Die HOPE, Die

This was the reason I shouldn't have given into seeing him. My mind goes off on it's on tangent and creates ridiculous fantasies of romantic reunions, hand holding and skipping off into the horizon towards Happily Ever After!

It's all BULLSH*T and it won't stop.

I've tried TVD (The Vampire Diaries) marathons, the gym, unpacking and repacking, Pinterest, hell I've even signed up to Tinder to try and focus on other men!

I can't sleep, my diet this week has gone to pot and I'm uber frustrated. Three months ago I'd be desperately holding on to these insane imaginations of getting back together but now I've accepted the truth they're just darn annoying.

How do you extinguish the flame?

It's sad to say but that LOVE has no place here anymore, so how do you turn it off?

What do I want?

So this weekend I spent Saturday wandering around Home-ware stores with my mum fantasising about how we would kit out our homes if:
1) I won the lottery and bought a cottage down by the sea
2) Mum kicked my brother and sister out and had the place to herself

I feel more motivated now to make that dream come true. I can actually visualise it, and we all know what happens when you visualise… :D

I'm still very wistful about my situation with him but I guess it's all part of letting go of those dreams you had of your future together. Just because he's no longer part of them, doesn't mean I can't still have what I dreamed of.

A lot of my friends are studying hard to better their present situations, putting in the work now preparing for the future and I feel like I've been neglecting that for a long time.

A lot of it comes from the reality of me just not knowing what I want out of life; and a situation one of my closest friends is going through has made me question how much importance I put on financial stability, career stability and overall 'SUCCESS' when all I want is to be happy, and in fact striving to achieve these things makes me unhappy… hmmmmmmm.

I found this interesting article on LinkedIn about being bored rather than busy, and this snippet made SO much sense:

"So many of us desperately want to feel alive—but instead, we’re left chasing our own tails, always hoping that this next thing will be the thing that saves us.

It’s sort of like what happens when you want something to eat, but you aren’t sure what. So you start by making yourself a sandwich, but soon realise that wasn’t it. So you go for some potato chips, but that wasn’t it. So you have a few spoonfuls of ice cream, but that wasn’t it. So you migrate to leftover spaghetti, but that doesn’t do the trick either. Now you’re onto a bag of marshmallows, but STILL NOT HITTING THE SPOT, and the more you eat, the more annoyed you get, because even though you’re stuffed you’re still craving that ONE THING and you don’t know what it is so you go ahead and HELP YOURSELF TO EVERY REFRIGERATOR!"

So what do I want?

Love, in the romantic sense :)
Always top of my list and presently an area I'm not doing well in AT ALL

A place in the country
I'm only going to be able to own if I win the money, have it bought for me or cease having a social life for the rest of my days in order to save the money myself

To go on a Salsa holiday for a couple of weeks
Cuba, South America

To work for myself
Doing what, I've no idea yet :) to be brainstormed in 'What do I want: part two'

Family
And by that I mean one of my own; children, a husband/better half, family dog… eventually

They say life is what you make it and I think a lot of people make it about money & success, but to whose definition of the words?!

For me, if I manage to GET that cottage/house by the sea I'll know that I have definitely succeeded in something - who wouldn't be happy watching the sunset across the sea from their own garden?

No time to excuse-ercise

I've gotten lazy.

I used to walk to and from work every day without fail through rain, sleet and proper snow. For the last 2 months I've taken a bus every day. It's been an added expense when really I could have flipping walked. Now I'm moving further away and I'll HAVE to get public transport, I'm kicking myself for not making the most of the opportunity.

I managed to get myself into a routine of hitting the treadmill and doing a little strength training 2-3 times a week AND eating healthier - as opposed to not eating at all, which was the case in September.

How is it possible to lose your fitness mojo when just yesterday it was SO strong?

So this is my vow: I WILL go to the GYM or a 20-30 minute run 3 times a week AND walk at least half of my journey into, and home from, work.

It's a start.

I don't want to fall back into the rut I found myself in earlier this year where I couldn't be arsed to do ANYTHING, except moan about how unfit and fat I thought I was. Jesus, no wonder he bloody dumped me :) - I know, poor humour.

My gym stuff is here (at work) with me today and I'm in two minds to hit the tread instead of staying behind for a couple of drinks with guys from the office and treat myself with 15 minutes in the sauna.

Then again I could do this tomorrow instead, if I'm not moving - and here we go again…

The challenge

Where do you start? 

It's uncharted territory

At least for you

You do not know the way forward

What awaits you in the fog of the unknown?

It's literally one foot in front of the other

Hands stretched out in front of you

Hoping you can pre-empt bumps in the road

Eyes adjusting to the new light

You stumble and you fall

Wishing you could turn back

You don't want to show weakness

But you don't want to fail

When will it all become clearer? 

When will you feel more comfortable along this path? 

This challenge that you have been presented

There is no choice

You have no rights

So you keep on stepping… 

(thoughts and feelings inspired by 3.16am - Jhene Aiko - listen don't watch)

Ghosts of relationships' past

My emotions were pushing hard against the barriers I've put in place to keep them contained and cracks were appearing. It was getting too much for me to carry, standing tall.

My fitness has been slipping, something I'd grabbed hold of over the last few months, something I could control. I have been losing myself to it all the last couple of weeks - the stress of looking for a 'home', a place I could start again, the loss of HIM and our friendship, our love, our connection, possible future.

And then HE texts me.

When the floodgates opened I was scared that I'd relapse. Taking deep breaths seemed to make me feel like I was shrinking, my surroundings growing bigger, closing in on me. The only thing to do was to embrace it but power through whatever I was doing, not stopping to let it take over me completely.

I slept uneasy, made restless by my thoughts - what do I want?

HIM - still *sigh*

But I made the right decision… for me

The sun was shining when I woke this morning so I decided to walk part of the way into work, the crisp air pinking up my cheeks. I could feel the part of my anxiety easing with every step I took, the act of being outside in the winter sun, moving forward.

Putting aside the feelings that had haunted me all night I'm ready to tackle a new day…

My phone beeps, it's one of the girls I'm hoping to move with - we got the flat we'd had our hearts set on.

Finally, I can begin to move on.

To ebb and flow

Mixed feelings, bubbling to the surface

Like trapped air underwater

Desperate for release

A way of expression, time to expose thoughts

Analyse and review, 

Trapped, scared and panicked

What's holding me back? 

Keeping my eyes closed and holding my breath

Unmarked paths stretch out ahead

The horizon, a blurry line

No destination

No time frame

Just a quiet drive to move on,
To move forward,

To hold tight,
To take a deep, deep breath

Final straw

I have reached my limit. I feel so utterly miserable about my living arrangements.

In hindsight I totally rushed into this decision but I felt it was right at the time.

Saturday morning was spent skulking about in my room and cleaning the bathroom (I hope to his high standards) until he left the house.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I've not left anything out of place; I even plump up the cushions on the sofa so it looks like I've not been in there.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

So I've made plans to stay with a friend until I can find something more permanent, which I hope is ASAP. I want to be in my new 'home' by Christmas. It's time to start my new life.

Sisters doing it for ourselves

So after my rant about everything being sh*t and my stupid housemate complaining about me leaving an empty loo roll in the bathroom, I decided to matters into my own hands.

I woke up on Monday morning and was like "right, f**k this sh*t, time to take control". I logged into Spareroom and fired up it's buddy up option. After reading through a few profiles of girls looking for something similar to me in the same kind of areas I was and with the same budget I drafted an email and sent it out with hope that they were as tired as I was of the whole room search.

Within a couple of hours I'd heard back from them all, excited and raring to go. Throughout the week we've been firing emails back and forth arranging a time to meet each other, arranging viewings and general banter.

Last night we went to see 2 flats and finished the night at a pub, chatting, joking and genuinely enjoying each others company. It was fantastic and I feel re-energised knowing that wherever we end up, it'll be a home because the effort we'll all put in making it so.

It's about time for some happier frickin' days :)  

What's stopping you?!

Am I waiting for things to get better instead of just making them happen?

Because:
I'm unsure of what I want
I'm scared
I still want what I once had

So many reasons, barriers, excuses and all of them feel valid at the time said.

But then I think, a year ago I really struggled to run for 5 minutes consistently. I wanted to be better so I tried a little bit harder every time. Now I can run, comfortably, for just over an hour and I'm aiming for a half marathon next year.

It's all about taking baby steps. That's why I'm not pushing myself to feel 100% normal, 100% of the time.

I need to figure out what is really bothering me, what areas of my life I can improve and how?

Tonight I'm off out to see some fireworks with a friend. It's not going to be a late one so I should get home in good time to take a look at this: 

It's a wheel of life. 

If I can chart where I feel I am in each area NOW to identify what areas I'd like to improve and then jog down some action points to make them better, with a deadline - because every goal needs a deadline, perhaps I will stop feeling so listless in this immense period of change?! 

Will report back :D 

Oh no you didn't - yes, yes I did *hangs head in shame*

It's been a drunken, emotional weekend; and I had my first EVER experience of a drunken text to the ex :/

I was swaying in the middle of an O'Neill's pub after enjoying a fun and fancy-free evening at my cousin's 18th; my state sponsored by Captain Morgan's and coke. I don't know why but I just suddenly started to miss him. I knew then and there that I needed to stop what I was drinking and head home, home for that evening being my mum's couch.

I jumped into a cab, mum in tow, stumbled out of my dress and heels and collapsed on the sofa. Even as I was writing the text, I could barely see it, I knew it was a BAD idea and yet I still ploughed through the pain of double vision and sent it.

Sleep swept me off into oblivion for a few hours but I woke up feeling physically sick at my weakness and of course, I've received no response - not that I expected one.

I got a text from a flat I really wanted to say, oh what a surprise, I didn't get it.

Then last night my housemate accused me of 'taking my eye off the ball' because I've forgotten to throw out the empty toilet roll once or twice and I don't stand around all night listening to him witter on about stuff I don't find interesting. I NEED to escape.

SO not happy right now :(