ReEnergise

So in a months time I will be strutting down the streets of London Town in a skin tight Avatar costume - I promise to upload a picture (eek!)

But I spent this May Bank Holiday weekend drinking a lot of alcohol; this on top of a pretty bad diet for the last couple of months. However, in my head I can kind of turn this around in 21 days. How, you ask? How indeed! I'm freaking out over here.

What I will not do is starve myself or set out to commit to a ridiculously unrealistic exercise regime that I know I'm going to sack off after my first attempt.  

So I'm increasing the amount of healthy things I do already in an effort to not just make me look good in this outfit - and I will look Beyonce FIERCE come June 1st - but also make a long term improvement to my lifestyle.

I am hoping that because these are such simple changes I might be able to stick with them. So here's what I'm doing:

1) Drinking more water - I am terrible at this because I find water so boring, but I read that it also includes herbal teas. Sainsbury's will definitely see it's Peppermint sales go up this month.

My buff, intelligent PT of a boyfriend has also advised me that it's better to reuse glass bottles because plastic can house excess oestrogen, which apparently I retain and is the answer to why I've got a sneaky muffin top.

2) Get plenty of sleep - I love sleep and I have no problem sleeping in till late in the mornings but I tend to wake up in the night which disturbs the quality of the sleep I'm getting. How to resolve this? No liquid intake after 8pm and no TV/iPhone/iPad/Laptop an hour before bed.

3) Get those veggies in - upping the anti on the vegetable intake and reducing the simple carbs.

4) Do some friggin exercise! - I can't kick myself too much here because technically I walk to work every day, so that's 30 minutes of medium pace cardio 10 times a week but I need to incorporate a couple of high intensity cardio and resistance training sessions into my week to see further improvements.

That's all doable right? We'll see. I've been doing this for 2 days so far. Will update you on my progress next week, especially as my nan's just text me to say we're having Fish & Chips for dinner tonight! Whoops

Getting back into the habit

For me that statement covers a variety of things – eating right, hitting the gym and reacquainting myself with an old flame, writing. I struggle with them all. Why? Basically I’m a part-time ambitious individual. 

I can work hard. I like the idea of it, but in reality I like nothing more than getting home from work, collapsing on the sofa; my only exercise being an arm stretch to reach the TV remote or a dash to the toilet during the ad breaks. Such a contrast from the boyfriend, a super buff personal trainer who eats a lot of protein, drinks his greens and believes cottage cheese is a treat - bleurgh. 

Why have I left it so long? I really have no clue. I’d occasionally get the urge but I wouldn’t be in the right situation to do anything about it there and then, it would get forgotten, time would pass, blah, blah, excuses, excuses. 

So now it’s May 2013. Summer is teasing its way back into our lives, my best friends have had babies, I am finally in a strong, loving relationship, living it up in Central London. 

I need to get my body ready for a fancy dress party in a month where I'm going as Neytiri from Avatar (what am I thinking?!) and start documenting my random every day experiences because they make me who I am – and that person is utterly FABULOUS - you need a bit of that in your world ;) 

Let’s start this show!

Twitch

My leg is bouncing uncontrollably as I will myself to stop thinking about you
It’s ridiculous that I feel this way
Twitchy and nervous
I haven’t heard from you in a week
And I know I won’t hear from you

Your smile is burnt into my memory
Every touch;
Every kiss
Butterflies in my stomach, fluttering wildly
Damn it

How’d did I get here again
Almost blindly
I love the feeling of falling
But it’s not much fun on your own

I'm not crying

I'm not crying but I do feel empty.
I feel lost and confused,
Angry with myself for being in this place.

I'm not crying but I want to scream, loudly.
I feel tense in my body,
Longing to lash out.

I'm not crying but I'm bloody exhausted.
Scared to tell the truth,
Denying myself a chance.

I'm not crying but I feel so lonely.
Vulnerable and naked,
Beaten and raw.

I'm not crying, I'm not.
But I feel like I want to.

Falling

How crazy is it that it's been 32 hours since I last kissed you but I can still feel the touch of your lips.

I can still smell you on my pillow and can still imagine the warmth of you lying beside me.

I love and hate feeling like this, because now I'm just waiting to hear from you again so that I can get all of this back for real.

I'm playing the game to keep me allusive, keep you comfortable and at a distance.
When all I want to do is see you or hear from you, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not thinking about it; not thinking about you.

You have something I can't have but I'm indulging myself.
God what a dangerous game, because if I get swept up in it, I lose and if I lose...

I've been here before so many times.
Why don't I know better?

Urge to spend

All around us the economy is crumbling.

I don't take the time to read about it and I never watch the news. The closest I've come to a newspaper in the last 3 years is the free rags I pick up on the tube to pass the time of my journey. Even then I tend to read my horoscope and flick over the 'celeb' pages.

I moan about money all the time. I'm earning a 'comfortable' wage. It pays my rent and bills, and I could save some of it if I wasn't constantly buying clothes and shoes; handing over my hard earned cash to pay for the increasing flow of Rose I seem to be consuming and occasionally I satisfy the hunger pains.

I just don't care. It's true. I'm a grown, goddamn woman and I'm sitting here thinking "they don't each you how to deal with this shit at school, so how am I suppose to know what I should be worried about?"

Yep that's right, blaming everyone about my ignorance except myself. But you know what? Ignorance is bliss because right now the only thing on my mind is the sexy pair of brown wooden heels I plan to buy this weekend from River Island.

Losing My Grip

I'm not actually sure what I'm doing any more.

I've never had a complete handle on how I hoped life would turn out, I don't have a five year plan - I don't have a six month plan! I've been feeling really lost and confused, about everything, recently and I think I've just done something without thinking about it which means that I'm now absolutely numb and a little bit bloody scared.

Have you ever just wanted to pack up everything and leave, not really knowing where you're going or how things are going to pan out? I want to do this right now. But then I think about the commitments I've made to people, my measly but very real debt, and my family (who I'd miss terribly) and I ignore this burning and ever more frequent desire to, let's face it, run away.

I was once told that I'm an extremist. I don't do well sitting in the middle, I either react or I don't. I'm reacting today. I just told my housemates I want to move out, asked my mum if I could move in, I'm ending things with a guy I really like because he's too young for me to take him seriously long-term - I'm exhausted!