I don't have MONEY on my mind

Approximately 90% of people will see the same word first. But what does that word mean to you in terms of your priorities?

It could mean that the first word you see is the topic that's most on your mind at that time, in my case it's a matter of the heart. But then, how much are your results determined by the limited word offerings, their placement, or our western tendency to read from left to right, top to bottom?

I wrote down my top TEN in the order they 'appeared' to me:
Love
Experience
Success
Health
Power
Intelligence
Honesty
Beauty
Youth
Time
… Money

What do you see?

"Just keep swimming"

Sometimes to get what you want you have to do things you really don't enjoy.

Exercise is a bloody pain. Well, that's not strictly true, exercises that make a damn DIFFERENCE are a pain.

They're hard work, they're definitely NOT a quick fix solution and they can be uncomfortable... but to grit your teeth, do them anyway and start to see changes to your body? Without a doubt, one of the best feelings EVER! Even when your favourite jeans are too tight; not because you've put on weight, but because you've put on muscle.

A week before my birthday I told myself that just because my skinny arse housemates continue to keep the cupboards stacked with biscuits, popcorn and chocolate goodies, it doesn't mean I have to eat them. Clearly our bodies process those food differently. They don't get fat, but I do. C'est la vie.

So I stuffed my last oreo into my mouth, shed a tear and vowed to make more of a conscious effort to eat cleaner. Where their breakfast is a bowl of cereal or fruit and a yoghurt, mine will be eggs and wholemeal toast; their dinners consist usually of beans on toast or a bowl of popcorn followed by a chicken pie, I will roast a decent portion of chicken accompanied by sweet potatoes and leafy greens.

I don't care HOW badly I want to have that streamlined look, I'm terrified by the notion that if you do not feed you body enough it starts storing fat for pure survival, so I eat.

My muscles may develop quick enough but I put on fat just as easily. Apparently that means I have a endomorph body type. I actually sit between two types, endo and meso, but I think I fall mainly under the former. That means I need to do some serious cardio and frequent muscle building/strengthening.  

I have to confess that I have noticed that, even in two weeks, by reducing my simple carb and alcohol (sugar) intake, my body has started to accept change more easily. That and I've run 15km in the last 4 days.

I shall miss my Friday night glasses of wine after work but I want this more. And if I plan in a night or two of ultimate debauchery per month, so not completely cutting myself off, I'm sure I can maintain this new regime. The more results I see, the easier it will be to convince myself I'm not giving up anything but rather giving myself the best treat of all - achieving my goals!

Thirty Plus Blues

Last year I got a card that said 'Good Old Flirty Thirties' but in reality, my thirties are anything but.

Over the last couple of days another year has been added to my life and I've taken a moment to review the last 12 months... what a palaver. I really need to stop talking about getting a grip on my life and actually DO IT.

It's time to stop living in my overdraft, dreading Mondays because I have to go to work, complaining about the state of my waistline, wishing a lottery win would solve all of my problems.

I've set myself a high goal of getting my butt to the gym four times this week and NO alcohol consumption. As much as I enjoy hearing all the funny things I said or did at our Friday night after work drinks at lunch on the following Monday, I don't enjoy how the hangover takes over my entire Saturday or that it slows down all progress I'm making on the fitness front.

My friend and PT set me a task last week of texting him my fitness goals for the week, all which I met. So Sunday night before bed, I text him my list for this week in an effort to feel accountable to someone. They were:
No added sugar (except fruit)
60 second plank every day
15 push ups every day
4 cardio workouts
2 weight sessions
Read 2 modules of my CBT course

So far I've not really delivered on any. I usually do the push-ups and plank at night before bed but last night, after a small slice of homemade carrot cake, I fell asleep reading my kindle. So I failed on the first 3 goals on my first day... I'm going to the gym tonight though and I will KICK some butt to make up for being lazy! Except I've agreed to meet an old friend on Thursday for a Krispy Kreme.... damn it!

Do you have presence or are you a shrinking violet?

This was something raised in my annual appraisal and it's a question I have been asking myself ever since.

Do you have presence? Are you visible, heard?

Because there's a difference between being seen and someone seeing you, or being heard and someone actually hearing what you have to say.

I was in a meeting on Monday morning with a real L&D trainer, an aspiring trainer, their boss and a salesman. I came prepared, notes at the ready, desired outcome and participant action points in mind. Though the trainer was asking questions, I felt confident in my knowledge, what I wanted out of the meeting and held the attention of each attendee as I spoke.

I had presence in that meeting. Why? Because I viewed all of them my equal. But as soon as I walked out of the room and back to my desk, which happens to be in the corner of an office full of designers - none of whom I liaise with for work - I knew that presence had dissipated. I am left alone, to my own devices.

I feel my contribution falls on deaf ears and so I question my use, my capabilities, my worth. And so it all boils down to this... if invisible is how I feel, what am I going to do about it? Have I done all I can to make my presence felt? And more importantly, do I want to be noticed?

Shouting for no reason

Why can I still hear you?
My headphones are in,
My music is at full volume.

That poor bloke looks miserable.
More accurately, embarrassed.
Is this what you think motivates?

You stand over others, whilst he struggles,
Laughing and joking.
An arrogant look on your face,
Chest high and shoulders back.

You should be educating people, not bullying them
You are one of the reasons we shy away, make excuses

You have a responsibility to guide
I don't think abuse is part of your job description
Stop making it a frightening experience
Make it enlightening, thought-provoking,
If you're as good as you think you are, enjoyable

Instead of VPT (very personal trainer) on your back,
You should have C**T
No acronym necessary

Luna cycle, Gigs and all that good stuff

I've been quiet for the last couple of weeks. Soz. As I mentioned in my last post, things have just been a bit weird. I can't quite put my finger on it, everything has been a bit mental.

It started with an argument, and then my career hopes were lifted and promptly dashed.

A friend suggested my mood of late could have something to do with the luna cycle – apparently the two weeks from new moon to full moon tends to create a low energy environment.

Yesterday was the first morning I've woken and felt I've had enough energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise and funnily enough, yesterday was the arrival of the full moon.

But it's not ALL been bad, I've had the pleasure of attending a few really good gigs of late.

London Grammar played at The Troxy, Limehouse on 5th March. Some performances trumped the album version, making my arm hairs stand on end and sending chills running down my spine. The lead's vocals is so hauntingly beautiful that she makes you feel numb with passion, lust and lost and longing all at once. The three of them are so amazingly talented individually that together to form an all powerful unit of youthful wisdom via their music.

The gig that I have been counting down the days for and at the same time fretting it's arrival, Bombay Bicycle Club. I simply LOVE everything about these guys. The way their music can go from smoothing &, that word again, longing (Eyes Off You) to having me jumping out of my seat, screaming my head off because I know every word (What If) I am grateful there are artists out there who are able to transfer their talents easily from recorded album to stage, bringing with it more energy and variety. I'll be seeing them again before the year is out and that's a PROMISE.

Finally, Chvrches. A reasonably new act and it showed. I felt disappointed that given there not being much stage presence - light show was pretty - timing was off. Much of it not being the bands fault actually, so guys have a word with your production team. The sound wasn't brilliant but the lead's powerful lungs were able to push through the nonsense and managed to deliver great vocals. Overall though, I wouldn't rush to see them perform the same material twice, whereas I would with both LG and BBC.

I love music.

It's helped me through my break-up, through boring work days and perked up long journeys home on the night bus.

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Down in the dumps

I'm feeling lost; like I've hit a wall.

I started listening to an audio tape called 'Abundance of Life' and after 4 minutes I'd already zoned out. It's as if I've run out of energy. I just want to go home and sleep.

It's that countdown. In 16 days I'll turn the ripe old age of 31 and I feel sad, like my life has taken a couple of steps backwards.

I don't even know that I'm slipping into the unknown until I'm there, scratching at the walls at the bottom of the pit. It's a dark and lonely place to be. I know that this will all end but I'm not sure how long it will last, so I sit in this gloominess trying to wait it out, which is dangerous.

I've been here before. It manifests itself as tiredness, then I fall unwell a lot and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep at night.

I feel trapped; like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round.

*sigh*

And right now, I have no energy to do anything about it.