Seven days (Day 5)

I didn't sleep well. Staying over at mums means me having to share a bed with her. She doesn't exactly snore but she's not a silent or still sleeper. 

I dress all in black because its going to rain today and I thought I'd mirror the bleak weather. But mum has a little Pomchi (Pomeranian/Chihuahua) and its hair gets everywhere! 

I grab a cup of tea, mum tells me to take a banana and an apple with me, and I head out to catch the bus. It's eight fifteen am. I feel exhausted. My eyes actually hurt I'm so tired. Today will be a long day.

My luck is looking up, I get the fast train (no stops between Harrow and Finchley Road) and I wangle a seat pretty much immediately. It's raining when I arrive at Farringdon but I've got my trusty umbrella. I work double quick so my new trainers don't get too wet. My bowl of cornflakes is calling to me. 

I'm a bit busy this morning. Lots of running around to make sure people are where they need to be. Not great when it's like a sauna in the office but I gotta do what I gotta do. It also means most of the morning has passed. 

The colleague I had lunch with the other day asked whether he has been in touch, seems her game playing has worked in her favour. I've just gone from being sad about the fact that I haven't heard from him to being positively motivated by my anger. Cold turkey it must be! 

He may have said that he can't control his feelings but I still have a right to be annoyed by his actions, so I'm going to use that to push me through this. Hmm, but they always say that nothing positive will come from being negative. 

I'm now searching for posts online about forgiveness and emotional well being. Honestly, all this being sad and confused is SO emotionally draining. So I'm reading this one: A Hug's Message to Tragedy: "Move On."

"To overcome hatred with forgiveness is to take control of your circumstances and perhaps put a spring back into your step, both mentally and physically."

What am I really trying to achieve? I know that if I stop all contact with him the only person I'm really hurting is myself. On a separate note, I just found a post on an early morning rave, right here in London. It's run by a group called Morning Glory. It starts a 6.30am - 10.30am. Unfortunately I've just missed one so will have to wait until the 25th but how awesomely cool would that be? 

I think I'm going to go for Salmon Teriyaki for lunch today. I've not had any fish since Monday. For now I'll make do with an apple and a glass of water. 

Back to work. Email here, email there. Send this document, print that document. Oh look, it's lunchtime. I change shoes. As it's still raining, I'll don my trainers for the walk to Wasabi and prey that lovely orange dress I saw on the market last week is no longer there to tempt me. 

So I was a good girl. I went to the supermarket for a meal deal which means two good things happened: 

1) I spent HALF the money

2) I avoided the "Market of my Financial DOOM" 

However, on my travels I came to a realisation - being single is far more expensive than being in a relationship. You have to go out more, therefore spending more money. I have more reason to save my money now than I did before *sigh* I had a roast chicken sandwich, an orange juice and a packet of hula hoops… I feel terrible now :( my tummy is not happy. 

It's two o'clock. Four hours to go. I am looking forward to bed time but before I even get there I've arranged a run with one of my besties (why?). 

Whoop, I've just confirmed some training that I've been working on for about a month! YES! 

I'm not sure why but I'm suddenly feeling more positive about things. I give in to the dark far too easily. Perhaps this is my new mission. I said this to, well someone this week, perhaps this big event is LIFE's way of telling me that I've become too complacent?! 

Honestly, since the moment he told me it was over, I've had to think about me, and only me. What do I like doing? What do I want to do more of? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be with… apart from him? In the last month or so, I've spent more time with my friends, more time with my family, made the most of my evenings and weekends, I've gotten into exercise - come on, we now that's big. Life has become more than rushing home to spend time with him. *lightbulb*

I have a meeting about sales training, which I know nothing about, but I know people need to have structure so that's what this meeting is about. Two members of the party don't show but I am adamant that we make headway on this so the meeting goes ahead. In all honesty, I think we've made a good effort. A staff meeting follows this and before I know it, I'm stuffing a banana into my mouth and setting my iPhone to play only feel good music to get me in the mood for this run. 

The journey over to Putney, where she lives, is painless and I make it in forty minutes. I quickly change and we're off. The sun is setting over the river as we make our way towards Hammersmith keeping a good pace. We run to the bridge and back, covering 6.99km (whoop) and we're feeling good. This is all in prep for that 12K I've talked about in a couple of previous posts. 

I don't stick around; I'm tired, though pumped, and I still have to travel across London to get home. I drop him a line to find out if we're still on for tomorrow - plans to go to a gig. He replies yes. I ask what time I should aim for.... That's where the conversation appears to end.

I walk into a quiet house, the housemate must already be in bed. I have a quick shower before I slip into something comfortable, namely my onesie, and settle down for a well deserved sleep. It's ten forty pm.

Seven days (Day 4)

Ugh, I wake up drunk.

I literally roll out of bed, as late as I can, and into the shower. The water feels like a hammer to my body but the heat is at least waking me up. It's foggy out but the weather man has promised sunshine later so I'm wearing a summer dress. I slip on a pair of my new trainers, grab my overnight bag and head out the door throwing a "Morning, Goodbye" towards my housemate.

It's not cold out but I keep my cardi on as I walk to work. The state I'm in, I need the fresh air. I take the same route as yesterday and it takes exactly 45 minutes. That's not a bad walk if I can manage it at least 5-6 times a week, there or back.

The first thing I do before even speaking to anyone in the office is top up my litre water bottle. I'm going to need it today. I haven't got a headache but I feel tired and a little sick. Breakfast this morning was an apple and a banana yazoo. Breakfast of champions.

I have a meeting at ten am. I take my water with me. It lasts longer than expected but that's okay because it means most of the morning has gone. It's half twelve when I start thinking about lunch. My head just isn't in the game today.

Oomph - I need food. I've just hit that low.

So I bought a dress on Sunday and although it looked nice, it wasn't really ME. I walk to Angel's Chapel Market at lunch to exchange it for a lovely pink paisley one in the same style. I didn't bring lunch in today because, well I had a liquid dinner last night, so I opt for a burrito - regret it as soon as I take the last bite because I just want to sleep now.

The afternoon passes at a snails pace and I'm dreading Boxercise later. My colleague is telling me that I shouldn't really do any exercise because I'm dehydrated. If I don't go, I'll have skipped exercise for 3 days running. For the old Amy that would have been acceptable but not this version.

Finish my 2 ltrs of water, but I think I should try another. Still got an hour and a half to go till I can get out of here. I'm playing about with a spreadsheet in an attempt to tidy up one of our many processes and it makes me frustrated that this simple task hasn't already been done. Ooh, my fingers ache - interesting. Could I get away with a bowl of cereal?

I treat myself to a walk and buy some Sweet 'n' Salt popcorn, a small bag of almonds and one of those Naked smoothies from Sainsbury's. Arctic Monkeys have a new tune out so that's on repeat a few times as I wait for the day to come to a close. Starting to feel that sleepiness again.

I get a phone call from St. Mungo's. I'm going over to see them in a couple of weeks about being a volunteer. I might as well put my new found free time to good use.

Forty minutes left.

Today has been a pretty shocking day in terms of dragging it's butt! I think that's partly down to the fact that I've not got much to do at the moment and also the affect of the alcohol. I manage one more glass of water before I leave.

The journey to my mum's is hot and sticky but at least I get a seat. I have to be quick about it. I almost give it away because the other person going for it gives me a pleading look; any other day... I ignore the lool and make myself comfortable, well that is until a pregnant lady gets on and there's no hesitation. The bloke that was sitting next to me looks sheepish and so he should.

I won't have time to eat dinner so I'm snacking on the almonds for energy. I'm close to calling time on the Boxercise idea though, I feel so rough.

I get in and decide I'm not going, but mum and I go for a forty-five minute walk before having dinner. I'm tired and not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's nine twenty pm.

I shower before bed and end up ridiculously hot. I lie awake for a little while and start thinking about him. I'm upset I've not heard from him and with each day that passes, it's becoming more and more real - this is never going to change. 

I cry. It's ten past eleven pm.

Seven days (Day 2)

I'm dreaming. It's a nice dream, at least I think it is. I feel relaxed and… happy. However there's a pressure in my body which forces me awake.

I notice that the hall way light is still on, it means my housemate is still up. I get up and go to the toilet, purposefully not turning the light on so I don't wake up fully. Back in bed I can't get comfortable…

It's 5.45 when a screaming child rips me from my slumber WTF? See you your mini person! He shuts up about 15 minutes later and I slip back into slumber reasonably easy.

My alarm goes off as I hear my housemate go into the bathroom, I press snooze. I get up and have a wash, I showered late last night and I've not done anything to get remarkably dirty in the last 8 hours.

Again no breakfast but my bag is packed for the gym again and I've got my lunch. I'm catching the bus to work today. I plan to get off early and head to the supermarket. I'm picking up some cereal so I can have breakfast at work. I'm not prepared to wake up earlier to enjoy it at home.

The first half of my day passes unremarkably. I manage to secure a black Flapper dress on eBay for my sister but spend most of the morning emailing friends and uploading information to our online HR system. I have leftovers for lunch.

It's two pm and I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys. I plan to work through a NLP values exercise this afternoon, once I've had an 'informal' meeting about product training.

Oh god, what am I doing in life? Everyone around me appear to have a purpose for their day. My only purpose is to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of water. I message friends to keep occupied and enjoy regular trips to the toilet - result of drinking so much water.

I read an article about why we fall out of love - interesting!
Our sub-conscious has a compelling drive to repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs. The way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide. It looks for someone who carries all the positive AND negative traits of our caretakers. Although we consciously look for only the positive traits our sub conscious selects the negative as well seeking to heal those traits.
But it's too deep to continue.

I get an email to tell me that my new watch has arrived at it's pick-up point. I'm excited, though I know I've spent far too much money since I got dumped - I like using that word, it makes me angry and anger is a hell of a lot more motivational than sadness. I've made my last luxury purchase for the rest of the month.

I want to eat because I'm bored but I have no snacks. I brought in an apple and plum from home, bought a yogurt and a banana on my way in, and the banana is for an hour before I workout. There are constantly snacks being offered in my office but I refuse to give in.

I stare at the NLP exercise questions. The first exercise is about values. You have to think about the last time you experienced an uncomfortable tug as if you were being pulled away from the path you feel is right for you. Then write down what was or is important to you about that experience. I'm not in the mood to do this. I've also given in and eaten my banana.

I leave five minutes early, like yesterday so I can catch the bus to the gym... 40 minutes later I'm still on the bus no where near my destination. Major traffic! I walk home, attempting to grab some extra veg for dinner this evening - Tesco on Kingsland Road is rubbish! No broccoli? What is the world coming to?!

Dinner is jerk chicken, spring greens, carrots and sweet potato mash. I have a chat on the phone with my nan, eat, sit up and watch The Switch, with my housemate talking over most of it, until my eyelids are fighting me to close. I bid the housemate goodnight and head for my room. I've not heard anything from him but I shouldn't really expect to, still it makes me feel sad. It's eleven o'clock and I'm asleep. 

Seven days (Day 1)

I'm having a lie in. Well, I say lie in but I have to get up at seven thirty am. My new housemate is in the shower.

I woke up about 3 times last night. I'm starting to get that 'dread' feeling in my tummy on Sunday nights but to be honest that could just be that I'm still feeling emotional from last week's events.

Showering always feels like a break from reality. I love standing beneath the shower. Water has never failed to soothe my troubles.

Breakfast equates to 2 dry pieces of toast. I can't handle it with butter at the moment, it makes me want to gag. I've decided to walk today. It's gorgeous out and if I'm going to be trapped indoors all day I might as well make the most of it now. My housemate thinks me crazy for liking to walk, but on days like today I could just keep going.

Work is work - nothing interesting happens, but I talk to him for 20 minutes about nothing in particular. It improves my mood and the rest of the afternoon passes quickly.

I leave 5 minutes early in order to actually get on a bus, I'm on my way to the gym. When I arrive I change quickly and head for the brightly lit workout area. There are no weight machines available so I'll have to reverse my planned workout and hit the treadmill first.

I'm sweating profusely, my towel is completely damp, and even though I've had to stop and walk twice, I'm determined to go the distance.

I manage 50 minutes and then do 5 sets of 10 on the Lat Pull-Down. Everything else is still busy so I call it a day and head home. Even though I've just ran/walked for 50 minutes, I still have a half hour walk home. I cut through the park (it's still light and densely populated) and make it home relaxed though aching.

Dinner is 2 trout fillets, chopped carrots, peppers and onion in a stir-fry style, with a cob of corn on the side. I flick through the channels on TV as I eat but I'm done in 15 minutes.

I'm hanging out the washing I put on when I got in as my housemate walks in the door. It's nine thirty in the evening. I'm shattered. We have a chat, I enjoy a hot shower and find myself falling asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel.

I get up to close the door, change into my PJs and wrap myself in my duvet, asleep within minutes. It's ten thirty pm.