Make An Effort

How do you know if/when your friendships have run their course?

Does the time between communication get longer and longer?
Do your meet ups suffer from those 'awkward' silences?
Are you making excuses NOT to see them?
Avoiding phone calls or your calls never answered?

And what happens if it's family?

I'm finding that my patience is wearing thin. I know I'm being stubborn but I'm just really sick and tired of being a pushover. I've always been the one to put myself out there, make the first contact but this time, I'm digging my heels in. And unfortunately that will mean me missing out on things, on people.

It REALLY upsets me that the people I love and care for the most seem to find it so easy to forget me, but life moves on. The sun rises and sets, bills still need to be paid, work still needs to be done.

Yet I feel selfish for not making an effort to communicate, to find out how they're doing, are they okay? But as time passes and my phone remains silent, I can feel a slow anger build inside of me.

So I get up, do my thing, try to do something every day that will help me improve, and repeat. Every day I'm changing, moving further away from the person they know. I'm moving on.

IF that means without them, so be it. I deserve better, even if what I really want is them to wake up and realise what's happening before it's too late.

Sadly, I know however far I get I'll always need them - and every night I wish they felt the same.

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Inside a bubble

Something happened. Something, that I can't really explain, happened to me this weekend and now my world is in a state of change. 

Things I thought were solid are not as stable as I believed, and my emotions are all over the place.

I switch between a completely rational mental state to an almost coma like paralysis. I can't breathe, I feel fidgety and unstable. I can be laughing at something one minute and be struggling to breathe through my sobs the next.

I am in limbo. 

Something happened. Something, that I can't really explain, happened to me this weekend and now my world is in a state of change. 

Stuck in the FUNK

Do you ever feel like you're in a funny head space?

There are times, when the grey clouds cover the sky, and I feel myself tuning out of life. My mood shifts from 'general sunny disposition' to 'don't even fucking look at me as I do and will bite'.

If this mood happens to fall on a weekend you should count yourselves lucky, because I spend my time stuck to the sofa, flicking from channel to channel muttering expletives because I cannot find anything worthy to watch, stuff my face with crap and then get really annoyed at myself being I feel fat, and so restless that I could scream - NO, this is not PMS if that's what you're thinking.

If I have to go to work, I don't talk to anyone, reschedule my meetings and spend the entire day with my headphones in, sporting the best bitchy-resting-face I can be arsed to muster. These are potentially some of the most productive days in my working week because I do not put up with distractions. If I have to answer questions, I do not speak them, in fact I'm sure any form of verbal communication comes out as an actual bark.

Motivation is at an all time low, if I can even be bothered to get up it'll take a few hours for me to get in the shower and get dressed - many times I've just sat around in a towel all day. I feel lost, confused and a little upset. I start to question what I'm doing with my life, my worth, and WTF I've spent my months wages on.

BAD times.

Sometimes it only lasts for a day, maybe two.

Then I'll wake up the next day and before I've even realised, I'm in a better place. The clouds in my mind have dissipated and I can see clearly again.

I try not to let this mental rage hurricane darken my skies but sometimes, just like you need to cry for no particular reason, I just need ride it out. I'll pre-warn my friends and family so they know what they're dealing with and just get ready to face the storm.

If you find yourselves feeling the same, here's a cool blog post I found with 20 ways to pull yourself out of a funk.