To ebb and flow

Mixed feelings, bubbling to the surface

Like trapped air underwater

Desperate for release

A way of expression, time to expose thoughts

Analyse and review, 

Trapped, scared and panicked

What's holding me back? 

Keeping my eyes closed and holding my breath

Unmarked paths stretch out ahead

The horizon, a blurry line

No destination

No time frame

Just a quiet drive to move on,
To move forward,

To hold tight,
To take a deep, deep breath

Drifting

I'm staring up at blue skies, 

Body swaying 

In time with the water I'm floating on 

Weightless 

Clouds float past

Fluffy pockets of air

Making patterns above my head

Mindless

The current delivers me, finally, to land

I settle down, a firm bed made in warm sand

And here I'll remain, for a while, to mend 

So I'm staring up at blue skies, 

My body surrounded

The water lapping at my toes

Careless

Seven days (Day 4)

Ugh, I wake up drunk.

I literally roll out of bed, as late as I can, and into the shower. The water feels like a hammer to my body but the heat is at least waking me up. It's foggy out but the weather man has promised sunshine later so I'm wearing a summer dress. I slip on a pair of my new trainers, grab my overnight bag and head out the door throwing a "Morning, Goodbye" towards my housemate.

It's not cold out but I keep my cardi on as I walk to work. The state I'm in, I need the fresh air. I take the same route as yesterday and it takes exactly 45 minutes. That's not a bad walk if I can manage it at least 5-6 times a week, there or back.

The first thing I do before even speaking to anyone in the office is top up my litre water bottle. I'm going to need it today. I haven't got a headache but I feel tired and a little sick. Breakfast this morning was an apple and a banana yazoo. Breakfast of champions.

I have a meeting at ten am. I take my water with me. It lasts longer than expected but that's okay because it means most of the morning has gone. It's half twelve when I start thinking about lunch. My head just isn't in the game today.

Oomph - I need food. I've just hit that low.

So I bought a dress on Sunday and although it looked nice, it wasn't really ME. I walk to Angel's Chapel Market at lunch to exchange it for a lovely pink paisley one in the same style. I didn't bring lunch in today because, well I had a liquid dinner last night, so I opt for a burrito - regret it as soon as I take the last bite because I just want to sleep now.

The afternoon passes at a snails pace and I'm dreading Boxercise later. My colleague is telling me that I shouldn't really do any exercise because I'm dehydrated. If I don't go, I'll have skipped exercise for 3 days running. For the old Amy that would have been acceptable but not this version.

Finish my 2 ltrs of water, but I think I should try another. Still got an hour and a half to go till I can get out of here. I'm playing about with a spreadsheet in an attempt to tidy up one of our many processes and it makes me frustrated that this simple task hasn't already been done. Ooh, my fingers ache - interesting. Could I get away with a bowl of cereal?

I treat myself to a walk and buy some Sweet 'n' Salt popcorn, a small bag of almonds and one of those Naked smoothies from Sainsbury's. Arctic Monkeys have a new tune out so that's on repeat a few times as I wait for the day to come to a close. Starting to feel that sleepiness again.

I get a phone call from St. Mungo's. I'm going over to see them in a couple of weeks about being a volunteer. I might as well put my new found free time to good use.

Forty minutes left.

Today has been a pretty shocking day in terms of dragging it's butt! I think that's partly down to the fact that I've not got much to do at the moment and also the affect of the alcohol. I manage one more glass of water before I leave.

The journey to my mum's is hot and sticky but at least I get a seat. I have to be quick about it. I almost give it away because the other person going for it gives me a pleading look; any other day... I ignore the lool and make myself comfortable, well that is until a pregnant lady gets on and there's no hesitation. The bloke that was sitting next to me looks sheepish and so he should.

I won't have time to eat dinner so I'm snacking on the almonds for energy. I'm close to calling time on the Boxercise idea though, I feel so rough.

I get in and decide I'm not going, but mum and I go for a forty-five minute walk before having dinner. I'm tired and not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's nine twenty pm.

I shower before bed and end up ridiculously hot. I lie awake for a little while and start thinking about him. I'm upset I've not heard from him and with each day that passes, it's becoming more and more real - this is never going to change. 

I cry. It's ten past eleven pm.

Seven days (Day 3)

I did not want to get up this morning. I slept really well. I only woke up once. I washed my hair this morning and I'm not pleased with how the back just seems to be SO darn frizzy nowadays. I'm looking forward to when I'll get the twists in and not have to worry about the knots for a while.

I walked into work again this morning. I experimented with the route but as it's such a gorgeous day I wasn't that bothered where I was going or how long it was taking me. What did bother me was the rubbing on my little toe :( my 'new' converse are a little too small for my right foot. With time they will get more comfortable but right now - ow ow ow.

I spend the morning listening to Beyonce. I play "Why don't you love me" a few times and not because I feel sad, it's actually a catchy tune. She's a sexy beast, that Be :)

Lunchtime is spent discussing man issues with a colleague and laughing at ourselves for flapping about when a wasp tries to settle on our food. The sun makes so many issues or problems you have disappear, or at least feel less impossible.

My new running shoes arrive and I feel happy that I've finally got a selection of comfy trainers to wear, either to walk to work in or tackle this running malarky. This will be the last treat I allow myself this month. I've spent too much already and it's only the 4th Sept!

I have a couple conversations about future training and set up a meeting about a new training structure. I chase a few people to do things I've asked them to do several times already and finish the last of my water - that's 2 ltrs done, plus two green teas.

I'm excited about meeting up with my girl pal later on for drinks, although I know she's going to ask a lot of questions about me and the ex-boyf.

A friend sends me an article on kindness and I feel chills. I find that I want to become a better person nowadays. I want to enjoy my life and the people who I share special moments with because those moments are far too fleeting. The article was by George Saunders.

My favourite part of it was:
Can we succeed?  Can we build a viable life for ourselves? Accomplishment is unreliable. “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard. Success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it, and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended. 
We're having a deep conversation about what this may mean to our own lives. I'm feeling very spiritual.

My afternoon is spent preparing for the couple of meetings I have booked in tomorrow, all the while I'm acutely aware that he hasn't been in touch at all since Monday afternoon. Beyonce is still playing on repeat, her sexy beats making me feel motivated to get in shape.

I race out the door at 6pm to get down to Old Street to collect the watch I ordered (yes, another purchase) and then saunter over to The Hoxton Grill. I grab a bottle of beer and settle in a nice little alcove. She arrives within minutes of me sitting down.

The evening proceeds with non-stop drinks, several bathroom breaks, a few nibbles and constant nattering. There are a few tears shed, from us both, but mainly gossiping and laughter. It's midnight by the time we stumble out the door towards the train station. We hug, I have orange lip gloss on my face when I jump on the bus home.

I walk in the door and straight up the stairs to bed. The housemate is still up and I mumble something about being drunk. Bed feels SO good.

ReEnergise

So in a months time I will be strutting down the streets of London Town in a skin tight Avatar costume - I promise to upload a picture (eek!)

But I spent this May Bank Holiday weekend drinking a lot of alcohol; this on top of a pretty bad diet for the last couple of months. However, in my head I can kind of turn this around in 21 days. How, you ask? How indeed! I'm freaking out over here.

What I will not do is starve myself or set out to commit to a ridiculously unrealistic exercise regime that I know I'm going to sack off after my first attempt.  

So I'm increasing the amount of healthy things I do already in an effort to not just make me look good in this outfit - and I will look Beyonce FIERCE come June 1st - but also make a long term improvement to my lifestyle.

I am hoping that because these are such simple changes I might be able to stick with them. So here's what I'm doing:

1) Drinking more water - I am terrible at this because I find water so boring, but I read that it also includes herbal teas. Sainsbury's will definitely see it's Peppermint sales go up this month.

My buff, intelligent PT of a boyfriend has also advised me that it's better to reuse glass bottles because plastic can house excess oestrogen, which apparently I retain and is the answer to why I've got a sneaky muffin top.

2) Get plenty of sleep - I love sleep and I have no problem sleeping in till late in the mornings but I tend to wake up in the night which disturbs the quality of the sleep I'm getting. How to resolve this? No liquid intake after 8pm and no TV/iPhone/iPad/Laptop an hour before bed.

3) Get those veggies in - upping the anti on the vegetable intake and reducing the simple carbs.

4) Do some friggin exercise! - I can't kick myself too much here because technically I walk to work every day, so that's 30 minutes of medium pace cardio 10 times a week but I need to incorporate a couple of high intensity cardio and resistance training sessions into my week to see further improvements.

That's all doable right? We'll see. I've been doing this for 2 days so far. Will update you on my progress next week, especially as my nan's just text me to say we're having Fish & Chips for dinner tonight! Whoops