Urge to spend

All around us the economy is crumbling.

I don't take the time to read about it and I never watch the news. The closest I've come to a newspaper in the last 3 years is the free rags I pick up on the tube to pass the time of my journey. Even then I tend to read my horoscope and flick over the 'celeb' pages.

I moan about money all the time. I'm earning a 'comfortable' wage. It pays my rent and bills, and I could save some of it if I wasn't constantly buying clothes and shoes; handing over my hard earned cash to pay for the increasing flow of Rose I seem to be consuming and occasionally I satisfy the hunger pains.

I just don't care. It's true. I'm a grown, goddamn woman and I'm sitting here thinking "they don't each you how to deal with this shit at school, so how am I suppose to know what I should be worried about?"

Yep that's right, blaming everyone about my ignorance except myself. But you know what? Ignorance is bliss because right now the only thing on my mind is the sexy pair of brown wooden heels I plan to buy this weekend from River Island.

Losing My Grip

I'm not actually sure what I'm doing any more.

I've never had a complete handle on how I hoped life would turn out, I don't have a five year plan - I don't have a six month plan! I've been feeling really lost and confused, about everything, recently and I think I've just done something without thinking about it which means that I'm now absolutely numb and a little bit bloody scared.

Have you ever just wanted to pack up everything and leave, not really knowing where you're going or how things are going to pan out? I want to do this right now. But then I think about the commitments I've made to people, my measly but very real debt, and my family (who I'd miss terribly) and I ignore this burning and ever more frequent desire to, let's face it, run away.

I was once told that I'm an extremist. I don't do well sitting in the middle, I either react or I don't. I'm reacting today. I just told my housemates I want to move out, asked my mum if I could move in, I'm ending things with a guy I really like because he's too young for me to take him seriously long-term - I'm exhausted!

Till it's gone

I'm not sure when it happened but when it did, it hit me like a train. I felt like my whole body was broken, not just my heart.
I was sitting bolt up straight, half in and half out of bed. My hair was stuck to my face and the tears just wouldn't stop.
This was something I had never felt before and never thought I would. He was hurting me, and he was doing it on purpose.

It was like my ears had popped because I could hardly make out what he was actually saying, I just knew that it was hurting me.
I wanted to dismiss the words leaking from his mouth, putting it down to drinking lots of Stella - he always was a bit crazy after a Stella binge. But he sounded like it had taken a lot for him to open up and tell me the truth.

All of a sudden my world was ripped apart and discarded on the floor of our shared bedroom. I hated him. Hated how he could believe calling me up in the middle of the night to end our 2 year relationship... I couldn't believe he thought THAT was acceptable.

My heart wept as openly as my face did. I was torn to pieces and yet he was telling me he still loved me. I had to get of the phone, it was all too much. The dialling tone rang in my ear for a second before I let the phone drop beside me.

For what seemed like an age I just stared at it through blurred and tired eyes. My chest was struggling to expand for breath. I sat taking in small, short, sharp air intakes. The tears falling freely into my lap.

The phone sprang to life in the stillness of my room. I snatched it up. I knew it was him. No one else would be calling at three in the morning.

"Why did you hang up? I was still talking."
"I didn't want to hear anymore. You've made your point."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."

Ha! You tell me that you no longer what to be my boyfriend, you say that you still love me BUT you didn't mean to hurt me?! What did you think would happen? I wasn't actually saying this. It was all dancing in my head. Physically I couldn't shop shaking. I was sniffing, coughing, still crying down the phone.

"I'm coming home."
"No! I don't want you here. I don't want you near me. I hate you!"
"I'm coming home."

I couldn't sleep, so I just lay there looking into the darkness. The sound of the traffic kept my mind from wandering, keeping me forever in the here and now. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe what was happening to me.

What I did know was that he'd made his decision. He wouldn't have told me otherwise. I'm aware that I'm crying out loud but I can't help it. I need to cry because my heart is breaking and my life, as I know it, has just been given an almighty shove into a brick wall.

I'm still awake when I hear him fumbling at the front door. I'm just blinking in the darkness when he stumbles in and hugs my stiff body. I feel his tears through the quilt and I feel bitterness. Disgust took over me.

"Why are you crying?"

He lifted his head. Eyes searching for my face.

"Why are you crying?"

The bitterness of my words hung in the air. He got up and stormed over to the door, slamming his fist into the wall. I heard him collapse onto the sofa in the next room, then all I heard was him sobbing.

I shouted, he shouted. I wanted to thrash out but I knew that wouldn't go down well. So I tried to hug him. I wanted to close my eyes and hold onto him. Wish that this was all a bad dream. But he stopped me. Pushed me away and then stuck the final knife in.

"Tonight, I kissed someone else."

I caught my breath. I was glad we were standing in the dark. I felt all the blood drain from my face but I kept staring at him. He'd said that to purposely hurt me. He wanted me to stop, he wanted me to hate him. I could see the anger in his eyes as he looked at me.

We seemed to go round and round in circles. Me, trying to understand him. Him, trying to explain through his drunken ramblings and clouded thoughts. The more he tried, the more confused I got.

When finally the silence between us became deafening, I suggested we went to bed. Lying next to him made the sadness swell up inside of me. The heat coming off from him, the softness of his skin against mine. The tears fell.

They didn't wash away the pain but they soothed the ache of my eyes. I lay there still, crying silently, listening to him sleeping until I too, fell into a heartache induced slumber.

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Putting yourself out there

Despite giving myself the 'talk' on my way to work this morning, I expected a response.

Me1 - "You won't get one. You know you won't. He's not like that."
Me2 - "I know but I can't help but think.."
Me1 - "Don't get your hopes up honey. I know you want to hear something back but don't expect anything."
Me2 - "You're right. I won't get anything."
Me1 - "Good girl."
Me2 - "You don't think maybe?"
Me1 - "No. Don't think about it."
Me2 - "You know I'm going to check my gmail account as soon as I get in though, don't you?"
Me1 - "Sigh. I know. Fingers crossed. I want there to be a response."
Me2 - "Me too."

I put it off for as long as I could... 20 minutes. No response. But I already knew that'd be the case.

Men - Mars, Women - Venus? PAH!

It should be simple, right? I like you, you like me. BAM! An interesting ‘relationship' begins. So why is it that I’ve been battling, for months now may I point out, to define what I am/was/could be to someone?

I’ve actually gone as far as label myself to them as “FWB” potential – that’s ‘friends with benefits’ for all those innocents out there. I don’t want anything more, well... I didn’t. But that’s all changed. I actually grew to quite like the guy and the thought did cross my mind, much as I hate to admit it, that maybe just maybe, we could be something more.

It hasn’t really bothered me too much up until recently, mainly because I’ve had no idea what on earth is going on. Should the result be that we remain friends or go our separate ways, I’m not fussed, I just hate being in limbo. But my patient days are over because I officially give up giving a crap.

Now, you must think me crazy to put my business out there knowing that there’s a chance my ‘object of affection’ could read this. I’m here for two reasons; one, it gives people like me something funny/interesting/damn right crazy to read in our spare time, and two, sometimes it’s just nice to air your dirty laundry out in a public place.

Really, it’s because I’m baffled. Why, when it comes to the opposite sex, do we find it so hard to just be up-front and honest? It saves a hell of a lot of time because you’re not trying to read between the lines of every phone call, or text. A simple ‘I want you – let’s get it on’ will suffice, not to be used verbatim I might add, could result with a drink in the face.

Put me out of my misery quick and painless, like pulling off a band aid. If it’s bad news, I’ll be able to stop wasting time and move on. If it’s good news then great! Let’s party. You don’t have to pretend because that doesn’t win you any brownie points – even on the friendship table.

Please don’t take this as a jibe at men because ladies, you know we do it too. Men aren’t from Mars, and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from Earth, so how about we stop playing games and start speaking the same language?

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?