Devotion - very short story

He smiled at me today.

Well that's not anything special. He tends to smile at me a lot nowadays; because he's happy, and if I'm honest I'm a little jealous.

I can't help but glance over at him from time to time. I don't even know I'm doing it until he glances up at me.

It all sounds so very stalkerish, but it's innocent I swear. I start off staring into space, not concentrating on anything in particular and then he's in focus. I come to, quickly averting my gaze.

But when he looks at me I get this fluttery feeling inside.

When we innocently touch, I get the strongest impulse to kiss him.

We barely talk, we have no need to, but when we do I feel like the only one in the room.

My entire body gets hot and he knows; I know he knows.

And I bet secretly he gets a kick out of it but I can't help myself.

I need this.

The thought of us together.

It's all I have. This crush. Because I missed my chance.

Hopeless Romantic

The door opens and then closes heavily a couple of seconds later.

The sound of keys dropped in a glass bowl resound and I hear her footsteps progressing towards the front room, where I'm sat watching television. But I'm now looking at the doorway, waiting.

I can tell from her stride that she's had a couple of drinks; and suddenly she there, smile on her face and cheeks a little flushed.

We catch eyes and laugh. She stumbles over to where I'm sitting and flops down on the sofa next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Are you in love?"
"I'm in love Amy."

Said at the exact same time, we giggle together. This has happened a couple of times. It's a harmless inside joke, that after a couple of drinks on a date she's in love. Rose tinted glasses working their magic on life, making it all seem so wonderful.

I envy it.

I'm having a hard time not to feel jaded towards the idea of love at the moment. I know what the real thing feels like and I guess I'm still clinging to it.

They never last though, these dates. After the second or third, the novelty has worn off. But that first date :) it even brings me a tingle of excitement and I'm not the one going on it.

#NeverGiveUpOnLove

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?

Answering the 'Phantom Call'

I'm waiting for a telephone call. In fact, I've been waiting for it since last week. It's not terribly important but it could put my mind to rest.

Of course, it's a phone call from a boy.

I'm stuck in limbo with him at the moment. I'm not sure if we're just friends, something more, or nothing at all. Any of which I'd be perfectly happy with, I just need to know. It's the not knowing that is slowly driving me insane.

My male friends are giving me conflicting advice. Some are saying "Let him chase you, he's a hunter". Others are saying "Make him an offer he can't refuse". Obviously my female friends are telling me to forget it altogether because he's playing games.

With all this advice flying around, I'm completely bamboozled! When did being friends with a guy become so difficult?

Friends in need

The other night I was accused of 'killing the mood' - you know who you are! - when I started talking about getting older and being alone. It is a depressing subject but I wonder if it's something we even something we need to worry about.

The only reason I even brought it up was because I happened to see and elderly man getting off the bus by himself and I was thinking about what I'd look like at 60... the answer is still damn fine!

I mean we're delaying everything nowadays. Having kids, getting married (if we decide to), blah blah blah. And relationships rarely last "forever" anymore either.

I'm DEFINITELY not looking for my next relationship to last forever and ever Amen; I'm merely looking for someone to get along with. Someone I feel is a good friend as well as an intimate partner.

I think it's funny that we approach making a new friend differently to making a new partner in crime. And a lot of the time, we just can't help it. It's an automatic reaction to treat the situation differently. Why is that? If I don't understand a friends motive I simply ask them out-right "Oi, what's that supposed to mean?".

I can be brutally honest (and apparently a little intimidating) with the closest of my friends, and they with me. I think that's why we get on so well. I don't expect them to know my behaviour through and through so it's good to be able to tell them "I vont to be alone" and know it's not going to hurt their feelings.

Anyway, the point to this note finally, let's not put pressure on the definition of relationships. If you really like someone and get on like a house on fire - just enjoy the ride, stop taking everything so seriously.

And in the words of Jerry Springer, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

There was something about him that made her feel like a sixteen year old, but she just couldn’t quite place her finger on it. His ears stuck out slightly like Will Smith’s and his voice wasn’t exactly the most masculine she’d ever heard. But she found whenever he looked in her direction, her stomach started doing mini somersaults.

Standing out on the patio opposite her desk in his slick black shirt and faded jeans; chatting away on his mobile completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring him down. It was enough to make a girl crazy.

“Come on. Get back to work! He’s not interested. And of course you’ve got a boyfriend at home; who’s planning on leaving your ass in a few weeks, but for now he is still your loving boyfriend.”

And then he glanced up, caught her eye and smiled shyly. Suddenly all thoughts of Matthew melted away and she found herself smiling back, feeling colour flood to her cheeks. Bloody crushes.

It wasn’t anything serious thank god. Once she left the office, he was forgotten and Matthew was her only concern. She wasn’t the cheating type. Oh fantasies were a different area altogether. But they never invaded her and Matthew’s time together. But she did wonder.

Was thinking about another man, just to wile the hours away at work, did they count as being unfaithful? Did they devalue her feelings for Matthew? She did sometimes feel guilty. Imagining that Matthew never thought of anyone else and here she was daydreaming about flirting with this office stranger.

It was silly to dwell on it. Nothing was ever going to develop and as much as she happily wasted her day thinking about it, she didn’t want anything to happen. They were from two different worlds and even after Matthew left, she wasn’t planning on jumping into anything with anyone else for years, well maybe not years but for a while at least.

Why did she do it? Why was she compelled to look at him every time he walked past the office? And why did he look so good to her? She could ask questions about it all day but she’d never find an answer unless she asked him, and that was never going to happen.

In a way the ‘Spring’ office party that evening was the answer to her prayers. Maybe he’d speak to her. She didn’t even want to go really. She didn’t know anyone well enough to give up her time to stand around drinking crap wine with a bunch of pretentious fogies. But he wasn’t a fogie.

They had never really spoken. Not really. A joke or two by the kettle didn’t count as a conversation. And he looked so young. Around her age, but he seemed so good at his job and so confident. The kind of confidence that could only come with experience. Maybe he was just a confident person? She didn’t know anything about him.

She glanced up at the time display on her computer. Five-thirty. Almost time to go home, thank god. Oh damn, the party. Bugger it. Hmmm, make an appearance, have a drink, mingle… a little and then leave. Good plan. Another glance at the time and only seven minutes had passed. It was officially the longest day of her life, she thought. Fuck it, just make an excuse and go home. She couldn’t stand these people anyway.

Grabbing her coat and bag, leaving everything on her desk exactly where it was, mess or not, she switched of the computer and sauntered out of the office. The warm spring wind blowing through her hair and tingling every inch of her skin. At last, she was free.

CRUSH

Those pesky butterflies are off again. And all because he walked up behind me. Sigh, this is starting to get a tad annoying but I still like it. I don't know why it happens but when it does I feel like a bloody school girl. My cheeks get hot, I start sweating and tingles shoot up and down my spine. Then I start to think of how soft his touch would be and how it would feel to be all up close and personal with him. The sweet smell of his aftershave and the heat of his breath as he leans forward to kiss me. God damn it! There they go again.

But this little fantasy is what gets me through the day. Breaking the dreariness of the nine to five by playing silent games with my secret crush. And we play them all day. I know what he's thinking when we lock eyes as he walks past my office and when we brush arms as we pass each other in the corridor. He tries so hard not to show it but I can tell that he wants me. One day I really want to just grab him and kiss the shit out of him. Obviously not literally shit but, ah you know what I mean! Sigh, but until that day I guess I'm just going to have to apply some stronger deodorant.

;) x