good enough... it kinda gets you thinking, you know?

What does it take for someone to love me for who and what I am? Why must I reach for the stars? Why can't I just do things my way? Why must I do them your way? How can I know who I am if I'm always trying to act like someone you want me to be?

Hey, maybe I am weak. Maybe I don't always 'look on the bright side' but that's who I've always been and I've made it this far. So, a little advice... STOP pushing! I'll make it in my own time. If that's not good enough for you, I'm sorry we can't stay in each others lives. You are meant to be here to support and help me along, not push me into a box you think I should fit into.

I love you so so much, but last night you broke my heart.

x