Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Mission Impooible (instead of possible)

Now this might not be to your taste but I have something to declare....

I have to be sneaky if I want to do a 'number 2' at work.

Please feel free to leave now if you're disgusted, I don't blame you, talking about poo has always been taboo. WHY? We all do it.

I've always been funny about going to the toilet. There was a point about ten years ago when I had to go to the doctor and get it all sucked out because I was so backed up I couldn't go without a little help.

I'd go to the toilet when I was comfortable, which meant either when I was in the house alone (I lived with my ex boyf), at my mum's - a 40 minute drive away or at my grandparent's who live 2 and a half hours drive away. Basically I did not go often enough and it was making me seriously ill.

I remember the woman who was 'clearing me out' turning to me and saying: "Lovely, you gotta go when you gotta go. This is not healthy." Since that day I make a conscious effort to go when I need to go.

Still it took me at least 6 months to be comfortable enough around my boyf to be able to go when he was in the house, which was the complete opposite to him - who is open with me about his daily bowel movements - it must be love.

Anyway back on topic, I work on the 1st floor of my office building and there are two toilets, one for the males and one for the females. On the floor below there are two sets, the floor below that (-1) one for the ladies, one for the boys and finally the basement.

Today I have been down to the basement on a secret mission twice. I'll take a laptop, a notepad but most just my phone, so if I get stopped I can pretend I just needed a quiet 5 minutes for a task when really it's so I can poo in peace and not have to worry anyone will hear me or worse... smell it!

*shudders*