Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

Short Story - Test Of Character

What am I doing?

Alex tossed and turned in bed as she fought the flutters of unwanted excitement she felt in the pit of her stomach. This guy was NO good, and yet she couldn't help but fantasise scenarios where she took him up on his offer.

Alex checked her phone again. No more messages received; not that it mattered. Her mind was running wild without the need for more interaction from him.

Was this guilt? 

It couldn't be. The thoughts she was having about him clearly proved that she wasn't as concerned about his situation as she probably should be, which was even more worrying. Did this make her an awful person? How could she even be considering this?

She mentally shook herself and stared out into the darkness of her room. Alex needed to have a word with herself, a bloody stern word. Nothing had even happened… but she knew deep down, if she could have her way something definitely would. 

Alex flung the covers from her body and kicked them off her feet. She was burning up. All these naughty thoughts about a man who was completely unavailable to her, was having the most ridiculous physical effect.

Alex snatched her phone from the bed side table and opened her messages. She typed a quite note to her friend, Nina, who knew them both, and then turned her phone off. She wouldn’t be able to settle if there was a chance he could message again.

Wide awake and mildly disturbed by her desire, Alex got out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the kitchen. The rest of the house were fast asleep and as much as she wanted a cup of tea, it was unfair to boil the kettle so far into the night; she’d have to settle for water.

Winter was descending on them and the streets of North London were glistening under the early morning frost. Everything was very still, which made the scene even more beautiful. Alex stood at the window looking out on the world from her 4^th floor flat. Moments like this reminded her to be grateful for everything that she had in life. Though, this particular feeling of appreciation was tainted by her attraction to a married man.

Darren just had something about him. He was what I suppose you would call a “lad’s lad”. When Alex met him, she was instantly attracted to him. He was tall, held his own and was extremely well-dressed. He seemed to stick out for all the right reasons and yet wasn't quite centre of attention.

They had spotted each other across the bar and shared a flirtatious smile, which made Alex’s groin shamelessly tingle. They didn't speak until the very end of the evening but when they did, he won her over with his cheeky persona and intense gaze.

Alex had never wanted to kiss a stranger so much. She wanted him bad and despite after months of flirting, when she found out that he was in fact married and expecting his first child, that desire had never subsided.

Alex pushed herself off of the wall she’d been leaning on to gaze out of the window, crossed the front room to the sofa and settled on a corner, pulling the communal throw over her shoulders. She remained sitting in the dark room, resting her head against the cushion, listening to the sounds of North London at night.  

It was really grating on her that she had again unconsciously fallen for someone she couldn't be with. Over the years, Alex had noticed that this was a defence mechanism. She did it to protect herself from getting hurt but it didn't always work.

The sound of a night bus rolling past was closely followed by a few drunken giggles and shouts and then silence again. Alex closed her eyes, allowing the feeling of ‘home’ wash over her. Darren was bad news but he was a welcome distraction from the, occasionally overwhelming, loneliness she sometimes felt. 

And just like that, she drifted off into a comfortable sleep. 

How profound…

Are you actually having a profound conversation or are you talking shit?

I've just spent the better part of an evening discussing the fact that no two people take away the same meaning from any conversation. We've both been learning about the origin of communication and how we can use it more effectively and yet we've spent the last few hours confusing each other with thoughts and descriptions of feelings that, if overheard by the untrained ear, could sound… well nuts. 

That's not to say that the other member of the conversation understood where I was coming from or my intention of the sentences that seemed to escape my lips like an unexpected but not unpleasant verbal fart. She nodded and responded in all the right places so one can only assume that one was understood. 

Anyway my point is, does anyone actually pay attention to the receivers feedback (facial expressions, body language, etc) when talking/having discussions, are we all just partaking in monologues with such similar themes that it gives the impression that we are ‘conversating’ or am I just looking for meaning were there is none to be found? 

Growth Of Self: The Release

Last night I cried.

I cried tears that came from no where

That had no where to go

I cried for loneliness

I cried for happiness

For hope and for loss 

I let them roll down my face

Onto my pillow

I gave into my weakness 

Which fuelled their power

I cried for me, for him & for her

I cried until I had nothing else

Then a peace descended on me

And I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber 

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Five

When It Hurts So Bad

A broken heart mends.

Like a wound to your body, give it time and it heals. It might not work the same as it did before, sometimes it's weaker but sometimes it's a little tougher.

He is too intense. He wants everything I have and more.

I don't want to give it up.

I remember the feeling of loss that washed over me when my last relationship ended and I suddenly realised I'd invested too much of myself in him and our future together.

I want to go slow.

I want to take our time, enjoy talking on the phone, snatched evenings in-between my hectic study weekends, flirty messages. I want to learn about him, pick up on personality traits, let him teach me things about his interests and vice versa.

He wants me NOW. He wants to spend lots of time I don't have to give, meeting friends and family. He wants 'official'.

"Do not break my heart"

And then I get it.

He's pinning his hopes on me. He wants me to make it all better. I tick the right boxes, but he hasn't given it a chance to mature.

He's painted a picture and that's all he sees, but I'm interpreting things differently. I see danger. I see pain; and not mine.

I don't want to be the bad guy.

I don't like having people think negatively of me. I'd rather try to explain myself, make sure everything is out in the open and if we still can't get along then fair enough but right now I am uncomfortable.

My counsellor would tell me to try and stay in that uncomfortableness for as long as I can and not react like I usually do.

But I want to run; far and hard. I want silence. I want to rewind. I do not want this.

He wants me to save him, and all I want to do is save myself.

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Winner

It's come about so quickly I've hardly had a second to really take it in.

In T minus 16 hours I will be starting the toughest fitness challenge of my life.

Why I agreed to do this I have no idea. In January this seemed like a laugh... the day before it, I am terrified.

There's 7 of us doing it together (4 girls and 3 boys) and some have trained more than others. I've done my fair bit but it's been no where near consistent enough, which you know from my previous posts.

I'm not going to say much more on the subject because I am literally lost for words.

All there is left to do is... SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

Just Hold On

Straight to the heart

No planned diversions

Words fired at speed

They're impact dead certain

The wall, it then crumbles

Just debris at my feet

Torn and now exposed

A soul incomplete

A remedy made available

For all this heartache

I was caught with my guard down

Vulnerable, awake

Now here we are

where damage is done at close range

Questioning the future

Regrets we cannot change

Straight to the heart

Sudden tears of relief

I am not unloved

I am not

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Waiting for the phone to ring

I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I've kind of just ended up getting into relationships with friends, or friends of friends.

They already know some or all of my 'special' qualities so I'm more comfortable around and that makes the flirting side of things A LOT easier.

My ex and I met under special circumstances. We took things into our own hands. If we hadn't I'm sure we would probably have never met. And, though it ended, we had a great time together.

So here I am, single, my heart on the mend and a recent influx of male attention. A guy has asked me out on a date, we've confirmed the day but not the time and that's the last I've heard from him.

I refuse to get in contact with him first but am I entitled to feel pissed off with the fact we've not communicated for over 5 days?

I feel like calling the whole thing off just out of principle.

Urgh, what a headache!

OMG am I freaking mental?!

It's official. I have now been signed up to do Tough Mudder.

Why oh why do I convince myself that these events are fun? Luckily I've got until August to train for it but seriously?!

We've put together a team of 11. Three are general fitness freaks, one is in training for a marathon, one has already completed a marathon, three more whom are in pretty decent shape already and then there's the girls ha ha ha. What are we thinking?

Still, it's great to have something to work towards. The videos available on their site and on youtube give us an idea of the type of fitness level we need to reach in order to, at the very least, survive. It's doable...

There's already talk of group training sessions when it starts to get lighter and gym techniques that could help us prepare - 7 months to go!

Is it weird that I'm kind of excited?

YEAH!

It's those little things

I got my hair did - done :) and I think I look completely different.

It's taking some getting used to because there's a lot of it and it's much heavier but it's nice to feel different, even if it's superficial.

I sat at home last night reading some chick lit on my kindle and I had my iTunes playing a loud on random. Suddenly this song came on, I didn't even know I was paying any attention to it until I burst into tears - oh dear. And that was it. It took about 45 minutes to get a hold of myself again but for the rest of the evening my head swam with memories and I was overtaken with a new sense of loss.

It's been over a month since I last saw him - the longest time period in 2 years. I still think about him every day in some way or another but I must confess that it is getting easier… obviously when I'm not hijacked by traitorous repressed emotions. I hope that he misses me too but there is a good chance that he doesn't, and that's okay it really is because we're no longer a couple, we no longer have ties, and most importantly he's entitled to move on.

I'm currently busy looking for new rooms to rent, in fact I've got two viewings this evening, which is exciting. But I am in a bind, I'm not sure if I should tell my landlord that I'm looking or just surprise him with a month's notice once I've found a place.

I've also got three exciting weekends lined up. This week I'm off to the country to visit my grandparents where I'm also planning on attempting my first 7-10 mile run (eek), next weekend I'm going to the ARCTIC MONKEYS CONCERT, visiting the BRUTAL exhibition, have a dinner party invite for a friend's birthday and a brunch date, and the following weekend I'm dressing up for Halloween for work, going to two fancy dress parties - Great Gatsby themed for my cousin's 18th and 90's pop acts themed for my friend's 29th. And that's October done and dusted.

I'm grateful for my health, my friends and family and for the little things that make me smile every day.

If you're going through something similar, it's not hopeless but it helps to just get through each day as it comes x

Seven days (Day 7)

My last day on this blogging adventure, and coincidentally, the last day I will spend with him for a while. I'm spending the rest of this month alone because it's evident that, although it's only been two weeks since I moved out, he's doing fine without me and I need to be on the same page as him before we can truly be friends.

But type in 'Friendship after love' into Google and you will be depressed by the results. So not only do I have to come to terms with the fact that the greatest love of my life so far has ended, but I am also losing my best friend - Life is a f**king bitch sometimes.

I get dressed in what I feel comfortable in rather than what might impress him and head over for breakfast. I feel a bit guilty about the fact that I've not seen my housemate properly since Tuesday night, but at the moment being busy is my life.

As I eat he showers and we leave promptly, stopping at the supermarket for picnic bits and bobs. I feel more relaxed about us today. I'm just going to enjoy this experience. 

When we get out at Marble Arch it's bloody raining but it's short-lived. The queue to get in takes as little as 10 minutes and we've picked our spot and started out picnic in time for Simple Minds "Don't You". 

We feast on hot chicken, olives, salami and choritzo, plum tomatoes, and almonds. The sun graces us with its presence intermittently. It's a chilled out, happy day :) so far...

Jamie Cullum, Texas and a little music from some unknowns... He joins a queue for some tea and cupcakes and I'm still waiting on my jack jones an hour later. The artist we came to see comes on stages, performs and leaves before he returns. I feel bad for the fact that he didn't get to enjoy the performance because he was waiting in line for a tea I requested, and suddenly he's back.

We enjoy the cupcakes huddled under an umbrella because the sky has opened up and it's p**sing with rain. The wind has picked up and I'm freezing. My choice of outfit made sense in this morning's sun but now I wish I'd worn warmer clothes. He kindly offers himself up to me and I close in around him, warming myself with his body heat. It's time to go.

The journey back to the flat is quick but I've still not warmed up. He lets me borrow some jogging bottoms and we settle on the sofabed to watch a movie.

I feel content with how today has gone. After last night's awkwardness, today has been more natural. However, sitting here beside him I want to reach out and touch him, kiss him, and pull him on top of me so I can feel the familiarity of the weight of his body on me. I decide now is probably the best time to leave. In our goodbye I pick up of feelings of sorrow at my parting but I'm aware that this could be me wanting those feelings to be present.

I walk home battling many emotions. I call my friend to help me ride these emotions out. She's such a great influence/force in my life right now. She doesn't say things just because she thinks that they are what I want to hear, she weighs up all possibilities and she's honest with me. I end the call feeling calmer and clearer.

My housemate engages me in conversation about my weekend and we enjoy banter about how I'm dealing with everything. He thinks I'm doing well considering... I change the sheets on my bed. It's symbolic of a new start, a new week.

It's eleven thirty, time for bed. Over and out x

When the love is over

Four weeks to the day that he broke my heart, I moved out of our shared flat. The actual move was easy, the hard part was the goodbye.

He was sat on the bed, Mac on his lap, as I walked in to tell him I was done with the last of my packing and making a move. I wanted him to get up and pull me into his arms, make me feel less alone in that moment but he remained on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his blue eyes searching my face.

I didn't want to linger, I'd made myself vulnerable to him too many times over the last month, I didn't have the strength for another rejection. As the seconds ticked by and it was obviously he wasn't going to move, I turned my head away and waved goodbye. I barely got out of the door when I broke down, and remained crying the 25 minute walk to my new 'home'.

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in this new place long, part of me wants to move closer to my family so I'm not so alone. I'll need them when he finally leaves and I'll never see him again. I don't know why but just knowing he's knocking around somewhere out there in London makes me feel less discarded.

So we're going to try to be 'just friends', which I'll find hard at first.

I miss him being there, and that's what gets me the most; the loss of having that connection with someone, no longer sharing in-jokes, chilling on a sofa with a beer watching a movie. The physical stuff can be replaced by someone else when I'm strong enough but the friendship…

So here's to new beginnings, to taking each day as it comes - for now - and hopefully to new friendships.

Auditioning for a home

It's hard not to feel defeated when looking for a house/flat share after a break up, well at any time to be honest.

Trawling through adverts delivered as they match your search preferences, reading into the tone of the blurb (do they have a personality?) sending umpteen messages about yourself and trying to arrange viewings.

Then IF you get a response you are given a tour of the accommodation, mainly focused on the room you are hoping to rent, have a forced cheerful conversation in an attempt to impress followed by the WAIT. I've been to six viewings in the last two weeks; I've liked one, didn't get it and felt crushed.

I'm now looking for two rooms as a friend wants to move with me and I think I'll need her over the next few months. I've managed to secure a viewing today. Fingers crossed this one is perfect because I need to get out of my flat. Living with someone you love, but whom doesn't love you anymore is not healthy.

I thought, as we're still good friends, I could handle being there with him; and I can but I've suddenly noticed that he acts a bit differently now. That glint he always had in his eye when he looked at me as now disappeared. That. Just. Kills. Me.

Last night I cried for the first time in four days because I finally understood - this is it. I've been telling myself for two weeks that he still loves me, that he's going away to find himself but he'll be back in six months, a year, and we'll pick up where we left off because he loves me… but last night it finally clicked.

I obviously couldn't sleep so I spent a couple of hours, until my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer, checking spareroom and gumtree, typing witty messages in an effort to show a bit of my sparkling personality.

I'm auditioning; applying for a role as a suitable housemate. There are no call backs - you're either in or you're out.

It's cut-throat, it's competitive and it's all just very overwhelming for me right now.