The friend in need

One of my closest male friends, someone I hoped would be there for me when my world crashed around me, has recently found himself alone and heartbroken. He text me and said "I finally know how you felt".

And you know what?

I felt as though I had NO advice to give him.

Not because I hadn't learnt something from these past 6 months, but because nothing I say will help. EVERY day will be hard until one day you wake up and it's not so hard anymore.

I'm friends with both of them. They are both trying to cope with the loss of someone that means/meant everything to them. 

All I could say was:

It'll take time lovely. Give yourself the space to grieve what you had. 

My only advice is to keep your distance as much as possible for now. Plus, no one expects you to jump into anything just yet. 

Love is a powerful drug, it takes a while for it all to work out of your system. I'm not fully recovered yet, but I'm no longer so under Love's influence that I can't see doing what I need to do is the best thing for me right now. 

Look after you and rest will work itself out x

How much of that I actually believe, I don't know but it's how I feel. 

The week leading up to yesterday I found myself scouring the net, reading 'how to get over/let go of your ex' articles in an effort to keep hold of my sanity. I've been like 'if I can preoccupy my mind by following a couple of things they suggest, I'll not feel so helpless and unwanted'.

I came across this article - Different Hearts, Same Heartbreak - and I thought, yes this is exactly how it feels.

So I hope they read this blog and the one I've linked to. It won't lessen the pain he's feeling but it helps (a minuscule amount) with the loneliness because everyone feels the same heartbreak…

"Don't try to understand everything, because sometimes it is not meant to be understood, but to be accepted."

The Date

I've decided to accept that I simply cannot control my heart. It wants what it wants.

Kind of like when my body craves chocolate or sugary goods around the time of the month all women, and possibly men too, hate.

So drawing on the limited learning I've gained from my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course, I'm trying to change the way I interpret and respond to my surroundings.

Step 1: Be more active in terms of socialising and 'putting oneself out there'

Step 2: Strike up conversation with someone (a guy)

Step 3: Exchange numbers

Step 4: If you're not totally weirded out by the guy, set up a date

Step 5: Go on said date

So, that's what I've done; I've gone on my first date… It wasn't terrible but I'd rather not do it again.

He'll probably google my name now and read this but I have to be honest.

It wasn't him, I just didn't feel anything and in fact, we spent a great deal talking about our exes. Today was his ex's birthday and my 6th month anniversary. Dates to be remembered and not for the 5 beers and forced conversation.

Still, I did it and it was relatively painless... about as fun as a wax, which reminds me...

End Of The Road

So, we made it
It's been six whole months
Have we really changed?

I am confused,

Shouldn't things get better?

Yes, time passes

But the reasons it's over still matter.

Is my laughter really real,

Or have I found it's the only way?

Taking those deep breaths, in and out,

Denying things I still want to say.

Nobody wants to hear it any more, 

Because it seems enough time has passed.

I should just be over it all,

No longer allowed to feel so crushed.

You don't call or text,
I guess that says it all really.
My days and nights are still full of us,
But you're managing fine without me.

And that's normal I suppose,
I mean, you wanted it this way.
You want to find true love, that's not me I get it,
I just wish I felt the same.

So smile, be happy, move on, go date

That's what I should do.

And only ever cry, hidden, when I remember,

That all I ever wanted,
Was you.

Reaching New Heights

Rock-climbing - HELL YEAH! Albeit it was indoors but still awesome.

I arrived at Mile End Climbing Wall not really knowing what in the world I was about to get myself in to. In line with my New Years Resolution, a friend and I rocked up - did you see what I did there ha ha, ahem - in our sports gear in good time to complete our medical waivers and change into our "too small for your feet" climbing shoes.

We met up with the other people in our group, two friends Lindsay and Emma, and a couple on their first date, Roshan and Asha. Our instructor, Phil, was a nerdy looking fella with a friendly and inviting humorous approach to teaching us the ropes.

Our first challenge was to make our way around the walls of the small introduction room without falling off, including the spread eagle stretch across the open door. At first I was bothered about scuffing or breaking my nails but after 5 minutes I was bouncing around like a kid every time I managed to complete a task correctly.

We moved on to ropes and were introduced to the frontal wedgie - ooouch. The harness needs to be tight enough around your waist that you can still breath, just, and your leg straps are just a bulky version of spanx to your arse cheeks.

Climbing to the top of that wall gave me SUCH a sense of achievement but when I touched the roof of the centre and looked down to ask if I could be let down, my heart jumped into my throat, my palms started getting sweaty and I felt the blood drain from my face. I was excited and shaking with silent joy but the experience is still nerve-wracking.

All in all I give the evening a BIG thumbs up. We're planning on signing up to their beginners course, where you learn all about how to tie the knots in the ropes and the control. Now that we've completed the tasters session we can go bouldering any time we want.

If you've never been, get on it!

Tinderlious

Oh god I'm here again and I'll tell you what, it NEVER gets easier.

In fact I think I'm pickier than when I was younger, when all I was looking for was someone tall, cute and fun. Now I'm looking for something long-term, husband material, someone I could see myself growing old with - what a tall order?!

And how do you even go about it? Long gone are the days when I have the time, money or energy to go out every night and meet someone organically. Now it's all down to these fandangled phone apps - and the fact I used fandangled just proves how out of the dating scene I am.

Tinder... actually, when I was still with my ex he had a client who was working on a BETA app that we signed up to as testers. It was under a different name back then but it's generally the same thing.

Using your location, it offers you pictures of guys and girls that you can either 'like' or 'dislike'. If you like someone and they like you, you 'match' and you have the option for communication. Great. Simple enough...

Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
Dislike
It that really a penis? DISLIKE
OMG, really? Dislike

Hmm, maybe not as simple as I thought.

Am I rushing into this? No, it's nearly been 6 months; it's time to start the next stage. Can you do that if you haven't completely reached the finish line of the first? Shut up hope, shut up, we're doing this.

Ooh okay, cute. Like
Dislike
Dislike
Ha ha ha funny pictures. Like
Dislike
Dislike

Okay I'm bored now. I'll try again next month....

The onesie rut

Sitting at home watching movies with your girls is all right every once and a while but when you take stock of your month and see that it happens each and every evening and weekend… it's time to re-evaluate your social life.

The problem with January is it's a 'poor' month for me. I over spend at Christmas because it's the party season and I've seem to continued with that level of spending into the New Year. It's day 20 and I've already had to dip into my savings to save me from going too far into my overdraft.

We all know I love to spend.

In the last month alone I've had to fork out for 3 family birthday presents, lots of travel and then there's my shopping habit (2 coats, 3 pairs of shoes and some new gym kit - not apologising for the the last one though).

This has GOT TO STOP. With 11 days left of the month I'm looking at my calendar and thinking - I can hold on for a little bit longer if it means I am in a better position financially.

My hair is badly in need of a trim but with some serious deep conditioning and homemade oil treatments, my ends can survive for another 2 weeks. And now that I've recovered from my common but brutal cold, I'll fill a couple of week nights with visits to the gym, even if it's just for 30 minutes in the sauna.

My work lunches will be brought in from home EVERY DAY and I will use whatever I have in the cupboards. Dinner will be sponsored by Scandal, meaning that I shall be eating nothing but popcorn until pay day next Friday, and at the weekend I can make a point of visiting my mum's to get fed.

Bloody hell, I'm nearly 31 and I'm living like a student.

In the meantime I should probably invest in a few more onesies... I think I might have a shopping addiction.

We're not old, we're retro - rant

Another one bites the dust.

My friend is pregnant. In the last 6 months she's found the love of her life and now, she's pregnant.

I'm happy for her, of course I am. I knew it would be him :) they light up around one another but, I'm sad too. Not because I'm losing another friend to motherhood, it's more selfish than that; it's because I'm exactly in the same place as I was 5 years ago... getting over a boy, not sure what I'm doing with life. 

It's a numbing reality. 

I'm not even really sure where to start with work. Two weeks of Jan have passed and they have done so like thieves in the night, without me noticing. It's a sobering thought that time can pass so silently. 

I know why I'm freaking out. I've got 9 weeks left. This year, my 30th year, started on such a high, had a drastic dip and has now plateaued. I had imagined it SO differently. 

If you had the option to read about what would happen in your life over the next year, would you? I think after the last year... I might consider it, just to prepare myself for ANYTHING. 

I promise, I'm not drunk. Still sober 19 days in. I think this is a sugar rant, or lack of. 

One step at a time x