Losing Grip

And so she held her breath once again,
Hoping that the wave of emotion seemingly taking over her body subsided.
She opened her eyes to see flicker of day light;
It felt like she was drowning.

The world around her dipping and swaying,
Pressure pushing hard against her chest, her head swimming in a drunken haze.
She hoped that she'd escaped feeling this again,
That she had control and yet her she was, feeling weightless, helpless.

She kicked her feet hard, praying that it would push her closer to the surface.
Running out of energy to fight;
Her mind began to slip.

Her lungs burned as they fought against a lack of air.
Her senses dulled to nothing;
Slowing but surely losing grip.

Thirty-Two And A Spinster - Part Eight

Acting Your Age

It was my actual birthday this weekend. I started celebrating on Thursday by going to see one of my favourite artists perform, #LucyRose.

Doors opened at 7pm, so I met up with my sister and a couple of gigging buddies at the venue. Drinks flowed freely, as did lots of random stories and so much laughter. It was an all round great night and Lucy's performance was as expected, top notch.

I was so stoked to wake up the next day to see she'd favourited one of my tweets :)

Anyway, Friday morning I felt a tad vulnerable.

It felt like the longest day of my life. I forced myself into work earlier than usual to make breakfast, which went down easily, but from that point I just felt like I kept slipping into a black hole of exhaustion - OLD age catching up with me!

But it didn't stop there, oh no! Friday nights we have drinks at the work bar so I stopped there for a couple. I'd managed to arrange a date for the evening, and as I'm sipping my wine getting all excited, who should walk in the door?! Mr Distraction!

I knew he was back in town for visa purposes but everyone who knew about me and him, were now looking to me for a reaction. (Things did not end on a good note).

For the hour that I stayed, we made NO eye contact, which is completely retarded behaviour... but it appears is the norm for us. I guess for me, I just don't know how to act around him when we're with people from work. Apart from a couple of my friends, no one knows.

And the date? No comment. Waste of my time! He didn't look like his picture and he had a sweating problem. This is my love life?!

*le sigh*

Have you ever seen those cards that are designed to look like they are from your "vices"?

A popular one is:

Well, after all the drink in my system from Thursday night and the Friday top ups, the no dinner and then suddenly messages from Mr Distraction.... my card would read:

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head, oh my"

What the f**k am I doing?! 

I only love you when I'm drunk

Have you ever reached that level of drunkeness when you just love everyone? 

It doesn't matter that they frustrated you earlier by talking over you or dismissed the point you were making or haven't made an effort in your life for weeks... you just LOVE them.

Life is too short to hate people, regardless of what they've done. Why poison your existence with bad feelings towards another?

I love you despite you putting my siblings first.
I love you despite you having left the company and me missing your ass like crazy.
I love you despite the fact I'm jealous of your new life and family.
I love you despite EVERY THING.

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Seven days (Day 4)

Ugh, I wake up drunk.

I literally roll out of bed, as late as I can, and into the shower. The water feels like a hammer to my body but the heat is at least waking me up. It's foggy out but the weather man has promised sunshine later so I'm wearing a summer dress. I slip on a pair of my new trainers, grab my overnight bag and head out the door throwing a "Morning, Goodbye" towards my housemate.

It's not cold out but I keep my cardi on as I walk to work. The state I'm in, I need the fresh air. I take the same route as yesterday and it takes exactly 45 minutes. That's not a bad walk if I can manage it at least 5-6 times a week, there or back.

The first thing I do before even speaking to anyone in the office is top up my litre water bottle. I'm going to need it today. I haven't got a headache but I feel tired and a little sick. Breakfast this morning was an apple and a banana yazoo. Breakfast of champions.

I have a meeting at ten am. I take my water with me. It lasts longer than expected but that's okay because it means most of the morning has gone. It's half twelve when I start thinking about lunch. My head just isn't in the game today.

Oomph - I need food. I've just hit that low.

So I bought a dress on Sunday and although it looked nice, it wasn't really ME. I walk to Angel's Chapel Market at lunch to exchange it for a lovely pink paisley one in the same style. I didn't bring lunch in today because, well I had a liquid dinner last night, so I opt for a burrito - regret it as soon as I take the last bite because I just want to sleep now.

The afternoon passes at a snails pace and I'm dreading Boxercise later. My colleague is telling me that I shouldn't really do any exercise because I'm dehydrated. If I don't go, I'll have skipped exercise for 3 days running. For the old Amy that would have been acceptable but not this version.

Finish my 2 ltrs of water, but I think I should try another. Still got an hour and a half to go till I can get out of here. I'm playing about with a spreadsheet in an attempt to tidy up one of our many processes and it makes me frustrated that this simple task hasn't already been done. Ooh, my fingers ache - interesting. Could I get away with a bowl of cereal?

I treat myself to a walk and buy some Sweet 'n' Salt popcorn, a small bag of almonds and one of those Naked smoothies from Sainsbury's. Arctic Monkeys have a new tune out so that's on repeat a few times as I wait for the day to come to a close. Starting to feel that sleepiness again.

I get a phone call from St. Mungo's. I'm going over to see them in a couple of weeks about being a volunteer. I might as well put my new found free time to good use.

Forty minutes left.

Today has been a pretty shocking day in terms of dragging it's butt! I think that's partly down to the fact that I've not got much to do at the moment and also the affect of the alcohol. I manage one more glass of water before I leave.

The journey to my mum's is hot and sticky but at least I get a seat. I have to be quick about it. I almost give it away because the other person going for it gives me a pleading look; any other day... I ignore the lool and make myself comfortable, well that is until a pregnant lady gets on and there's no hesitation. The bloke that was sitting next to me looks sheepish and so he should.

I won't have time to eat dinner so I'm snacking on the almonds for energy. I'm close to calling time on the Boxercise idea though, I feel so rough.

I get in and decide I'm not going, but mum and I go for a forty-five minute walk before having dinner. I'm tired and not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's nine twenty pm.

I shower before bed and end up ridiculously hot. I lie awake for a little while and start thinking about him. I'm upset I've not heard from him and with each day that passes, it's becoming more and more real - this is never going to change. 

I cry. It's ten past eleven pm.

Seven days (Day 3)

I did not want to get up this morning. I slept really well. I only woke up once. I washed my hair this morning and I'm not pleased with how the back just seems to be SO darn frizzy nowadays. I'm looking forward to when I'll get the twists in and not have to worry about the knots for a while.

I walked into work again this morning. I experimented with the route but as it's such a gorgeous day I wasn't that bothered where I was going or how long it was taking me. What did bother me was the rubbing on my little toe :( my 'new' converse are a little too small for my right foot. With time they will get more comfortable but right now - ow ow ow.

I spend the morning listening to Beyonce. I play "Why don't you love me" a few times and not because I feel sad, it's actually a catchy tune. She's a sexy beast, that Be :)

Lunchtime is spent discussing man issues with a colleague and laughing at ourselves for flapping about when a wasp tries to settle on our food. The sun makes so many issues or problems you have disappear, or at least feel less impossible.

My new running shoes arrive and I feel happy that I've finally got a selection of comfy trainers to wear, either to walk to work in or tackle this running malarky. This will be the last treat I allow myself this month. I've spent too much already and it's only the 4th Sept!

I have a couple conversations about future training and set up a meeting about a new training structure. I chase a few people to do things I've asked them to do several times already and finish the last of my water - that's 2 ltrs done, plus two green teas.

I'm excited about meeting up with my girl pal later on for drinks, although I know she's going to ask a lot of questions about me and the ex-boyf.

A friend sends me an article on kindness and I feel chills. I find that I want to become a better person nowadays. I want to enjoy my life and the people who I share special moments with because those moments are far too fleeting. The article was by George Saunders.

My favourite part of it was:
Can we succeed?  Can we build a viable life for ourselves? Accomplishment is unreliable. “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard. Success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it, and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended. 
We're having a deep conversation about what this may mean to our own lives. I'm feeling very spiritual.

My afternoon is spent preparing for the couple of meetings I have booked in tomorrow, all the while I'm acutely aware that he hasn't been in touch at all since Monday afternoon. Beyonce is still playing on repeat, her sexy beats making me feel motivated to get in shape.

I race out the door at 6pm to get down to Old Street to collect the watch I ordered (yes, another purchase) and then saunter over to The Hoxton Grill. I grab a bottle of beer and settle in a nice little alcove. She arrives within minutes of me sitting down.

The evening proceeds with non-stop drinks, several bathroom breaks, a few nibbles and constant nattering. There are a few tears shed, from us both, but mainly gossiping and laughter. It's midnight by the time we stumble out the door towards the train station. We hug, I have orange lip gloss on my face when I jump on the bus home.

I walk in the door and straight up the stairs to bed. The housemate is still up and I mumble something about being drunk. Bed feels SO good.

Body FAIL

At 30, I'm not old. Well, when you're under 25 I suppose 30 seems ancient but now I'm here, I am not old. So why is my body starting to fall apart?!

This weekend I got dressed up as an Avatar for a friend's 30th - I promised you a pic so here it is (eek)

I know, I know, I look like a twat but that what fancy dress is for!! 

Anyway, back on topic, obviously I got pretty drunk. I tumbled into a cab at about half past three in the morning, somehow was sober enough to wash ALL of my make up off before bed and then I promptly fell into bed STARKERS because I just couldn't function anymore to put on my PJs. 

Sunday morning brought with it glorious sunshine and horrendous body issues! WTF?! No hangover just a body that felt as though I'd been run down by a train, followed by a truck and swiftly beaten to a pulp by the Hulk. My throat ached, my nose hurt, I was suffering from an awful neck pain, shoulders ached, and my legs felt like dead weights.   

When did going out for a night of drinking, fun and dancing mean ending up in that state? 

I am not prepared. I guess my next online food shop will include more paracetamol and apparently some Deep Heat - good god!