Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

50 Shades Of The Same Old Ish

After work failed to pay us at the end of Jan (there was a reason but the minus sums in my account seemed to speak louder than those excuses) I started to panic about my attitude to money.

I love buying new clothes - I feel like I'm always writing about this, perhaps I am. I really enjoy being able to reinvent my look or just buying the smaller size in something I already own because I've lost a couple of pounds #WIN

Recently my purchases have been sport related because I'm doing more of it; but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm spending money when I probably shouldn't. 

So I'm adopting a new attitude; trying it on for size for a month and then review how I've done.

There are so many places I'd like to visit, experiences I'd like to have this year and I need my game face.

So far this year I've been pretty good at working towards strength but I know I can achieve more.

Enough of this 'same old same'.

I have some really amazing friends, I live in one of the most connected cities in the world, I need to start utilising my time better, get out there and explore to world... well maybe not the world but definitely the UK. 

Edinburgh for Easter is booked, a trip to the Lake District needs to happen and a visit to Bournemouth - if I want to move there I should at least go there for a day trip. 

Life is what you make of it... so I'm letting my creative juices flow! 

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Dancing In The Rain

Saturday morning I met up with my friend for our first Zumba class together in Camden. We found it as a deal on Groupon and needed a kick start to our Bank Holiday weekend.

Five minutes in and we were sweating, panting and counting down the hour. F**k Tough Mudder, this class was an INSANE workout! But we left feeling on top of the world, ready for Carnival on the Monday.

As you'd expect from British weather, the day I was due to dance in the street wearing next to nothing it rains.

I woke up yesterday morning after a shocking nights sleep, feeling exhausted and lazy. Having stayed over my friends house so we could go to Carnival together, we both sat on the sofa bed staring out at the bleak weather feeling less than motivated to leave the house. 

The general consensus was that we'd stay home or go bowling, but at some point during breakfast we were convinced by her boyfriend that even if we went for an hour, we should make the most of the opportunity, after all we'd paid for the privilege of dancing within a secured area, unlimited alcoholic drinks and snacks. 

Donning our outfits, plus an extra t-shirt and hoodie, we ventured out into the cold - the rain had stopped. Our spirits high, we got to Kensal Rise within 45 minutes of leaving the house. Unfortunately by the time we'd got there it was raining HARD. 

We'd took shelter underneath a shop canopy and waited for the rain to ease about 15 minutes. I was tempted to go home. In fact I announced it a couple of times. I said my goodbyes and was about to leave BUT, for some unknown reason, I changed my mind and we continued on. 

Music, alcohol, laughter and lots of dancing! 

We were soaked through but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! 

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

OMG am I freaking mental?!

It's official. I have now been signed up to do Tough Mudder.

Why oh why do I convince myself that these events are fun? Luckily I've got until August to train for it but seriously?!

We've put together a team of 11. Three are general fitness freaks, one is in training for a marathon, one has already completed a marathon, three more whom are in pretty decent shape already and then there's the girls ha ha ha. What are we thinking?

Still, it's great to have something to work towards. The videos available on their site and on youtube give us an idea of the type of fitness level we need to reach in order to, at the very least, survive. It's doable...

There's already talk of group training sessions when it starts to get lighter and gym techniques that could help us prepare - 7 months to go!

Is it weird that I'm kind of excited?

YEAH!

Reaching New Heights

Rock-climbing - HELL YEAH! Albeit it was indoors but still awesome.

I arrived at Mile End Climbing Wall not really knowing what in the world I was about to get myself in to. In line with my New Years Resolution, a friend and I rocked up - did you see what I did there ha ha, ahem - in our sports gear in good time to complete our medical waivers and change into our "too small for your feet" climbing shoes.

We met up with the other people in our group, two friends Lindsay and Emma, and a couple on their first date, Roshan and Asha. Our instructor, Phil, was a nerdy looking fella with a friendly and inviting humorous approach to teaching us the ropes.

Our first challenge was to make our way around the walls of the small introduction room without falling off, including the spread eagle stretch across the open door. At first I was bothered about scuffing or breaking my nails but after 5 minutes I was bouncing around like a kid every time I managed to complete a task correctly.

We moved on to ropes and were introduced to the frontal wedgie - ooouch. The harness needs to be tight enough around your waist that you can still breath, just, and your leg straps are just a bulky version of spanx to your arse cheeks.

Climbing to the top of that wall gave me SUCH a sense of achievement but when I touched the roof of the centre and looked down to ask if I could be let down, my heart jumped into my throat, my palms started getting sweaty and I felt the blood drain from my face. I was excited and shaking with silent joy but the experience is still nerve-wracking.

All in all I give the evening a BIG thumbs up. We're planning on signing up to their beginners course, where you learn all about how to tie the knots in the ropes and the control. Now that we've completed the tasters session we can go bouldering any time we want.

If you've never been, get on it!

Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity

So Christmas is over, New Year's done and dusted, and my bank account is empty (even after payday). I'm suffering from major sugar withdrawals, having survived on purely biscuits, Quality Street, homemade mince pies and cherry pie, over-indulging on alcohol and fatty meats for the last month.

What do we have to look forward to next? 

Well, I'm back at work and in a way it's nice that it's the beginning of a new year. I'm looking out over the next 12 months and I'm able to plan what I want to achieve in that time. There's a lot of growing to be done, and lots of shrinking too - mainly my waist and jaw lines.

I'm FINALLY ready to tackle this fitness thing once and for all.

My first PT session is booked and I'm monitoring my food intake over the next month. I find that if I have to note down what I'm putting into my body, I choose much better foods... except today when I had cheese for breakfast, oops, but I do have a homemade tuna salad for lunch.

I've not done a bit of exercise in 3 weeks. This will of course all change starting Sunday when I plan to torture myself with a 5k road run even if it's raining - f**k you rain. PLUS my housemate Mel and I decided last night that we're signing up for the British London 10k Run that's happening in July. I want to complete it in under an hour.... Oh yeah!

I will master the art of squats and if my PT has anything to do with it, my new best friends will be kettle-bells. Fine with me if he gets me looking Hollywood sexy in time for my trip to LA in September.

So LOOK OUT 2014 because it's forecast to be a fighting fit, fun and fantastical year!

A little bit of Prosecco

Goes a long way :) 

I got home last night and the flat was freezing. Mel was already in bed so I switched on my leccy blanket and slipped into something more comfortable... my onesie! 

I slept like a baby. Woke up at about 10am and have pretty much say on my butt all day watching movies. 

Row got in about 3pm and we spent 3 hours drinking Prosecco, eating Hula Hoops and watching RuPaul's Drag Race :) It was a fun way to spend the afternoon. 

I then went to the cinema to see The Best Man's Holiday with a dear friend. There wasn't much time for a catch up but I'm glad I made the effort to get out of my PJs and meet up with her. 

I realise that I need to not take people for granted. You just never know when they're not going to be in your life anymore. And not just people, things... like your health! 

I've had an insane toothache all Christmas. It's affected my sleep, I've felt run down and my mood; and first thing Monday I'm registering with a dentist and doctor. And I want to get fit... I want to get healthy, so I've called on a friend to sort out a PT session.

The next year is going to be hard work but I'm going to make sure the fun doesn't stop.

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

The Greater The Love

Oh my goodness.

This house-sharing malarkey can be BRUTAL. I can see how I got so upset when I was looking before. Every rejection is like having toothpicks stabbed into your bruised heart - I'm over-exaggerating here a little.

In the last week I've sent off countless emails to people with a cosy double room and a LIVING ROOM, you'd be surprised how many properties no longer have a comfortable social area so the landlords can benefit from another rental income - mini rant.

I've been invited to 4 viewings... FOUR. I'm potentially seeing a place tonight and tomorrow but neither party have actually confirmed, which rattles my cage already.

I feel ready to move on now - come on universe, help me out a little please.

We've just sorted out all bills and stuff so there's no longer any need for us to be in touch, which saddens me a little. Two and a half years of learning about someone, being close to them, shared experiences, promises, future plans... it's a shame good things have to come to an end.

I've also just logged back onto Twitter as a way to further distract myself but it's SO easy to get carried away reading a lot of nonsense. I'm following a lot of 'interesting' facts, motivational quotes, fitness blurbs but for some reason today I've been drawn to the following:

Dagnamit

 Hmm

Wow, harsh but probably what I need to take notice of

Fact is, and this is what I fail to accept fully, it is over - there is NO going back. He wants the chance for us both to feel true love because what he was feeling was not enough. 

That's not an easy pill to swallow. In fact, it's so BIG a pill that I've had to karate chop it into a million pieces and each day I take a little piece and force it down. Eventually I'll get to the last piece and it won't be so bad, I won't feel so bad. 

Getting over someone is hard. 

No matter how many self-help quotes, books, articles you read or advice you take, the pain will cease in it's own sweet time. All you can do is distract yourself with lots of good stuff in the meantime. 

• Learn something new
• Treat yourself - to as much as you want because there is no guilt during this time. Get your hair done, get a massage or two, freshen up your wardrobe! NO GUILT. But if after you're over it you do start to feel guilty, meh, you can always sell your new stuff on eBay :) 
• DON'T drink too much or do an excessive amount of drugs, the comedown will make it worse - I learnt this the hard way during my first break-up
• Set yourself a goal - something fun or challenging, anything as long as you'll feel a sense of achievement from it
• When you're ready, get out there and start dating. Okay so you might not be ready to start something new but the getting ready for the date and going out with someone you're attracted to will boost your spirits. 

As you can tell from my blog posts over the last 2 months, I'm far from over him - in my eyes he's still the owner of my heart BUT I've stopped crying. 

We're in contact, very rarely and usually about practical things, and yeah it gets me down for a while but I just do something that I know will cheer me up and before I know it I'm back on the up'n'up. 

"The time between thoughts of them will grow longer,

And the urge to cry about what has happened will lessen.

The desire to get back out there will get stronger,

Regardless of when, it will never diminish what you felt for them." 

Amy Gentles-McKie

Mucky Races?! Yeah, I did!

I did it!

And it wasn't as bad as I thought, although it took me a while to get round the course.

I had SO much fun and it's inspired me to continue running, I'm now aiming for my first half marathon. I'm heading up to my grandparents next weekend for a relaxing weekend and will attempt a 10 mile run. I've realised that as long as I'm not focused on a time, I can go the distance comfortably :)

The obstacles were a joke!

When I saw the plan for the course and I read 'trenches', I didn't think they were serious, but low and behold… massive mud dunes and deep muddy ponds, wading through a freezing lake, followed by more trenches and a mud pit that you have to pull yourself through using a rope?!

My body is tired, I've come down with a cold, but I feel absolutely amazing for having completed it. I worked hard to prepare myself for it and I definitely felt the benefits.

A Random One

This post will be a bit of a mix about everything.

Firstly,  THIS weekend will see me trudging through muddy waters on a 12k trail of up-hill runs and obstacles with my very close friend, Mojo. I'm weirdly excited but more than a bit anxious. Look at this crap!

What was I thinking?! Mojo is bringing a waterproof camera so we're hoping that we can get a few snaps during the course - you know, something to show the grandkids.

I've not run properly in over a week but I did manage a 3k jog into work with my heavy rucksack on Wednesday morning. I was very disappointed in my performance given the distance but trust me, that bag was fricking heavy! Trust me to decide to wear biker boots and wash my hair on the one day I attempt the jog.

I went to karaoke on Wednesday - yes the same day I jogged in, washed my hair at work and broke my back carrying my life in a bag - with a group of girls from work and some of their friends. I'm always terrified that I'll make a fool of myself by singing out of tune and ruining a perfectly good song but it was SO evident that no-one really cares!

This has been a big trend in my life over the last few weeks. We push far too much importance of ourselves on others; worried about what everyone else thinks of us, when really they're all worried about the same thing - what we think of THEM. I hate to do this but #GetOverYourself

I put in an earlier post that I'll most likely decide to move house, well I plan to do so when my 3 month tenancy runs out. Everything happens for a reason and I think that I needed to move out when I did to start this recovery, otherwise if I'd waited till I found or figured out exactly what I wanted, I'd still be thinking/hoping he'd change his mind instead of feeling more like my normal self - I know I've had a few blips but overall I'm doing pretty darn good.

So I'm back on Spareroom and Gumtree looking for a new home. There's no pressure this time so I can find somewhere I actually see myself being long-term.

Final thought - my colleague and I have just decided that we're going as vampire Bananas in Pyjama's for our Halloween day at work! SO excited.

Signing off - Happy Friday Biatches :) x

Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

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