Jesus.
Is this really me? Is this really my life?
If it is, it's kinda shit!
What happened to the lottery win?
To the gorgeous husband?
The beautiful but simple flat?
Am I asking for too much? No way! I'm entitled to it, right?
Hmmmm, just got to visualise what I want......
*closes eyes*
VIS-UAL-ISE
*opens eyes*
Nothing! God damn it!
Monday, 20 August 2007
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU
There was something about him that made her feel like a sixteen year old, but she just couldn’t quite place her finger on it. His ears stuck out slightly like Will Smith’s and his voice wasn’t exactly the most masculine she’d ever heard. But she found whenever he looked in her direction, her stomach started doing mini somersaults.
Standing out on the patio opposite her desk in his slick black shirt and faded jeans; chatting away on his mobile completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring him down. It was enough to make a girl crazy.
“Come on. Get back to work! He’s not interested. And of course you’ve got a boyfriend at home; who’s planning on leaving your ass in a few weeks, but for now he is still your loving boyfriend.”
And then he glanced up, caught her eye and smiled shyly. Suddenly all thoughts of Matthew melted away and she found herself smiling back, feeling colour flood to her cheeks. Bloody crushes.
It wasn’t anything serious thank god. Once she left the office, he was forgotten and Matthew was her only concern. She wasn’t the cheating type. Oh fantasies were a different area altogether. But they never invaded her and Matthew’s time together. But she did wonder.
Was thinking about another man, just to wile the hours away at work, did they count as being unfaithful? Did they devalue her feelings for Matthew? She did sometimes feel guilty. Imagining that Matthew never thought of anyone else and here she was daydreaming about flirting with this office stranger.
It was silly to dwell on it. Nothing was ever going to develop and as much as she happily wasted her day thinking about it, she didn’t want anything to happen. They were from two different worlds and even after Matthew left, she wasn’t planning on jumping into anything with anyone else for years, well maybe not years but for a while at least.
Why did she do it? Why was she compelled to look at him every time he walked past the office? And why did he look so good to her? She could ask questions about it all day but she’d never find an answer unless she asked him, and that was never going to happen.
In a way the ‘Spring’ office party that evening was the answer to her prayers. Maybe he’d speak to her. She didn’t even want to go really. She didn’t know anyone well enough to give up her time to stand around drinking crap wine with a bunch of pretentious fogies. But he wasn’t a fogie.
They had never really spoken. Not really. A joke or two by the kettle didn’t count as a conversation. And he looked so young. Around her age, but he seemed so good at his job and so confident. The kind of confidence that could only come with experience. Maybe he was just a confident person? She didn’t know anything about him.
She glanced up at the time display on her computer. Five-thirty. Almost time to go home, thank god. Oh damn, the party. Bugger it. Hmmm, make an appearance, have a drink, mingle… a little and then leave. Good plan. Another glance at the time and only seven minutes had passed. It was officially the longest day of her life, she thought. Fuck it, just make an excuse and go home. She couldn’t stand these people anyway.
Grabbing her coat and bag, leaving everything on her desk exactly where it was, mess or not, she switched of the computer and sauntered out of the office. The warm spring wind blowing through her hair and tingling every inch of her skin. At last, she was free.
Standing out on the patio opposite her desk in his slick black shirt and faded jeans; chatting away on his mobile completely oblivious to the fact that she was staring him down. It was enough to make a girl crazy.
“Come on. Get back to work! He’s not interested. And of course you’ve got a boyfriend at home; who’s planning on leaving your ass in a few weeks, but for now he is still your loving boyfriend.”
And then he glanced up, caught her eye and smiled shyly. Suddenly all thoughts of Matthew melted away and she found herself smiling back, feeling colour flood to her cheeks. Bloody crushes.
It wasn’t anything serious thank god. Once she left the office, he was forgotten and Matthew was her only concern. She wasn’t the cheating type. Oh fantasies were a different area altogether. But they never invaded her and Matthew’s time together. But she did wonder.
Was thinking about another man, just to wile the hours away at work, did they count as being unfaithful? Did they devalue her feelings for Matthew? She did sometimes feel guilty. Imagining that Matthew never thought of anyone else and here she was daydreaming about flirting with this office stranger.
It was silly to dwell on it. Nothing was ever going to develop and as much as she happily wasted her day thinking about it, she didn’t want anything to happen. They were from two different worlds and even after Matthew left, she wasn’t planning on jumping into anything with anyone else for years, well maybe not years but for a while at least.
Why did she do it? Why was she compelled to look at him every time he walked past the office? And why did he look so good to her? She could ask questions about it all day but she’d never find an answer unless she asked him, and that was never going to happen.
In a way the ‘Spring’ office party that evening was the answer to her prayers. Maybe he’d speak to her. She didn’t even want to go really. She didn’t know anyone well enough to give up her time to stand around drinking crap wine with a bunch of pretentious fogies. But he wasn’t a fogie.
They had never really spoken. Not really. A joke or two by the kettle didn’t count as a conversation. And he looked so young. Around her age, but he seemed so good at his job and so confident. The kind of confidence that could only come with experience. Maybe he was just a confident person? She didn’t know anything about him.
She glanced up at the time display on her computer. Five-thirty. Almost time to go home, thank god. Oh damn, the party. Bugger it. Hmmm, make an appearance, have a drink, mingle… a little and then leave. Good plan. Another glance at the time and only seven minutes had passed. It was officially the longest day of her life, she thought. Fuck it, just make an excuse and go home. She couldn’t stand these people anyway.
Grabbing her coat and bag, leaving everything on her desk exactly where it was, mess or not, she switched of the computer and sauntered out of the office. The warm spring wind blowing through her hair and tingling every inch of her skin. At last, she was free.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Monday, 21 May 2007
KNEES GO WEAK
When he looks at me in that way,
My knees really do go weak.
His hands trace my bare spine,
Sending shocks of warmth up and down.
And then the tingles begin.
I close my eyes and get lost in his feathery touch.
His lips,
So soft and slightly damp where he has already traced his tongue across them,
Plant a light kiss on my collar bone.
I can hear his desire in every breath.
I wrap my arms around him,
Gently pulling his body closer to mine.
We both straighen our frames,
His chest opening up against my breast.
In the silence we're doing a mating dance,
Allowing our bodies to just go with the flow.
Touching, without any agenda except to enjoy the feeling of skin against skin.
He runs his hands down from my shoulders,
Past my triceps,
My elbows,
Until his hands are in my hands.
Our foreheads rest against each other,
Nose tips kissing...
Oh.
When he looks at me in that way...
My knees really do go weak.
His hands trace my bare spine,
Sending shocks of warmth up and down.
And then the tingles begin.
I close my eyes and get lost in his feathery touch.
His lips,
So soft and slightly damp where he has already traced his tongue across them,
Plant a light kiss on my collar bone.
I can hear his desire in every breath.
I wrap my arms around him,
Gently pulling his body closer to mine.
We both straighen our frames,
His chest opening up against my breast.
In the silence we're doing a mating dance,
Allowing our bodies to just go with the flow.
Touching, without any agenda except to enjoy the feeling of skin against skin.
He runs his hands down from my shoulders,
Past my triceps,
My elbows,
Until his hands are in my hands.
Our foreheads rest against each other,
Nose tips kissing...
Oh.
When he looks at me in that way...
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
OVER IN A JIFFY
I really think boyfriends are just like a brazilian wax.
They start off so tidy and clean. Makes you feel so special that occassionally you want to show them off to your friends (just me then?).
But after a while they start to look a little untamed, not matter what you try. You get uber annoyed with the fact they're making you feel uncomfortable all the time, and in the end you just can't stand the sight of them any longer!
So, we make the decision to sort it out, get rid and go through a hell of a lot of pain just to get the next one.
*sigh*
They start off so tidy and clean. Makes you feel so special that occassionally you want to show them off to your friends (just me then?).
But after a while they start to look a little untamed, not matter what you try. You get uber annoyed with the fact they're making you feel uncomfortable all the time, and in the end you just can't stand the sight of them any longer!
So, we make the decision to sort it out, get rid and go through a hell of a lot of pain just to get the next one.
*sigh*
Thursday, 3 May 2007
TOILET PAPER DRAMA
I know some people have already read this because I posted it on my Myspace page and Hi5 but I thought that I'd open up the debate to the rest of the world (since I don't use many more social networks).
Basically, I hate the toilet paper my work place provides. The only other place I've had a worse experience with it was when I was on holiday in New York. There it was like wiping your arse with a post-it. Things just got messy!
So, why can't employers just provide us with an enjoyable 'potty' experience?
My work place has an issue with the toilet paper they buy. No, no actually that's wrong, I have an issue with the toilet paper my work place buys. It's CHEAP!
I used to have issues with getting my hands wet (Yes that's right) I'd practically finger myself while trying to wipe because the tissue would rip.
So I decided to use close to half the roll, which I then found hard to flush. Peeing should be a no-brainer but I'm having to calculate tissue paper against water pressure (I really didn't need the added annoyance)
But I put up with it, mainly because I refuse to bring in my own. Oh and guys.... Air Freshner please?!
Basically, I hate the toilet paper my work place provides. The only other place I've had a worse experience with it was when I was on holiday in New York. There it was like wiping your arse with a post-it. Things just got messy!
So, why can't employers just provide us with an enjoyable 'potty' experience?
My work place has an issue with the toilet paper they buy. No, no actually that's wrong, I have an issue with the toilet paper my work place buys. It's CHEAP!
I used to have issues with getting my hands wet (Yes that's right) I'd practically finger myself while trying to wipe because the tissue would rip.
So I decided to use close to half the roll, which I then found hard to flush. Peeing should be a no-brainer but I'm having to calculate tissue paper against water pressure (I really didn't need the added annoyance)
But I put up with it, mainly because I refuse to bring in my own. Oh and guys.... Air Freshner please?!
HAIRY
I hate hair. Whether it's on your head, under your arms, between your legs.... the shit is uncontrollable.
Have you ever actually combed your downstairs rug? I have a couple of times but then I have trouble putting on knickers because once they're on I look like a man! I'm sure I become attractive to other women that same day. And walking seems different once you've combed your muff. It feels like you've kind of forgotten how to do it.
Anyway my reason for blogging about this unattractive and taboo subject, I need a brazilian! It's been nearly 3 months and I swear, if I didn't already know where everything was, I'd get lost because it's a bloody jungle down there.
So I have a bit of a dilemma.
Now that I'm 'free and single' do I pay out £25 every 4 weeks to keep it looking sharp even though no one's going to see it, or do I leave it au natural and end up taking a Black and Decker strimmer to it?
Hmmmmm, decisions, decisions.
Have you ever actually combed your downstairs rug? I have a couple of times but then I have trouble putting on knickers because once they're on I look like a man! I'm sure I become attractive to other women that same day. And walking seems different once you've combed your muff. It feels like you've kind of forgotten how to do it.
Anyway my reason for blogging about this unattractive and taboo subject, I need a brazilian! It's been nearly 3 months and I swear, if I didn't already know where everything was, I'd get lost because it's a bloody jungle down there.
So I have a bit of a dilemma.
Now that I'm 'free and single' do I pay out £25 every 4 weeks to keep it looking sharp even though no one's going to see it, or do I leave it au natural and end up taking a Black and Decker strimmer to it?
Hmmmmm, decisions, decisions.
Monday, 30 April 2007
LOST
I wake from a sad dream to find reality much the same.
Although the 'spring' sun shines through my window,
The warmth of its rays are empty when they touch my skin.
All feeling lost.
Life passes me by and I'm stuck in a limbo,
Neither coming or going.
Eyes ache from tears that have kept me company at night.
Sick with a want that has to be denied.
Although the 'spring' sun shines through my window,
The warmth of its rays are empty when they touch my skin.
All feeling lost.
Life passes me by and I'm stuck in a limbo,
Neither coming or going.
Eyes ache from tears that have kept me company at night.
Sick with a want that has to be denied.
Friday, 27 April 2007
WISH I MEANT MORE
Sitting here, waiting for you to join me.
Oh dear, I let myself get carried away again.
Getting my hopes up that you actually want to spend time with me.
What a fool!
Why on earth would you want to do that?
Oh dear, I let myself get carried away again.
Getting my hopes up that you actually want to spend time with me.
What a fool!
Why on earth would you want to do that?
Thursday, 26 April 2007
UNDRESS ME
Shopping is a drug. I intended to pop out for 15 minutes but managed to lose a whole hour in the world of hats, shoes and pretty dresses. I was lost in a jungle of colours. And then out of the darkness came a glowing light, to which I was drawn.
There she was. She was absolutely beautiful. My soulmate. "I gots to have her!" But I'm not in a position to approach her right now so I had to turn away. Walking away, I cast one last loving look in her direction.
My love.
My soul.
Soon to be my dress! Bring on pay day.
x
There she was. She was absolutely beautiful. My soulmate. "I gots to have her!" But I'm not in a position to approach her right now so I had to turn away. Walking away, I cast one last loving look in her direction.
My love.
My soul.
Soon to be my dress! Bring on pay day.
x
WAITING FOR WORK
Yet another day in the office sipping coffee and surfing the net. Another day of wishing I had more money, more time at the weekends and a little less of my stomach! But I don't really help myself. I'm still spending more time doing any and everything else when I should be dedicating all of my time towards finding another job. One where I actually get to do something during the day.
BUT, my confidence and lack of experience in a specific area kinda gets in the way. So tonight people I HAVE got to fit in at least an hour on Mavis Beacon to improve my typing, and then another hour applying for positions.
What do I want to do? I have no bloody idea.
Four years ago I was carving a career in the Hospitality industry but that didn't exactly work out, and so now I'm trying to do the same in marketing. I read blogs and webpages daily to help improve my knowlegde but ultimately it all seems to go in through the eyes and out of my arse!
But you know what? As much as I complain about how 'useless' I may feel, I love to write and express myself. Which is why I'm here. I may not have to discipline to make it as a novalist but I can definitely while away the hours writing nonsense on here :)
BUT, my confidence and lack of experience in a specific area kinda gets in the way. So tonight people I HAVE got to fit in at least an hour on Mavis Beacon to improve my typing, and then another hour applying for positions.
What do I want to do? I have no bloody idea.
Four years ago I was carving a career in the Hospitality industry but that didn't exactly work out, and so now I'm trying to do the same in marketing. I read blogs and webpages daily to help improve my knowlegde but ultimately it all seems to go in through the eyes and out of my arse!
But you know what? As much as I complain about how 'useless' I may feel, I love to write and express myself. Which is why I'm here. I may not have to discipline to make it as a novalist but I can definitely while away the hours writing nonsense on here :)
Labels:
confidence,
job-hunting,
marketing,
money,
office,
work,
writing
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
MY IMPERFECTIONS
My letter to you...
Do you need to be perfect to be truly loved? I'm just wondering because we had a very interesting conversation last night, one which had me up until around two feeling sorry for myself, and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe you do. I could be over reacting here because you know that I am such a drama queen but being told, albeit in a roundabout way, that you're not good enough... it kinda gets you thinking, you know?
What does it take for someone to love me for who and what I am? Why must I reach for the stars? Why can't I just do things my way? Why must I do them your way? How can I know who I am if I'm always trying to act like someone you want me to be?
Hey, maybe I am weak. Maybe I don't always 'look on the bright side' but that's who I've always been and I've made it this far. So, a little advice... STOP pushing! I'll make it in my own time. If that's not good enough for you, I'm sorry we can't stay in each others lives. You are meant to be here to support and help me along, not push me into a box you think I should fit into.
I love you so so much, but last night you broke my heart.
x
Do you need to be perfect to be truly loved? I'm just wondering because we had a very interesting conversation last night, one which had me up until around two feeling sorry for myself, and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe you do. I could be over reacting here because you know that I am such a drama queen but being told, albeit in a roundabout way, that you're not good enough... it kinda gets you thinking, you know?
What does it take for someone to love me for who and what I am? Why must I reach for the stars? Why can't I just do things my way? Why must I do them your way? How can I know who I am if I'm always trying to act like someone you want me to be?
Hey, maybe I am weak. Maybe I don't always 'look on the bright side' but that's who I've always been and I've made it this far. So, a little advice... STOP pushing! I'll make it in my own time. If that's not good enough for you, I'm sorry we can't stay in each others lives. You are meant to be here to support and help me along, not push me into a box you think I should fit into.
I love you so so much, but last night you broke my heart.
x
Labels:
broken-hearted,
imperfection,
love,
self-esteem,
soul
CRUSH
Those pesky butterflies are off again. And all because he walked up behind me. Sigh, this is starting to get a tad annoying but I still like it. I don't know why it happens but when it does I feel like a bloody school girl. My cheeks get hot, I start sweating and tingles shoot up and down my spine. Then I start to think of how soft his touch would be and how it would feel to be all up close and personal with him. The sweet smell of his aftershave and the heat of his breath as he leans forward to kiss me. God damn it! There they go again.
But this little fantasy is what gets me through the day. Breaking the dreariness of the nine to five by playing silent games with my secret crush. And we play them all day. I know what he's thinking when we lock eyes as he walks past my office and when we brush arms as we pass each other in the corridor. He tries so hard not to show it but I can tell that he wants me. One day I really want to just grab him and kiss the shit out of him. Obviously not literally shit but, ah you know what I mean! Sigh, but until that day I guess I'm just going to have to apply some stronger deodorant.
;) x
But this little fantasy is what gets me through the day. Breaking the dreariness of the nine to five by playing silent games with my secret crush. And we play them all day. I know what he's thinking when we lock eyes as he walks past my office and when we brush arms as we pass each other in the corridor. He tries so hard not to show it but I can tell that he wants me. One day I really want to just grab him and kiss the shit out of him. Obviously not literally shit but, ah you know what I mean! Sigh, but until that day I guess I'm just going to have to apply some stronger deodorant.
;) x
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