Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

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When the love is over

Four weeks to the day that he broke my heart, I moved out of our shared flat. The actual move was easy, the hard part was the goodbye.

He was sat on the bed, Mac on his lap, as I walked in to tell him I was done with the last of my packing and making a move. I wanted him to get up and pull me into his arms, make me feel less alone in that moment but he remained on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his blue eyes searching my face.

I didn't want to linger, I'd made myself vulnerable to him too many times over the last month, I didn't have the strength for another rejection. As the seconds ticked by and it was obviously he wasn't going to move, I turned my head away and waved goodbye. I barely got out of the door when I broke down, and remained crying the 25 minute walk to my new 'home'.

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in this new place long, part of me wants to move closer to my family so I'm not so alone. I'll need them when he finally leaves and I'll never see him again. I don't know why but just knowing he's knocking around somewhere out there in London makes me feel less discarded.

So we're going to try to be 'just friends', which I'll find hard at first.

I miss him being there, and that's what gets me the most; the loss of having that connection with someone, no longer sharing in-jokes, chilling on a sofa with a beer watching a movie. The physical stuff can be replaced by someone else when I'm strong enough but the friendship…

So here's to new beginnings, to taking each day as it comes - for now - and hopefully to new friendships.

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!

One step at a time...

Gonna run till I don't jiggle

Due to this break-up I'm trying to do more things, have more experiences, to aid the 'I'm getting over you' process. I've signed up to a mucky 12k challenge and am dragging my friend along with me for the company. Why? I have NO fricking idea especially as I suffered for a whole WEEK after the Zest 10k challenge in June, the difference will be that this time I plan to train.

Last night I decided that instead of going to the gym, where it's hot, sticky and smelly, I'd try my hand at outdoor running. The sun was out and it was a nice temperature, so I headed to the park and did a couple of laps.

By the time I finished the first lap I felt like my feet were on fire along with my lungs! I pushed myself to do another lap, hoping that I'd have run for at least the required 20 minutes. When I came to a standstill I pulled out my phone out to check my time - 15 minutes!! I should have started up again and attempted another lap but my poor chest was rattling and my legs were shaking. DEFEATED. I just checked how far I ran… a disappointing 2.6 km. *sigh* Well I guess that's 20% of the challenge covered.

I'm following a 6 week programme I found on t'internet, which I plan to follow religiously, and in the meantime pay attention to what I'm putting in my gob too. Why not make the most of this 'experience'?

So I'm warning you now readers, the next 6 weeks you may find I'll be ranting about how much pain I'm in and how hungry or bored of protein I might be. The rate of swear words used will definitely increase but come 7th October I'll have accomplished my challenge!

(Seriously, what the hell am I doing?)

I feel reasonably okay today, a little tired maybe but no aching muscles or chesty cough. Plan to head to the gym (this time) tomorrow and meet my 25 minute target. It says 'easy run' but after yesterday's performance it can be no less that moderate. BOOM, let's do this!

Find the ones worth suffering for

Okay so this post goes out to my friends and family, who have shown their true colours this past month. You guys rock - hardcore! 

Urban Dictionary: 
A conflictingly, unproven belief that all of life's problems/obstacles can all be conquered/averted by simply believing in friendship, or the belief in others close to a particular individual or group of friends.

Sad to say but when shit hits the fan, you can clearly identify who your friends for a 'season' are in all their glory. It can be a bloody painful realisation, and the pain feels 100 times worse if you're already going through something emotionally challenging. You've invested a great deal of time in a relationship and it suddenly buckles under-pressure.

I received an amazingly touching message over the weekend from someone I've never necessarily considered close (mainly as it's an ex connection). Her words cut through the bullshit and hit my core. It was everything I'd been feeling, fearing, questioning and suddenly there it was, summed up beautifully.

"I think one of the hardest parts about deciding what you want is admitting the possibility that it may involve leaving people behind - that your relationships won't stand up to the changes you're making to be more you. It's painful to look at this possibility, because at one point those relationships were vital, had a spark and a connection. The prospect of leaving them behind, and the prospect that someone might let me leave, is gut-wrenching because it makes me wonder if that connection was real, or if I imagined it in the first place."

Please don't get me wrong. Real friendship is not something I've just learned about, I know I have great friends and I feel undoubtedly blessed because of it. It makes me smile to know I have so many people who care for me that are not just blood relations. I just wanted to share the love with you.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” 

― Bob Marley

Awaken Your Inner Coach

I am responsible for organising and communicating all training, as well as ensuring that my company are supporting staff with meeting agreed goals to the best of their ability. It might be the maternal side of me but I like helping people feel supported and assisting them, in some manner, to achieve what they want to achieve.

Whilst completing my appraisal questionnaire the other day, I realised that a lot of my achievements were based on my feelings of 'support' and 'help' given to others, which got me thinking (again) about coaching.

For those who are not familiar, I refer to coaching as described by BusinessBalls:
"aims to draw out a person's potential rather than puts in aims and knowledge from outside. It develops rather than imposes. It reflects rather than directs. If effective, it is a form of change facilitation - it enables people, rather than trains them."

Instead of expecting work to front up cash for a course in coaching, especially when I have invested my own cash previously and not done anything with it, I signed up to a free webinar given by The Coaching Academy that ran yesterday at noon BST. They had Dawn Breslin as a guest speaker, and her offered tips to awakening your inner coach has inspired me to take a step back.

In my current emotional state - for those unaware please refer to an earlier post, Kicking a habit - it is very easy to make rash decisions, but what I need to do is take this opportunity to observe, reflect and review what it is I want out of my life.

She gave an example of a way to do this, by looking at pictures of ourselves before we were 12 years old and just remembering what we liked, what we wanted to do, how we approached new things, what characteristics we had, etc Reconnect with our core being, the essence of ourselves. Note down our Key Desired Feelings. What do I want to feel every day? And create goals from this. As she put it "Living from the heart is living from INSPIRATION"

Her main tip was to TRUST your intuition; acknowledge it, habituate it. Take baby steps, make a gentle shift.

Most people find it difficult to trust their their intuition for fear of... well, lots of things. If you do not want to just jump in, try tracking your 'truth' by writing it down. Dawn was very strong on observing and listening to your true feelings - eventually leading to your very own inner guiding system.

In time, the goal is that you will be able to draw out your own potential, develop, reflect and facilitate change for yourself. The trick is to just take it one step at a time.