Growth Of Self: The Release

Last night I cried.

I cried tears that came from no where

That had no where to go

I cried for loneliness

I cried for happiness

For hope and for loss 

I let them roll down my face

Onto my pillow

I gave into my weakness 

Which fuelled their power

I cried for me, for him & for her

I cried until I had nothing else

Then a peace descended on me

And I fell into a deep, dreamless slumber 

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

Everything To Live For

I have 12 sleeps until I'll be jetting off to the beauty of Barbados. I booked my flights back in May and I have been holding on to my sanity ever since.

The last 14 months have been a roller-coaster of highs and depressing lows, confusing twists and turns. I feel like I deserve to treat myself to this, kind of like a little celebratory break for surviving.

Last night I started my packing. I've separated the 'holiday' wear from the 'everyday' wear so I could be clear on what I'm still missing.

Because the last 3 weeks have been a bit of a health nightmare, I've put on just under 3 kgs and it all sits on my stomach, the one place I'd worked so hard to trim down. Sods law really but I won't let it ruin my holiday.

I woke up motivated to go to the gym this evening but as usual that dread has set in. I shall go anyway. I just need to get back into the habit of exercise. I know I'll feel better for going, and will sleep like a log tonight.

I've been training for something on and off for the last year, exercise being the substitution for my lost relationship. Sad really, and yet it's probably the best thing I could have done.

It's better than going out and getting pissed, ending up in bed with a random and okay perhaps I don't enjoy it as much I probably would the getting pissed and ending up in bed with a random, but I've learnt a lot about myself in those hours spent at the gym...

• I'm actually a decent runner when I can empty my mind
• I can achieve most things I put my mind too
• I enjoy the short lived sense of achievement
• It's a great way to spend 30-45 minutes on myself

I'm sure I can lose half of that weight gain in 2 weeks if I'm just consistent and watch what I eat (she says as she finishes a mini Terry's Orange bar). So, as I check the clock... 55 minutes left of my work day... I guess I'll see you on the flip side - or the gym's changing room. Got a beach body to regain!

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Pass the **** out

So guys, day one didn't go according to plan, but when does anything.

I was away this weekend visiting the ailing grandparents and had packed some running gear but because it was raining heavily both days, I didn't make it out.

Monday, back at work, I had the brainwave that I'd do this 21 day workout thingy I wrote about in my last post. However, because I wasn't expecting to go to the gym when I packed for the weekend, I forgot 2 vital things... my padlock and more importantly, my membership card. They wanted to charge me £20 for guest pass - safe to say, I went home.

Anyway, yesterday (initially day two) I came prepared.

Day One's workout was pretty much interval running for 52 minutes. There are 3 levels to try over the 3 weeks you follow the regime. I can run comfortably at the suggested level 2 speeds already so I decided to start with those. the plan was to then do Day Two afterwards.

I did the run. 5 miles later and I'm seriously sweaty and ready to collapse.

Usually I'd be happy to go home at this point but I drag myself over to the weights area and grab two of the 6kg dumbbells. I push out 4 sets of 15 bench press, alternating with 4 sets of 8 split squats on each leg.

The burn at this point is making me feel a bit sick, but that's only 2 of the suggested 7 exercises in the programme.

Because there are no mats around for push-ups, some of the men at the gym stand in this area barefoot - euw, I continue with the bench press but upping my weight to 8kg and reducing the number of reps to 10 (this must sounds so boring to those of you who are just not interested in this kind of thing - trust me, I used to be one of those people) alternating the heavier sets with dumbbell deadlifts.

I'm supposed to do ab work... that's all I have to say on that.

My quads feel like they are on fire and my hips are really sore. In the shower I stretch; before bed I do a few moves to open up my hip region and then I pass the **** out.

I'm out at gigs for the next two nights and have plans for Friday so am unable to continue with my workout. I should have just started this at the weekend - HINDSIGHT

"Just keep swimming"

Sometimes to get what you want you have to do things you really don't enjoy.

Exercise is a bloody pain. Well, that's not strictly true, exercises that make a damn DIFFERENCE are a pain.

They're hard work, they're definitely NOT a quick fix solution and they can be uncomfortable... but to grit your teeth, do them anyway and start to see changes to your body? Without a doubt, one of the best feelings EVER! Even when your favourite jeans are too tight; not because you've put on weight, but because you've put on muscle.

A week before my birthday I told myself that just because my skinny arse housemates continue to keep the cupboards stacked with biscuits, popcorn and chocolate goodies, it doesn't mean I have to eat them. Clearly our bodies process those food differently. They don't get fat, but I do. C'est la vie.

So I stuffed my last oreo into my mouth, shed a tear and vowed to make more of a conscious effort to eat cleaner. Where their breakfast is a bowl of cereal or fruit and a yoghurt, mine will be eggs and wholemeal toast; their dinners consist usually of beans on toast or a bowl of popcorn followed by a chicken pie, I will roast a decent portion of chicken accompanied by sweet potatoes and leafy greens.

I don't care HOW badly I want to have that streamlined look, I'm terrified by the notion that if you do not feed you body enough it starts storing fat for pure survival, so I eat.

My muscles may develop quick enough but I put on fat just as easily. Apparently that means I have a endomorph body type. I actually sit between two types, endo and meso, but I think I fall mainly under the former. That means I need to do some serious cardio and frequent muscle building/strengthening.  

I have to confess that I have noticed that, even in two weeks, by reducing my simple carb and alcohol (sugar) intake, my body has started to accept change more easily. That and I've run 15km in the last 4 days.

I shall miss my Friday night glasses of wine after work but I want this more. And if I plan in a night or two of ultimate debauchery per month, so not completely cutting myself off, I'm sure I can maintain this new regime. The more results I see, the easier it will be to convince myself I'm not giving up anything but rather giving myself the best treat of all - achieving my goals!

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Blast from the past

Out of the blue,

Ironic timing. 

Emotions running high, 

Left over from losing him.

It was definitely love once, 

Way back in the day.

He brings back strong memories, 

So much has changed.

Unhealed hurts tumbling out,

Pandora's box opened.

It took so much to get over,

The beast awoken.

You

Me

Her

Another life

Emotions

When something amazing happens to you, you're naturally sad when it's all over. It was like a flashback and I revelled in it, enjoying every second.

Like the last few warm rays of sunlight caressing my skin, I closed my eyes and felt the tingle spread from head to toe.

And though that light has gone and I'm left in the shadows; the chill bringing goosebumps to the surface, my arm hairs standing on end, a smile lingers on my lips as the memory replays in my mind.

Though you cannot start reading the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one, it's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Today the sun is shining and it's a new beginning - for us both.

I've plans for a little wine this evening, lots of laughter and dancing with friends old and new. I feel as though Spring has blessed me with a touch of her love.

“It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want — oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” 

Mark Twain

Tinderlious

Oh god I'm here again and I'll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier.

In fact I think I'm pickier than when I was younger, when all I was looking for was someone tall, cute and fun. Now I'm looking for something long-term, husband material, someone I could see myself growing old with - what a tall order?!

And how do you even go about it? Long gone are the days when I have the time, money or energy to go out every night and meet someone organically. Now it's all down to these fandangled phone apps - and the fact I used fandangled just proves how out of the dating scene I am.

Tinder... actually, when I was still with my ex he had a client who was working on a BETA app that we signed up to as testers. It was under a different name back then but it's generally the same thing.

Using your location, it offers you pictures of guys and girls that you can either 'like' or 'dislike'. If you like someone and they like you, you 'match' and you have the option for communication. Great. Simple enough...

Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
It that really a penis? DISLIKE
OMG, really? Dislike

Hmm, maybe not as simple as I thought.

Am I rushing into this? No, it's nearly been 6 months; it's time to start the next stage. Can you do that if you haven't completely reached the finish line of the first? Shut up hope, shut up, we're doing this.

Ooh okay, cute. Like
Dislike
Dislike
Ha ha ha funny pictures. Like
Dislike
Dislike

Okay I'm bored now. I'll try again next month....

Attack of the DOMS

OUCH!

Yesterday wasn't that bad. Yes my quads were aching a little bit but NOTHING like today. Walking downstairs makes me want to cry and don't get me started on how they feel after I've been seated for a while.

 

To get technical - my rectus femoris ache a lot, but both vastus lateralis… O.M.G unreal kind of pain.

And yet I love it because it's not bad pain, it's just my body's way of telling me "Hey b*tch, I'm shocked. You've shocked me!" And so it should be! I worked out like a beast on Wednesday night and I plan to continue. It's time to shake things up a bit.

I'm a cardio/classes kinda girl, so doing weighted squats - squats at ALL - deadlifts, lunges and those bloody mountain climbers, my body has no idea what has happened. But it better get used to it because this is my new workout routine.

I'm still going to run because I've got a 10K run in July to train for and I want a PB (personal best) but I want to start seeing definition of these strong muscles of mine. I want, come Summer, people to see the results of my time spent at the gym and think 'Oh yeah, you can see she works out.'

HELL YEAH I DO - Grrrrrrrr

To ebb and flow

Mixed feelings, bubbling to the surface

Like trapped air underwater

Desperate for release

A way of expression, time to expose thoughts

Analyse and review, 

Trapped, scared and panicked

What's holding me back? 

Keeping my eyes closed and holding my breath

Unmarked paths stretch out ahead

The horizon, a blurry line

No destination

No time frame

Just a quiet drive to move on,
To move forward,

To hold tight,
To take a deep, deep breath

Drifting

I'm staring up at blue skies, 

Body swaying 

In time with the water I'm floating on 

Weightless 

Clouds float past

Fluffy pockets of air

Making patterns above my head

Mindless

The current delivers me, finally, to land

I settle down, a firm bed made in warm sand

And here I'll remain, for a while, to mend 

So I'm staring up at blue skies, 

My body surrounded

The water lapping at my toes

Careless

Great expectations

On Friday night I went to meet a friend for a drink in Putney. It was a gorgeous evening and although I was feeling anxious about my first weekend alone, I enjoyed the sun setting and how beautiful my surroundings were. Do you ever get a high from nature? God, I love walking through parks, beside water or just being outside in the country!

Here's a pic I took of Putney Bridge.

Anyway, my friend had been in Putney with a male companion all afternoon, eating, drinking and enjoying deep conversations. I arrived to join them at a time when they were discussing 'presence' and the reason we do react to things in certain ways.

Chris is the founder of Take a Challenge. He is dedicated to helping others achieve their goals through his physical and emotional experience's of life's challenges, and trust me he's had some challenges. I digress, we discussed our understanding of our core being, our feelings/gut not emotions and how many of us lose that connection after the age of 8. Chris was basically saying that we as human's need to rekindle that connection in order to be true to ourselves and get to most out of living happy. Sounds similar to what was discussed in that webinar I wrote about 'awakening your inner coach', doesn't it?

"We should be like dogs" he said "You can leave a dog alone for a whole day, forget to feed them, tell them off or shout at them, and they will still love you. They are not expecting anything of their day, from you (other than to feed them), they just love."

I found what he was saying fascinating but I was plagued with the doubt that we could truly live like that. It was an idealistic view of life. He said we should live in the moment, be 100% present, not thinking or worrying about what has passed or what is to come, that we should live to give, with NO expectations.

No dinner and half a bottle of prosecco later, we were leaving and I felt enlightened, i.e. PISSED. I wittered on to my friend about this theory in relation to the ex-boyf. I've constantly said that since the day he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that my love for him was not finished, it hadn't reached the end. In my opinion he was calling it too soon.

After this conversation of giving without expectation I started to wonder whether I could continue to love him without any expectation. Could I be there to share private but not intimate moments with him, enjoy his company with NO expectation that he would miss what we had, miss me and want me back?

Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare

On Saturday I had to be back at the old flat to wait for a courier to collect some items I had arranged to sell. I saw him briefly in the morning before he went off to work and I was still there when he returned six hours later. I felt guilty that I was in his 'space' and wished that the courier had been already so that I wasn't left loitering around like some abandoned puppy. 

Turns out we had a lovely couple of hours. We chatted, a little about us but mostly about him, which he never did; we had tea, had a giggle and shared a nice peace-offering hug. When I left him that evening I felt like "Yes, yes I can love him with no expectation". However, a day later and I'm feeling down, missing him intensely and constantly checking my phone in case he's sent me a message, because if he's sent me a message it would mean he was thinking of me… there's never a message. 

*sigh* Maybe I'm just trying too hard to feel okay, after all I did get a tattoo to remind me to take things one step at a time... but I'm impatient, I'm emotionally exhausted and I want him back! 

(leaves post for an hour)

I just got a text from the ex-boyf about meeting up at the weekend for an event…

Feeling HOT, HOT, HOT

Sweaty doesn't even begin to describe it. Add sticky, thirsty, uncomfortable and, for some, a little smelly to the mix and we might be getting somewhere.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the sunshine. It makes most people happier, friendlier sometimes more outgoing!

We wait months and months, praying for a summer to rival The Med islands we now pay a fortune to visit for a week or two and when we get it, EVERYONE starts to complain.

HA!

I may have a need for a cold shower and reapply the sweat smudged make-up by the time I've walked to work but isn't it glorious?

This is from my lunch break!!!!

"I'm loving it, loving it, loving it"

Summer's here

It doesn't matter if you're feeling fat, broke or unwell, the sunshine has a way of making you appreciate the beauty of your surroundings. 

I've managed to pick up a cold since Monday so I'm coughing, sneezing, snotty and tired, but walking home I noticed a couple of colourful mushrooms (Street Art) on top of buildings I walk past every day and was captured by the beauty of Arnold Circus.