This is what I'm working with:
1) He's not 100% sure he wants to have children with me
2) He feels I'm holding back on my career because I'm waiting for the marriage and the children
3) He's believes I deserve to be loved 100%
4) He has love FOR me… feels protective of me and cares about me
5) He feels SAD about everything
But I bet he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night paralysed with sadness about his dreams having been swept away, that a group of amazing people have just been removed from his life, that past happiness is now in doubt of ever being real, and the sad realisation that his ability as a partner has been under question for over a year…
I am deluding myself into believing that he's going through some 'stuff' that has absolutely nothing to do with me but he just feels that he needs to do this to sort it all out... it's so much easier to believe that over 'he's just not
I feel empty. I bet he doesn't feel that either.
How can this be happening when it all seemed so perfect. We laughed, we talked, we planned, we shared, I loved…
The crazy thing is that if he took my hand this evening and told me that he's not sure he's doing the right thing and asked if we could work it out - I wouldn't hesitate. As far as I'm concerned there is something wrong in his head because this decision he's made, it's completely out of character. And then I question, how well do I really know him?
I thought I had found that grown up love. I thought we made each other happy.
I made him an offer last week. "Go! Go and experience that life you are craving on your own. Find that part of yourself you feel is missing, then come back to me because we are not finished." He acknowledged it but never agreed or disagreed to it.
In limbo I must float I guess because asking him anything else just makes me feel desperate, and though I feel it I don't want to show him. The person I am right now (the person he has made me) is not the person he fell in love with, if he ever loved me.
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