How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Are you healing through music?

So, I'm listening to two new albums at the moment. The artists and feel of the music couldn't be more different but both are striking a cord with me.

Arctic Monkeys released their new album this week, AM. Starting off with "Do I Wanna Know", where several lyrics mirror my state of mind:

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat...

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new...

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts...

Fireside, which is not only a tune you can easily bop to whilst walking down the street, it speaks to my soul - I know kinda deep but honestly, give it a listen. Alex T is clearly talking from experience and he puts it beautifully, in a twisted descriptive way.

I love the way he puts the absence of a loved one:

Like in my heart there's that hotel suite and you lived there so long, 

It's kinda strange now you're gone

And

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Oh my god! 

Anyway, in general the album flows through an array of emotions about having lost someone you love with catchy beats and chorus'. It's an album anyone can relate to whether they've been in love or had an unhealthy crush - you know what I'm talking 'bout!

The other is London Grammar's debut album, If You Wait.

Haunting melodies and insightful lyrics, these guys tap into the dark and twisty side of your emotions evoking thoughtful analysis of what you really want out of life and love. Phew! That was a bit deep, huh? But their album review by WHATCULTURE quoted "A combination of ambience, trance and a classical aura create an intoxicating blend which somewhat demands you to listen to them."

Metal and Dust paints the picture of all relationships that are built and then crumble, offering their observation in both verses:

And so, you built a life on trust

Though it starts, with love and lust

And when your house, begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

And all foundation that we made

Built to last, they disintegrate

And when your house begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

Flickers is more about those haunting - there's that word again - images and thoughts of the person who left you behind. Much like my post "Full of you". The guitar and bass rifts gives it an uplifting reggae feel. But it's the chorus:

And everytime I go to bed

An image of you flickers in my head

And everytime I fall asleep

An image of you flows in my dream

I think my favourite part of the song is towards the end around the 2.50-3 min mark when the beat kicks in a bit more and Reid draws you in with her own rifts. I get goosebumps listening to it.

Last but not least, the title track "If You Wait".

And if you wait 

I will trust in time that we will meet again

Have a listen to both, even if you think either are not really your cup of tea musically. Open yourself up.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

Seven days (Day 2)

I'm dreaming. It's a nice dream, at least I think it is. I feel relaxed and… happy. However there's a pressure in my body which forces me awake.

I notice that the hall way light is still on, it means my housemate is still up. I get up and go to the toilet, purposefully not turning the light on so I don't wake up fully. Back in bed I can't get comfortable…

It's 5.45 when a screaming child rips me from my slumber WTF? See you your mini person! He shuts up about 15 minutes later and I slip back into slumber reasonably easy.

My alarm goes off as I hear my housemate go into the bathroom, I press snooze. I get up and have a wash, I showered late last night and I've not done anything to get remarkably dirty in the last 8 hours.

Again no breakfast but my bag is packed for the gym again and I've got my lunch. I'm catching the bus to work today. I plan to get off early and head to the supermarket. I'm picking up some cereal so I can have breakfast at work. I'm not prepared to wake up earlier to enjoy it at home.

The first half of my day passes unremarkably. I manage to secure a black Flapper dress on eBay for my sister but spend most of the morning emailing friends and uploading information to our online HR system. I have leftovers for lunch.

It's two pm and I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys. I plan to work through a NLP values exercise this afternoon, once I've had an 'informal' meeting about product training.

Oh god, what am I doing in life? Everyone around me appear to have a purpose for their day. My only purpose is to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of water. I message friends to keep occupied and enjoy regular trips to the toilet - result of drinking so much water.

I read an article about why we fall out of love - interesting!
Our sub-conscious has a compelling drive to repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs. The way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide. It looks for someone who carries all the positive AND negative traits of our caretakers. Although we consciously look for only the positive traits our sub conscious selects the negative as well seeking to heal those traits.
But it's too deep to continue.

I get an email to tell me that my new watch has arrived at it's pick-up point. I'm excited, though I know I've spent far too much money since I got dumped - I like using that word, it makes me angry and anger is a hell of a lot more motivational than sadness. I've made my last luxury purchase for the rest of the month.

I want to eat because I'm bored but I have no snacks. I brought in an apple and plum from home, bought a yogurt and a banana on my way in, and the banana is for an hour before I workout. There are constantly snacks being offered in my office but I refuse to give in.

I stare at the NLP exercise questions. The first exercise is about values. You have to think about the last time you experienced an uncomfortable tug as if you were being pulled away from the path you feel is right for you. Then write down what was or is important to you about that experience. I'm not in the mood to do this. I've also given in and eaten my banana.

I leave five minutes early, like yesterday so I can catch the bus to the gym... 40 minutes later I'm still on the bus no where near my destination. Major traffic! I walk home, attempting to grab some extra veg for dinner this evening - Tesco on Kingsland Road is rubbish! No broccoli? What is the world coming to?!

Dinner is jerk chicken, spring greens, carrots and sweet potato mash. I have a chat on the phone with my nan, eat, sit up and watch The Switch, with my housemate talking over most of it, until my eyelids are fighting me to close. I bid the housemate goodnight and head for my room. I've not heard anything from him but I shouldn't really expect to, still it makes me feel sad. It's eleven o'clock and I'm asleep.