Till it's gone

I'm not sure when it happened but when it did, it hit me like a train. I felt like my whole body was broken, not just my heart.
I was sitting bolt up straight, half in and half out of bed. My hair was stuck to my face and the tears just wouldn't stop.
This was something I had never felt before and never thought I would. He was hurting me, and he was doing it on purpose.

It was like my ears had popped because I could hardly make out what he was actually saying, I just knew that it was hurting me.
I wanted to dismiss the words leaking from his mouth, putting it down to drinking lots of Stella - he always was a bit crazy after a Stella binge. But he sounded like it had taken a lot for him to open up and tell me the truth.

All of a sudden my world was ripped apart and discarded on the floor of our shared bedroom. I hated him. Hated how he could believe calling me up in the middle of the night to end our 2 year relationship... I couldn't believe he thought THAT was acceptable.

My heart wept as openly as my face did. I was torn to pieces and yet he was telling me he still loved me. I had to get of the phone, it was all too much. The dialling tone rang in my ear for a second before I let the phone drop beside me.

For what seemed like an age I just stared at it through blurred and tired eyes. My chest was struggling to expand for breath. I sat taking in small, short, sharp air intakes. The tears falling freely into my lap.

The phone sprang to life in the stillness of my room. I snatched it up. I knew it was him. No one else would be calling at three in the morning.

"Why did you hang up? I was still talking."
"I didn't want to hear anymore. You've made your point."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."

Ha! You tell me that you no longer what to be my boyfriend, you say that you still love me BUT you didn't mean to hurt me?! What did you think would happen? I wasn't actually saying this. It was all dancing in my head. Physically I couldn't shop shaking. I was sniffing, coughing, still crying down the phone.

"I'm coming home."
"No! I don't want you here. I don't want you near me. I hate you!"
"I'm coming home."

I couldn't sleep, so I just lay there looking into the darkness. The sound of the traffic kept my mind from wandering, keeping me forever in the here and now. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe what was happening to me.

What I did know was that he'd made his decision. He wouldn't have told me otherwise. I'm aware that I'm crying out loud but I can't help it. I need to cry because my heart is breaking and my life, as I know it, has just been given an almighty shove into a brick wall.

I'm still awake when I hear him fumbling at the front door. I'm just blinking in the darkness when he stumbles in and hugs my stiff body. I feel his tears through the quilt and I feel bitterness. Disgust took over me.

"Why are you crying?"

He lifted his head. Eyes searching for my face.

"Why are you crying?"

The bitterness of my words hung in the air. He got up and stormed over to the door, slamming his fist into the wall. I heard him collapse onto the sofa in the next room, then all I heard was him sobbing.

I shouted, he shouted. I wanted to thrash out but I knew that wouldn't go down well. So I tried to hug him. I wanted to close my eyes and hold onto him. Wish that this was all a bad dream. But he stopped me. Pushed me away and then stuck the final knife in.

"Tonight, I kissed someone else."

I caught my breath. I was glad we were standing in the dark. I felt all the blood drain from my face but I kept staring at him. He'd said that to purposely hurt me. He wanted me to stop, he wanted me to hate him. I could see the anger in his eyes as he looked at me.

We seemed to go round and round in circles. Me, trying to understand him. Him, trying to explain through his drunken ramblings and clouded thoughts. The more he tried, the more confused I got.

When finally the silence between us became deafening, I suggested we went to bed. Lying next to him made the sadness swell up inside of me. The heat coming off from him, the softness of his skin against mine. The tears fell.

They didn't wash away the pain but they soothed the ache of my eyes. I lay there still, crying silently, listening to him sleeping until I too, fell into a heartache induced slumber.

Boy pretending

Now that's it's all over I can see how much I liked him.

The scary thing is, it was completely out of nowhere and now, it doesn't even matter anymore because it's over - before it even started.

He was the first in a long time, and his presence effected me more than I realised, until now when he's no longer around.

It was over something stupid, and I know I could most probably call him and this niggling pain will cease to be but I refuse to because he's not the one for me. He's not ready.

If it's time to be with someone new then they have got to represent, because I cannot settle for 'boy pretending to be man'.

Putting yourself out there

Despite giving myself the 'talk' on my way to work this morning, I expected a response.

Me1 - "You won't get one. You know you won't. He's not like that."
Me2 - "I know but I can't help but think.."
Me1 - "Don't get your hopes up honey. I know you want to hear something back but don't expect anything."
Me2 - "You're right. I won't get anything."
Me1 - "Good girl."
Me2 - "You don't think maybe?"
Me1 - "No. Don't think about it."
Me2 - "You know I'm going to check my gmail account as soon as I get in though, don't you?"
Me1 - "Sigh. I know. Fingers crossed. I want there to be a response."
Me2 - "Me too."

I put it off for as long as I could... 20 minutes. No response. But I already knew that'd be the case.

Men - Mars, Women - Venus? PAH!

It should be simple, right? I like you, you like me. BAM! An interesting ‘relationship' begins. So why is it that I’ve been battling, for months now may I point out, to define what I am/was/could be to someone?

I’ve actually gone as far as label myself to them as “FWB” potential – that’s ‘friends with benefits’ for all those innocents out there. I don’t want anything more, well... I didn’t. But that’s all changed. I actually grew to quite like the guy and the thought did cross my mind, much as I hate to admit it, that maybe just maybe, we could be something more.

It hasn’t really bothered me too much up until recently, mainly because I’ve had no idea what on earth is going on. Should the result be that we remain friends or go our separate ways, I’m not fussed, I just hate being in limbo. But my patient days are over because I officially give up giving a crap.

Now, you must think me crazy to put my business out there knowing that there’s a chance my ‘object of affection’ could read this. I’m here for two reasons; one, it gives people like me something funny/interesting/damn right crazy to read in our spare time, and two, sometimes it’s just nice to air your dirty laundry out in a public place.

Really, it’s because I’m baffled. Why, when it comes to the opposite sex, do we find it so hard to just be up-front and honest? It saves a hell of a lot of time because you’re not trying to read between the lines of every phone call, or text. A simple ‘I want you – let’s get it on’ will suffice, not to be used verbatim I might add, could result with a drink in the face.

Put me out of my misery quick and painless, like pulling off a band aid. If it’s bad news, I’ll be able to stop wasting time and move on. If it’s good news then great! Let’s party. You don’t have to pretend because that doesn’t win you any brownie points – even on the friendship table.

Please don’t take this as a jibe at men because ladies, you know we do it too. Men aren’t from Mars, and women aren’t from Venus. We’re both from Earth, so how about we stop playing games and start speaking the same language?

Stop fooling yourself

I like him. It's true, I can't help it. Arrgggh.

I've been trying so hard for it not to be true but last night I had to admit it to myself. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about it but I was a little 'toweleee' and was having a text conversation with my friend, Kay, and it just kind of... slipped out.

So now I'm out there and exposed.

Not to him, hell no. I'd die if he found out. Oh god, what if he already knows?

Text message - fake

At lunch, when I was away from my desk, I sent myself a text message with the name of a columnist I wanted to research.

Just now I went to check my phone and saw I had received a message. I got all excited thinking it was someone of importance... obviously I was bitterly disappointed.

I lead a boring life

Answering the 'Phantom Call'

I'm waiting for a telephone call. In fact, I've been waiting for it since last week. It's not terribly important but it could put my mind to rest.

Of course, it's a phone call from a boy.

I'm stuck in limbo with him at the moment. I'm not sure if we're just friends, something more, or nothing at all. Any of which I'd be perfectly happy with, I just need to know. It's the not knowing that is slowly driving me insane.

My male friends are giving me conflicting advice. Some are saying "Let him chase you, he's a hunter". Others are saying "Make him an offer he can't refuse". Obviously my female friends are telling me to forget it altogether because he's playing games.

With all this advice flying around, I'm completely bamboozled! When did being friends with a guy become so difficult?

Friends in need

The other night I was accused of 'killing the mood' - you know who you are! - when I started talking about getting older and being alone. It is a depressing subject but I wonder if it's something we even something we need to worry about.

The only reason I even brought it up was because I happened to see and elderly man getting off the bus by himself and I was thinking about what I'd look like at 60... the answer is still damn fine!

I mean we're delaying everything nowadays. Having kids, getting married (if we decide to), blah blah blah. And relationships rarely last "forever" anymore either.

I'm DEFINITELY not looking for my next relationship to last forever and ever Amen; I'm merely looking for someone to get along with. Someone I feel is a good friend as well as an intimate partner.

I think it's funny that we approach making a new friend differently to making a new partner in crime. And a lot of the time, we just can't help it. It's an automatic reaction to treat the situation differently. Why is that? If I don't understand a friends motive I simply ask them out-right "Oi, what's that supposed to mean?".

I can be brutally honest (and apparently a little intimidating) with the closest of my friends, and they with me. I think that's why we get on so well. I don't expect them to know my behaviour through and through so it's good to be able to tell them "I vont to be alone" and know it's not going to hurt their feelings.

Anyway, the point to this note finally, let's not put pressure on the definition of relationships. If you really like someone and get on like a house on fire - just enjoy the ride, stop taking everything so seriously.

And in the words of Jerry Springer, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Yoga, Pilates, Abs Blast = Perfect body in 22 weeks

Ok, so now I am completely up-to-date. And today I'm not feeling well :( Woe is me.

I'm trying my best to get fit after watching Kareen and Monique batter the gym over the last few weeks and what with my new journey downhill into old age (to all those I know over 25, I'm only joking... :/ ) I thought it's about time I dust off my gym pass and attend myself.

Even though I was scheduled to go to Pilates with Kareen, she cancelled last minute, but considering her unrelenting attendance in the past couple of weeks I don't blame her. Suddenly I found myself starting to list reasons not to go myself. I'm notorious for being lazy when it comes to exercise, I need people to bully me into going because I'm useless at motivating myself.

BUT I have a goal to reach and only 22 weeks to meet it, so it was a hard decision between alcoholic beverage and Ferrer Rocher or stretches, meditation and a walk in the cold... I took the latter.

In the end the woman taking the class didn't turn up so Kriss and I went back to mine to "do some DIY exercise". A couple of glasses of wine, a few handstands, and Ben's Steak dish, later we were all talking about sex (of course).

This morning, though, I woke up with a severe sore throat and sharp pains shooting through my stomach. I didn't want to brush my hair, let alone travel to work on the packed underground.

And why is it that women look so bloody unfriendly in the morning? I mean for goodness sake!! We all make a face like someone has slapped us with a wet fish. Have yourself an orgasm ladies before you go to sleep, naturally brought on or mechanical. It always makes me smile the next day.

Womb - Office - Tomb

In the last 7 months I've announced "A new start to life" at least 5 or 6 times. And every time it's had its highs and lows.

The highs are when you feel indestructible. You vow never to take any ‘shit’ from any one, ever again. You make plans upon plans so you know exactly what your next steps are; where you are going, when and why. Your days are full. So full that when you finally get home, you are completely exhausted, and just kind of collapse in a heap on your bed. Then you get up and do it all again.

The lows are when you realise that you have no time to yourself to just relax. You are starting to be forgetful and ditzy, you doubt the reasons you are doing something or going somewhere and in the end you suddenly feel as if you are right back where you started.

Since leaving Foxtons, I've not known where I'm going for the best of times. I'm just kind of milling through life, enjoying the time I have free with friends and family. All my life I've been trying to figure out what it is that I'm meant to be doing. Aiming for something because people expect you to make something of yourself.

Well, why?

I don't need, nor want, to be the next successful entrepreneur, or CEO/Marketing Director blah blah blah of any business! Yes, I want to make money so I can live comfortably. Yes, I want to be able to afford my own home at some point, and yes, I want to be able to go on nice holidays. But why am I aiming to reach a position in a company whose workload requires me to stay late, every night, encroaching into my time with the family I hope to have.

I sit at my desk today and make chit chat with the people I work with. They all seem to be really nice, genuinely friendly, but hardly any past me without complaining about being here.

I'm not saying be a bum. Please do go out to work, make that money, and enjoy yourself. I hold high regard for those who know what they want and are on the path to getting it. And I completely understand those who are still looking but are happy to work away until something sticks. Rent and bills have to be paid.

Just don't be taken for a fool.

Just can't be bothered - Another rant at life

Why are some days just SUCH an effort? Once you wake up all you can think about is going back to sleep.

Are there times when you just can't be bothered to:

*Get up in the morning
*Have a shower (I know people who fail to know the importance of being clean)
*Make the journey into work
*Work itself
*Make the journey home from work
*Cook dinner
*Go to the gym
*Wash your hair, dry/wrap it, grease it, straighten it
*even watch TV

And then, finally, you slip under the duvet in your favourite PJs, snuggle down until you're all warm and comfy, you close your eyes and heave out a big sigh because you're happy the day is at an end. And what happens next?

You find you can't BLOODY sleep!

Not Right

What was I thinking?

I did something naughty the other day. At the time it was fun, hell let's go all out and say it was reckless, but I was drunk and high ... on life. Now, in the harsh light of day, I'm really regretting it.

It's not the deed that I'm regretting, it's the uncertainty that I'm left with. The on-going 'Should I, Shouldn't I' battle going on in my head. Advice given all makes sense but even though I completely agree, I just can't help myself. It's like giving up chocolate. It's easy to start with but when you give in to a little bit, you end up binging.

I don't know if it's because I'm trying to prove something to myself or I'm a fool. If I'm honest, it's probably the latter. But oh, what to do, what to do?

Up late, can't sleep, baring soul - Welcome!

If my life was someone else's I'd be shaking my head and thinking "she's fucked!"

But the craziest thing is that I feel a strange calm.

I need many things in my life;
Money - I'm happy with someone else's, Friends, Family, Happiness - yes, I mentioned the 'H' word again, but something I realised recently is I also need Time.

I have loved, deeply, and lost. Ever since I've been battling with getting over it, replacing the hole he left with drink, drugs and sex (no, not rock'n'roll) but at the end of the day I'm still empty.

Where I've been finding it hard, they've found it much easier and I'm happy for them, really. At first it hurt like a mother f**ker but eventually I realised that I WILL get there, I just need a little longer.

The same applies with my life. From the outside I look like I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'll let you in on a little secret... I don't! I'm completely winging it. I've never known what I wanted to do and still to this day, 41 days till I turn twenty-five, I'm just as clueless.

But I'm not giving up hope. Because I know in time I'll figure out what I'm meant to do with my life, and I'll find someone to replace the drink, drugs... I think I'll keep the sex. But in the meantime, keep a look out for my late night soul baring sessions. I'll be here all week x

Where do we go from here?

It's that confusion, where you think you have things pretty much sorted out in your head but then someone or something comes along and fucks it up. Why is it so hard to be happy? The truth hurts, like a bitch, but at least you know where you stand. At least then you can make an informed decision on how to proceed. There's only you to blame. Nobody is perfect. You shouldn't have to feel guilty. Shouldn't have to think 'even though I shouldn't have done that or said this'. Don't have any regrets. Do what makes you feel happy. I'm not saying disregard others feeling, just don't put theirs before your own so much.

First Impressions

I've just been thinking. Having just completed my 'flirt test' and been speaking to Katie about getting to know new people (men)... what's the right way to go about it? Every day I speak to at least one person who is looking to meet or has met a good-looking member of the opposite sex and is questioning how to make the best impression. It's nuts that this occupies so much of our thoughts.

I remember way back when (I must have been about 12) telling a guy I went to school with that I liked him and he laughed... in my face, in the middle of the playground. I wanted to die. Extreme damage to self-esteem. And yet 2 years later he was doing everything in his power to get me to notice him. I know, I know, the power of growing breasts but still. How ridiculous is that? I wanted him, he wouldn't give me the time of day. I stopped wanting him and suddenly he knows who I am and all the things I like.

Even now, when I'm in a bar and I see someone I like, I've now got the confidence to go up to him and suggest he buys me a drink ;) but for a second, a split second, I hear the laughter again.

First impression? I'm not going to lie, it's important, but the second and third are when you can really secure the deal.

So, as long as your breath is fresh, your face isn't droopy from a large consumption of alcohol, you're hygienic in the places that really matter and you can hold a decent conversation, I'd say your first impression is home free.

Just don't use "Did it hurt?" as your opening line :/

Chasing that feeling

That look in your eye as you glance across the room in my direction.

The feel of your hands around my waist as we move closer on the dance floor.

Our joint movements to the base.

The smell of your aftershave invades my senses and takes me a little higher.

Your soft whispers in my ear.

The heat between our bodies.

That bolt of electricity as our lips touch.

Butterflies when I realise I want to go home with you.

The surprising sense of loss as we drift apart during the night.

That longing I feel when you don't call.

Friends telling me you weren't worth it but I thought you were.

Now I'm wishing we'd never met.

Until I meet the next you and start to feel it all again...

Boredom

As tiredness sets in I just sit and stare at my screen.
I'm itching for the minutes to pass so that I can walk out of here and catch the last of the sun on my face.
I think of the warmth and close my eyes, just for a second.

Fifteen fifty two.
My lids are heavy and TLC plays in my ears
Sipping herbal tea and clicking from one firefox tab to the next.
Fifteen fifty three.
'She' speaks and I listen.
Fifteen fifty four.
Now Hil St. Soul is playing and I doing an online search
Fifteen fifty five.
Fifteen fifty six.
I'm downloading something
Fifteen fifty seven

Just one hour and eighteen minutes to go.

Catching up on lost time

I seem to be writing on Facebook more and more. I completely forgot I had a blog so I'm uploading my entries on here now and will continue to post on both.... Here goes.

Enjoy x