Everything To Live For

I have 12 sleeps until I'll be jetting off to the beauty of Barbados. I booked my flights back in May and I have been holding on to my sanity ever since.

The last 14 months have been a roller-coaster of highs and depressing lows, confusing twists and turns. I feel like I deserve to treat myself to this, kind of like a little celebratory break for surviving.

Last night I started my packing. I've separated the 'holiday' wear from the 'everyday' wear so I could be clear on what I'm still missing.

Because the last 3 weeks have been a bit of a health nightmare, I've put on just under 3 kgs and it all sits on my stomach, the one place I'd worked so hard to trim down. Sods law really but I won't let it ruin my holiday.

I woke up motivated to go to the gym this evening but as usual that dread has set in. I shall go anyway. I just need to get back into the habit of exercise. I know I'll feel better for going, and will sleep like a log tonight.

I've been training for something on and off for the last year, exercise being the substitution for my lost relationship. Sad really, and yet it's probably the best thing I could have done.

It's better than going out and getting pissed, ending up in bed with a random and okay perhaps I don't enjoy it as much I probably would the getting pissed and ending up in bed with a random, but I've learnt a lot about myself in those hours spent at the gym...

• I'm actually a decent runner when I can empty my mind
• I can achieve most things I put my mind too
• I enjoy the short lived sense of achievement
• It's a great way to spend 30-45 minutes on myself

I'm sure I can lose half of that weight gain in 2 weeks if I'm just consistent and watch what I eat (she says as she finishes a mini Terry's Orange bar). So, as I check the clock... 55 minutes left of my work day... I guess I'll see you on the flip side - or the gym's changing room. Got a beach body to regain!

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

I only love you when I'm drunk

Have you ever reached that level of drunkeness when you just love everyone? 

It doesn't matter that they frustrated you earlier by talking over you or dismissed the point you were making or haven't made an effort in your life for weeks... you just LOVE them.

Life is too short to hate people, regardless of what they've done. Why poison your existence with bad feelings towards another?

I love you despite you putting my siblings first.
I love you despite you having left the company and me missing your ass like crazy.
I love you despite the fact I'm jealous of your new life and family.
I love you despite EVERY THING.

Time To Take It Seriously

Money has always been my biggest weakness. I'm useless with it. As soon as it hits my account, it's gone... doesn't help that I have an addiction to eBay.

I want to save but the things I want to experience cost money.

I have to make peace with the fact that I will never be in a position that I will be able to afford my own home. It's something you really need to start to save for early on, something I wish someone had made clear to me in my late teens.

So this year I've made the decision to invest in my education and life experiences. I've finally found a job that I enjoy and it marries most of my interests.

It's time!

I'm not getting any younger and time just seems to be slipping through my fingers scarily fast.

In two months the lease will be up on our flat and there will be two options: our rent will stay the same and I'll stay or I'll have to move.

As much as I want to get out of London I have finally built up the momentum where I could learn and experience a lot (professionally). I'm not sure if that means staying in my current role, although I'd need to continue REALLY shaking things up, or seek other opportunities.

I've felt myself slip into a bit of a lull recently and I wonder if that's because I've not had a proper break since Christmas. I'm second guessing myself every day. I'm at a point where I feel like I want to just escape it all for a while.

I think I need to refocus. I've got my next coaching session on Saturday morning and I feel like I should reduce the time between sessions for the next few, get back that momentum I had.

One thing I do know is that come January 2015 (eek!!) I'm going to be starting my CIPD course and that will take me one step closer to where I want to be professionally. I have to remember that I'm not superhuman and I have to be careful not to overload myself but I just want to be AWESOME!!

And on that note, here's a link to a real guide on 'How to be Awesome'. I'll be following these tips religiously for the next month to see if it makes any difference.

Dancing In The Rain

Saturday morning I met up with my friend for our first Zumba class together in Camden. We found it as a deal on Groupon and needed a kick start to our Bank Holiday weekend.

Five minutes in and we were sweating, panting and counting down the hour. F**k Tough Mudder, this class was an INSANE workout! But we left feeling on top of the world, ready for Carnival on the Monday.

As you'd expect from British weather, the day I was due to dance in the street wearing next to nothing it rains.

I woke up yesterday morning after a shocking nights sleep, feeling exhausted and lazy. Having stayed over my friends house so we could go to Carnival together, we both sat on the sofa bed staring out at the bleak weather feeling less than motivated to leave the house. 

The general consensus was that we'd stay home or go bowling, but at some point during breakfast we were convinced by her boyfriend that even if we went for an hour, we should make the most of the opportunity, after all we'd paid for the privilege of dancing within a secured area, unlimited alcoholic drinks and snacks. 

Donning our outfits, plus an extra t-shirt and hoodie, we ventured out into the cold - the rain had stopped. Our spirits high, we got to Kensal Rise within 45 minutes of leaving the house. Unfortunately by the time we'd got there it was raining HARD. 

We'd took shelter underneath a shop canopy and waited for the rain to ease about 15 minutes. I was tempted to go home. In fact I announced it a couple of times. I said my goodbyes and was about to leave BUT, for some unknown reason, I changed my mind and we continued on. 

Music, alcohol, laughter and lots of dancing! 

We were soaked through but I wouldn't have changed it for the world!