Auditioning for a home

It's hard not to feel defeated when looking for a house/flat share after a break up, well at any time to be honest.

Trawling through adverts delivered as they match your search preferences, reading into the tone of the blurb (do they have a personality?) sending umpteen messages about yourself and trying to arrange viewings.

Then IF you get a response you are given a tour of the accommodation, mainly focused on the room you are hoping to rent, have a forced cheerful conversation in an attempt to impress followed by the WAIT. I've been to six viewings in the last two weeks; I've liked one, didn't get it and felt crushed.

I'm now looking for two rooms as a friend wants to move with me and I think I'll need her over the next few months. I've managed to secure a viewing today. Fingers crossed this one is perfect because I need to get out of my flat. Living with someone you love, but whom doesn't love you anymore is not healthy.

I thought, as we're still good friends, I could handle being there with him; and I can but I've suddenly noticed that he acts a bit differently now. That glint he always had in his eye when he looked at me as now disappeared. That. Just. Kills. Me.

Last night I cried for the first time in four days because I finally understood - this is it. I've been telling myself for two weeks that he still loves me, that he's going away to find himself but he'll be back in six months, a year, and we'll pick up where we left off because he loves me… but last night it finally clicked.

I obviously couldn't sleep so I spent a couple of hours, until my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer, checking spareroom and gumtree, typing witty messages in an effort to show a bit of my sparkling personality.

I'm auditioning; applying for a role as a suitable housemate. There are no call backs - you're either in or you're out.

It's cut-throat, it's competitive and it's all just very overwhelming for me right now.