How Dare You!

I have a very dear friend, who has gone through SO much over the last 2-3 years, and that hasn't changed in the short time that I've known her. 

We met (properly) on a girly holiday last year and I'd say our bond was instant. She was present at one of the worse experiences of my life and has supported me ever since. Funnily enough we also share the same birthday. 

With all the stuff that's been happening in her life - not my place to say - I advised her to start a blog, as mine has helped me get stuff off my chest, I hoped she could do the same. So she did, anonymously, and for the last 5 months I've seen her open her mind to release the thoughts that, left unsaid, could tip anyone over the edge. 

Until today. Because today some selfish s**thead outted her. 

They hacked her phone and sent a nasty letter to all her friends, family, work colleagues, even her dentist, claiming that 'no-one should have secrets'! 

I am outraged. If I found out who it was - oooh, there would be trouble. 

If you knew how unassuming and nice she was, how hard she tries to keep her problems out of other people's lives. If you knew a smidgen of the crap she's been dealing with, you'd understand the f**king break she needs, but this person/people… clearly have NO compassion and definitely no respect. 

I'm speechless that there are people like this in the world. 

If you read this, please share with others. Let's spread the word that BULLYING is unacceptable. 

Lost My Mojo

I'm not feeling inspired. 

I go through this sometimes with my writing. When times are hard I have inspiration galore but as soon as things start to smooth out, I'm literally lost for words. 

A few years ago I started writing a book. It was all about my love life (sound familiar) and about the relationships I found myself falling into, or more often than not, falling out of. 

When I started dating my ex and I was content with the ways things were, it was all very laid back and casual to start with gradually morphing into something deeper; there was no real stress about it, well not that I remember, but the point is I stopped writing. 

Looking back I wonder if I stopped because I couldn't dramatise what was happening? If you're in love and happy, how can you describe that feeling without sounding like you're high on acid imagining butterflies, unicorns, rainbows and shit? 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to write about it I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! "I've finally found a man I can be myself with and he loves me for it!" But it just sounded… silly. I couldn't make a story out of it because I didn't know where it was going - the story, not the relationship. 

Do they get married? Does she get pregnant? Is it a happy or sad ending? Will he cheat on her, or she cheats on him? I couldn't plan it because it was based on MY life and I just didn't know. 

So I started writing it here, in small digestible chunks and it was kind of exciting because you just never knew what was coming, I mean just check out the last few posts before the break up, I was blissfully unaware it was all about to go pete tong.  

Anyway, I'm whitening on now. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm trying but right now there's just nothing interesting to report. 

Over and out. 

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Seven Year Detox

I came across an article this week, which stated, over a period of sevens years all the cells in your body are renewed so you are in fact a completely different person you who you were seven years ago. Amazing huh?

So I figured, what with this old boyfriend popping up in my life again, what would the calculations look like if I applied this to 'getting a boy out of my system'?

Here are the phases:
P1: Age 0 - 7
P2: Age 7 - 14
P3: Age 14 - 21
P4: Age 21 - 28
P5: Age 28 - 35

I met boyf #1, the out of the blue boyf Blast From The Past is about, when I was 19, last stages of P3. We were together for all of about 5-6 months and went through some pretty life changing experiences, for me at least. I'd say he was my first love.

I met boyf #2 when I was 16 but we didn't get romantically involved until P4. He left me for America. If you really want to be depressed, read some of my earlier blogs. They were written around that time. Blogging helps heal the heart :)

And I met boyf #3, him, when I was 28. Unfortunately that means, if this theory is correct, I have 4 years and 23 days left before his hold over me wears off.

Damn, this boyfriend detox is worse than working cocaine out of your system. That only lasts 90 days, and I know this because I did my research, not from personal experience :)

One step...

To ebb and flow

Mixed feelings, bubbling to the surface

Like trapped air underwater

Desperate for release

A way of expression, time to expose thoughts

Analyse and review, 

Trapped, scared and panicked

What's holding me back? 

Keeping my eyes closed and holding my breath

Unmarked paths stretch out ahead

The horizon, a blurry line

No destination

No time frame

Just a quiet drive to move on,
To move forward,

To hold tight,
To take a deep, deep breath

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

Seven days (Day 7)

My last day on this blogging adventure, and coincidentally, the last day I will spend with him for a while. I'm spending the rest of this month alone because it's evident that, although it's only been two weeks since I moved out, he's doing fine without me and I need to be on the same page as him before we can truly be friends.

But type in 'Friendship after love' into Google and you will be depressed by the results. So not only do I have to come to terms with the fact that the greatest love of my life so far has ended, but I am also losing my best friend - Life is a f**king bitch sometimes.

I get dressed in what I feel comfortable in rather than what might impress him and head over for breakfast. I feel a bit guilty about the fact that I've not seen my housemate properly since Tuesday night, but at the moment being busy is my life.

As I eat he showers and we leave promptly, stopping at the supermarket for picnic bits and bobs. I feel more relaxed about us today. I'm just going to enjoy this experience. 

When we get out at Marble Arch it's bloody raining but it's short-lived. The queue to get in takes as little as 10 minutes and we've picked our spot and started out picnic in time for Simple Minds "Don't You". 

We feast on hot chicken, olives, salami and choritzo, plum tomatoes, and almonds. The sun graces us with its presence intermittently. It's a chilled out, happy day :) so far...

Jamie Cullum, Texas and a little music from some unknowns... He joins a queue for some tea and cupcakes and I'm still waiting on my jack jones an hour later. The artist we came to see comes on stages, performs and leaves before he returns. I feel bad for the fact that he didn't get to enjoy the performance because he was waiting in line for a tea I requested, and suddenly he's back.

We enjoy the cupcakes huddled under an umbrella because the sky has opened up and it's p**sing with rain. The wind has picked up and I'm freezing. My choice of outfit made sense in this morning's sun but now I wish I'd worn warmer clothes. He kindly offers himself up to me and I close in around him, warming myself with his body heat. It's time to go.

The journey back to the flat is quick but I've still not warmed up. He lets me borrow some jogging bottoms and we settle on the sofabed to watch a movie.

I feel content with how today has gone. After last night's awkwardness, today has been more natural. However, sitting here beside him I want to reach out and touch him, kiss him, and pull him on top of me so I can feel the familiarity of the weight of his body on me. I decide now is probably the best time to leave. In our goodbye I pick up of feelings of sorrow at my parting but I'm aware that this could be me wanting those feelings to be present.

I walk home battling many emotions. I call my friend to help me ride these emotions out. She's such a great influence/force in my life right now. She doesn't say things just because she thinks that they are what I want to hear, she weighs up all possibilities and she's honest with me. I end the call feeling calmer and clearer.

My housemate engages me in conversation about my weekend and we enjoy banter about how I'm dealing with everything. He thinks I'm doing well considering... I change the sheets on my bed. It's symbolic of a new start, a new week.

It's eleven thirty, time for bed. Over and out x

Catching up on lost time

I seem to be writing on Facebook more and more. I completely forgot I had a blog so I'm uploading my entries on here now and will continue to post on both.... Here goes.

Enjoy x