Still...

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

The wind blowing against my skin, pushing my cardigan away from my body

Mellow guitar cords strumming in my ears

Making the perfect soundtrack

All these elements create a feeling inside of me that I just can't shake

Like it's haunting me 

Life is going on around me

Happy, smiling

Painful, sad 

A group of girls giggling

A father pushing a buggy

Lads playing football

And me, the observer of life

The sun streaming through the gaps of the trees

Finally taking that stroll

The one I spoke of for so long

No Love Allowed

I live with 3 beautiful women. That's not me being nice, these girls are gorgeous.

Each of them smart, funny and cultured. Found each other by chance, and it was the best thing that could have happened for me.

What do we have in common? We're single in London.

Whether fresh out of a relationship, been single for a while, suffering from trust issues, the one thing we all agree we crave is simple love and affection.

And it's proving hard to find someone on the same page.

Using a variety of means to meet someone new, it seems there is just too much temptation for some guys to remain keen enough to move passed the first or second date. Some don't even put in the effort to make it that far.

As much as I personally crave the attention and the physical affection (not referring to sex here) I'm also very aware that my heart is still healing, despite it nearly being a year, but I don't want anyone serious. There will be no Mr. Right. I'm not ready, it's still too raw.

I just want some good company, someone to laugh with, someone to talk to. It's probably what I miss the most.

Big Girl's Panties

After yesterday's depressing post I went home last night, skipping the gym yet again, and decided that for things to change, I need to take action.

The fact is, I'm not going to win the lottery. Money would most definitely ease my worries but it wouldn't cure my ills. I cannot jump on a plane or disappear to the countryside to escape my life as much as I'd like to, my problems will just follow me there.

Because the problems are within me.

My lack of confidence, the ease with which I give in to the path of least resistance, choose instant gratification instead of putting in the hard graft for long-term results.

It's most evident in my lack of training (fitness) but I do it in all areas of my life - studies, financials, work.  

I woke up today and I felt like sh*t about myself, and a very real conversation with a friend last night reminded me that our current ‘now’ is a product of our choices.

I wanted to write a post today and I didn't really have a topic in mind until I saw the image above. It was something my friend posted a while back and it was suddenly clear that I need to get off my arse, stop feeling so sorry for myself and get on track.

My mission: to make better choices!

The Worst

There's something going on that I just cannot explain.

I'm scared to admit that I feel the familiar creepings of depression setting in.

I've lost all energy and motivation. In fact I have the strongest urge to run away and hide somewhere until I feel normal again.

I felt this particular instinct back in September when I couldn't see the wood from the trees after the break up. I feel overwhelmed and emotional, lost and helpless.

I'm sitting in front of my computer just staring at it, empty - well obviously right now I'm typing this so I guess it's not as empty as I'm making out but you get the picture.

I suddenly feel as though my life is over.

All around me people are moving on, moving up and I feel stuck in the same place just watching from the side lines. And the worst thing about it is I just don't know where I want to go. I have the power to change my situation and I just don't know what I want to change it to...

Family
Money
FEAR
Laziness
Time... Time...

Do you ever wish you could rewind 10 years and try it all again?

GOOD friends

Recently I always seem to be in and out of a funny head space. And when I'm in those lows it's because I feel like I'm missing out on things.

People all around me are either buying houses, getting married, or having babies. And it's clear to me in those moments that he was right, I want or I'm ready for those things now.

I'm dead set on getting myself in serious shape and I'm trying to make the best of things at work in an effort to set myself up for a decent career in the future, but late at night, when the lights are out and the housemates are all settled, I think about these things.

Sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm deep into a scenario in my head and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

These pesky thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm lonely.

So it's great that I can escape them on nights like last night. Thriller LIVE (yes, again) with my ride or die chicks; the girls I met and have grown with through our late teens, early adulthood. These women know who I am, sometimes more than I do.

We sang, we danced, we laughed and we cried from laughing so hard. By the time we hugged and said our goodbyes, the smile on my face was there to stay for the rest of the evening.

Earlier in the day I'd signed up to a happiness challenge called #100happydays and I knew, even before I'd met them at our agreed spot, that they were my happiness on Day One. And when I fell asleep last night, my mind didn't wander, it didn't settle on my loneliness, it just drifted off into a warm nothingness where I replayed the night.

Friendship consists in forgetting what one gives and remembering what one receives. 

Alexander Dumas

I don't have MONEY on my mind

Approximately 90% of people will see the same word first. But what does that word mean to you in terms of your priorities?

It could mean that the first word you see is the topic that's most on your mind at that time, in my case it's a matter of the heart. But then, how much are your results determined by the limited word offerings, their placement, or our western tendency to read from left to right, top to bottom?

I wrote down my top TEN in the order they 'appeared' to me:
Love
Experience
Success
Health
Power
Intelligence
Honesty
Beauty
Youth
Time
… Money

What do you see?

"Just keep swimming"

Sometimes to get what you want you have to do things you really don't enjoy.

Exercise is a bloody pain. Well, that's not strictly true, exercises that make a damn DIFFERENCE are a pain.

They're hard work, they're definitely NOT a quick fix solution and they can be uncomfortable... but to grit your teeth, do them anyway and start to see changes to your body? Without a doubt, one of the best feelings EVER! Even when your favourite jeans are too tight; not because you've put on weight, but because you've put on muscle.

A week before my birthday I told myself that just because my skinny arse housemates continue to keep the cupboards stacked with biscuits, popcorn and chocolate goodies, it doesn't mean I have to eat them. Clearly our bodies process those food differently. They don't get fat, but I do. C'est la vie.

So I stuffed my last oreo into my mouth, shed a tear and vowed to make more of a conscious effort to eat cleaner. Where their breakfast is a bowl of cereal or fruit and a yoghurt, mine will be eggs and wholemeal toast; their dinners consist usually of beans on toast or a bowl of popcorn followed by a chicken pie, I will roast a decent portion of chicken accompanied by sweet potatoes and leafy greens.

I don't care HOW badly I want to have that streamlined look, I'm terrified by the notion that if you do not feed you body enough it starts storing fat for pure survival, so I eat.

My muscles may develop quick enough but I put on fat just as easily. Apparently that means I have a endomorph body type. I actually sit between two types, endo and meso, but I think I fall mainly under the former. That means I need to do some serious cardio and frequent muscle building/strengthening.  

I have to confess that I have noticed that, even in two weeks, by reducing my simple carb and alcohol (sugar) intake, my body has started to accept change more easily. That and I've run 15km in the last 4 days.

I shall miss my Friday night glasses of wine after work but I want this more. And if I plan in a night or two of ultimate debauchery per month, so not completely cutting myself off, I'm sure I can maintain this new regime. The more results I see, the easier it will be to convince myself I'm not giving up anything but rather giving myself the best treat of all - achieving my goals!