Dear body, I'm so proud

Dear body,

I'm so sorry for this weekend. I've abused you :(
BUT we had fun though didn't we?
I thoroughly enjoyed the dancing we attempted, no achieved!
You were a badass and all eyes were on you, even if they were wide with horror at the shapes you were throwing around.
Totally awesome.
However, yesterday... I'm just sorry.
I know you felt awful but I tried to help by hydrating you with plenty of water, although I suppose the 10 biscuits dunked in coffee, the Haribo sweets, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and Chedder crackers didn't really help.
I'll do better.
Tonight we shall Salsa and we'll take a nice little break from alcohol this week.
I promise to visit the gym at least twice and feed you healthy, nutritional meals.
After all, we've got a big day coming up.

Don't freak out, we've got this.
We'll do our best and we'll have a laugh, and when we get to the finish line we can say
"I did that!"
It'll be our first achievement in this new chapter for us.
Can I just say, you've done me proud.
You've shown me a strength I never knew I had.
We've come a long way over the last couple of months, I know it's been hard on you too but you've never given up :) so I thank you.

We are on our way baby!

All my love,
me
x

Drifting

I'm staring up at blue skies, 

Body swaying 

In time with the water I'm floating on 

Weightless 

Clouds float past

Fluffy pockets of air

Making patterns above my head

Mindless

The current delivers me, finally, to land

I settle down, a firm bed made in warm sand

And here I'll remain, for a while, to mend 

So I'm staring up at blue skies, 

My body surrounded

The water lapping at my toes

Careless

Glutton for punishment

I tried my best. No one can say that I didn't try because I really DID. I have no shoulda, woulda, coulda's left. He's looking for the chance to find true love, something I apparently cannot offer. I can only offer REAL love and that's just not enough for him. But I understand that this isn't about me, it's about him and how he feels and that's nothing I can influence or control.

C'est la vie

So, I'm going to have to pack up all the memories, the good feelings I had for him, the in-jokes and intimate thoughts. They'll all go in an archive box to be stored in the shadowed regions of my heart for a while. When I'm strong enough, I may take it out every once and a while to remind myself about the good times but that won't be for a few months yet.

It's sad, I'm not going to lie, and it's hard. Who really wants to know that you're not enough for someone to love?! However, he answered my questions - in a vague, contradictory way - but his overall message was clear:

Move on and don't look back. 

I'm not down on myself though, not this time. I'm just sad, because I thought we had something really great.

Friends think that he'll regret it, but I don't. Even years down the line, if he's still looking, he won't regret this decision. And hopefully one day soon, I won't even care if he does or doesn't.

I'm literally speechless now. I'll never be able to convey just how perfect I felt we were, and I wasn't the only one who thought so, but there you go… you can never guarantee how things work out and if that's true about anything, it's LOVE.

Goodbye you - I hope that one day you fully understand just how much you gave up but that you can look back and it still warms your heart to know you were loved SO much x

Down the rabbit hole I go

Of course there would be more of me scraping my knees along the gravel before I would finally pick my a** up from the bottom of the pit and start to climb towards the light…

However, I'm not sure if I have actually hit rock bottom yet. Yes, I belittle myself by begging and crying in public - not both at the same time thank goodness, perhaps I still have a little more to go down the rabbit hole before this ends? But I'm still as befuddled towards the reasonings as the day my world was turned upside down.

My sister says it's something to be proud of, the fact that I am fighting for something I believe in. I am amazed - at my capacity to make myself so vulnerable and still keep going back for more. I DO believe in this - in love! It's not the fairytale ending Disney led us to believe growing up folks.

Ever wonder why the story ends when the girl and guy gets together? Because shit gets messy! Values are questioned, wants and needs are examined, then your boyfriend decides that you are not as important to him as possible life experiences… he's not actually said this I'm presuming reasons because I cannot get straight forward answers…

So what do I do? I send him another email asking him to change his mind. You may read this and think "God, that's so pathetic", it is and I woke up this morning feeling like I sold my soul but at least I went down'n'out fighting - HARDCORE.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back which is probably a good thing. The longer he can stay away from me and I not hear from him, the better all round. The hardest part is knowing that I've made myself about as vulnerable as can be - completely exposed - and I'm effectively being rejected BUT I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix, just hopefully not as destructive as Dr Jean Grey.

I joked that I'm half tempted to just show up on his doorstep. Imagine it, he arrives home after a late session with a client, tired, and I'm sitting there, completely rain sodden, big doe eyes, ready to plead. Now in the movies this would work.

I'm not afraid to say I still love him. He was my family, my lover, my past and my future, he held my heart, soul, mind and body, he was my joker, my challenger, my best friend. And  I just cannot manage to make it through the day without thinking of him, how he's doing, if he's happy, if he has someone to talk to.

Everyday, even after a particularly hard one, I wake up with hope. I don't know why because I've only ever received negative results in this situation, but the positivity keeps bubbling to the surface briefly.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Don't forget to be AWESOME

A quiet period? That's what he's told people, that we're having a quiet period…

I'm not sure that I like that description. I feel like it belittles what is actually happening - that I'm having to force myself into a new mindset, one that doesn't include him and to do that I need some freaking space.

What a prick. Quiet period indeed!

Honestly the more this goes on, even when he's not doing anything particularly different to before, I feel like bitterness is taking over me. It's like that black stuff in Spiderman 3.

And then, when I feel comfortable with the fact that I'm not in touch with him, he pops up on my phone to see 'how my week's been'; projecting himself back in my life, WTF?!

And suddenly those bad feelings are right back at my door. Transference is a bitch. Transference: “the redirection of feelings and desires toward a new object.”

There's a really funny scene in Two Can Play That Game that explains what I'm talking about but I couldn't find a clip :( It is FUNNY though.

Non-stop banter with the colleagues, lots of laughter at their hangovers and a pizza for lunch has left me in a much better mood for the beginning of the weekend. So happy it's Friday. Now I'm off to share some quality time with some loved ones.

Final thought of the week: Heartache is a B***H

Are you healing through music?

So, I'm listening to two new albums at the moment. The artists and feel of the music couldn't be more different but both are striking a cord with me.

Arctic Monkeys released their new album this week, AM. Starting off with "Do I Wanna Know", where several lyrics mirror my state of mind:

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat...

(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hoping that you'd stay...

Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new...

Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts...

Fireside, which is not only a tune you can easily bop to whilst walking down the street, it speaks to my soul - I know kinda deep but honestly, give it a listen. Alex T is clearly talking from experience and he puts it beautifully, in a twisted descriptive way.

I love the way he puts the absence of a loved one:

Like in my heart there's that hotel suite and you lived there so long, 

It's kinda strange now you're gone

And

And I thought I was yours forever

Maybe I was mistaken but I just cannot manage to make it through the day

Without thinking of you lately

Oh my god! 

Anyway, in general the album flows through an array of emotions about having lost someone you love with catchy beats and chorus'. It's an album anyone can relate to whether they've been in love or had an unhealthy crush - you know what I'm talking 'bout!

The other is London Grammar's debut album, If You Wait.

Haunting melodies and insightful lyrics, these guys tap into the dark and twisty side of your emotions evoking thoughtful analysis of what you really want out of life and love. Phew! That was a bit deep, huh? But their album review by WHATCULTURE quoted "A combination of ambience, trance and a classical aura create an intoxicating blend which somewhat demands you to listen to them."

Metal and Dust paints the picture of all relationships that are built and then crumble, offering their observation in both verses:

And so, you built a life on trust

Though it starts, with love and lust

And when your house, begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

And all foundation that we made

Built to last, they disintegrate

And when your house begins to rust

Oh, it's just, metal and dust

Flickers is more about those haunting - there's that word again - images and thoughts of the person who left you behind. Much like my post "Full of you". The guitar and bass rifts gives it an uplifting reggae feel. But it's the chorus:

And everytime I go to bed

An image of you flickers in my head

And everytime I fall asleep

An image of you flows in my dream

I think my favourite part of the song is towards the end around the 2.50-3 min mark when the beat kicks in a bit more and Reid draws you in with her own rifts. I get goosebumps listening to it.

Last but not least, the title track "If You Wait".

And if you wait 

I will trust in time that we will meet again

Have a listen to both, even if you think either are not really your cup of tea musically. Open yourself up.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.

I had a dream

I was chatting to a colleague today about dreams; he'd had one about me getting together with a fellow colleague that I sit opposite. I also had a very weird dream last night and once we'd had a giggle about how strange we both are we decided to look into them.

First I'll share my dream with you.

I work for some sort of CIA organisation and we're based in what looks like an old hospital. It's war beaten, bombed and dusty. My plain clothed team are placed strategically around and there are patients dotted around. Then, a couple of kids run in, apparently my relatives because they run up to me crying "Auntie" and hug me. The team have to then pretend we are actually doctors attending to these patients, who are in fact our prisoners or something. 

I try to usher the kids out of the building, and we're suddenly in a run down street in East London. My nephew (I don't have one in real life) jumps on me and starts hugging and kissing my face then laughs and tells me he has headlice. I check his scalp and there they are, the little buggers. I start feeling itchy. 

I send the children back in the war zone hospital which has turned into a pub and I run to the corner chemist. I walk straight up to the counter, the assistant is chatting to a male friend. I start to get impatient. I want an ointment but all they have is some old school shampoo. I pay and run back out into the street - I wake up and wash my hair! 

Interpretation:
To dream that there are endless amount of bugs coming out of your hair suggests that something is weighing on your mind that you are confused about. Perhaps you are making a big deal out of a minor matter. Alternatively, the dream refers to concerns over your public image.

To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life. You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.

To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

Conclusion:
I think the dream is symbolising the way I'm dealing or not dealing with my relationship ending.

What have you been dreaming about lately? Check out their meaning at Dream Moods

Full of you

My mind is full of you

I go to sleep with thoughts of you

I wake with thoughts of you

You haunt me 

Like a fragrance in the wind, lingering on

You are like a serpent 

Wrapped around me, refusing to let me free

I am SO mad at you for doing this to me 

But if you asked I would take you back

I cannot get over how 

I can still have love for you, dripping from me

Where yours has run dry

It is so unfair

That our love has changed 

Now my love, 

Unrequited 

Rage Against the *love* Machine

I wrote him a letter and left it at the flat this weekend. I wasn't expecting him to find it so fast but I guess I didn't really hide it. He text me this morning to say that he found it. There's nothing to say to that.

I left it for a reason BUT I feel guilty and I'm not sure why. It could be because we had such a lovely day yesterday and I've now tarnished that for him (if he cares enough) or the fact he found it at the beginning of his day… whatever the reason, I now feel like a douche!

RAGE! Wtf? Why can I not stop thinking about this bullshit experience I'm going through? It's an unwanted shadow over my life. I've accepted the fact he doesn't want me, now let me move the f**k on!

I guess I've just slammed back into the "Anger" stage of grief/loss.

FML and take a deep breath

Seven days (Day 7)

My last day on this blogging adventure, and coincidentally, the last day I will spend with him for a while. I'm spending the rest of this month alone because it's evident that, although it's only been two weeks since I moved out, he's doing fine without me and I need to be on the same page as him before we can truly be friends.

But type in 'Friendship after love' into Google and you will be depressed by the results. So not only do I have to come to terms with the fact that the greatest love of my life so far has ended, but I am also losing my best friend - Life is a f**king bitch sometimes.

I get dressed in what I feel comfortable in rather than what might impress him and head over for breakfast. I feel a bit guilty about the fact that I've not seen my housemate properly since Tuesday night, but at the moment being busy is my life.

As I eat he showers and we leave promptly, stopping at the supermarket for picnic bits and bobs. I feel more relaxed about us today. I'm just going to enjoy this experience. 

When we get out at Marble Arch it's bloody raining but it's short-lived. The queue to get in takes as little as 10 minutes and we've picked our spot and started out picnic in time for Simple Minds "Don't You". 

We feast on hot chicken, olives, salami and choritzo, plum tomatoes, and almonds. The sun graces us with its presence intermittently. It's a chilled out, happy day :) so far...

Jamie Cullum, Texas and a little music from some unknowns... He joins a queue for some tea and cupcakes and I'm still waiting on my jack jones an hour later. The artist we came to see comes on stages, performs and leaves before he returns. I feel bad for the fact that he didn't get to enjoy the performance because he was waiting in line for a tea I requested, and suddenly he's back.

We enjoy the cupcakes huddled under an umbrella because the sky has opened up and it's p**sing with rain. The wind has picked up and I'm freezing. My choice of outfit made sense in this morning's sun but now I wish I'd worn warmer clothes. He kindly offers himself up to me and I close in around him, warming myself with his body heat. It's time to go.

The journey back to the flat is quick but I've still not warmed up. He lets me borrow some jogging bottoms and we settle on the sofabed to watch a movie.

I feel content with how today has gone. After last night's awkwardness, today has been more natural. However, sitting here beside him I want to reach out and touch him, kiss him, and pull him on top of me so I can feel the familiarity of the weight of his body on me. I decide now is probably the best time to leave. In our goodbye I pick up of feelings of sorrow at my parting but I'm aware that this could be me wanting those feelings to be present.

I walk home battling many emotions. I call my friend to help me ride these emotions out. She's such a great influence/force in my life right now. She doesn't say things just because she thinks that they are what I want to hear, she weighs up all possibilities and she's honest with me. I end the call feeling calmer and clearer.

My housemate engages me in conversation about my weekend and we enjoy banter about how I'm dealing with everything. He thinks I'm doing well considering... I change the sheets on my bed. It's symbolic of a new start, a new week.

It's eleven thirty, time for bed. Over and out x

Seven days (Day 6)

I wake up, exhausted. There's light shining through my curtains but it sounds like its raining. I was planning on going out for a run. I don't want to go anywhere in this weather but I have a schedule to keep. 

So he did message me after all. I read it once my eyes have adjusted to the world again. Why am I so tired? 

Even though its raining, I'm trying to think of ways I could go without getting too wet, or more to the point, without getting my new trainers and iPhone wet. 

I tidy my room as I wait for my housemate to get out of the bathroom. Once he is, I'm in and out like a shot, gym gear on and old trainers for the walk. It's not that warm out and there's a breeze that chills you to the core. 

I manage 5 miles on a random programme but I walk the last fifteen minutes and feel like a bit of a failure. I walk home, looking forward to my shower. The house is empty so I put on the radio, letting it play whilst I'm washing my hair. I put on a load of washing and paint my toenails as I wait for it to finish. 

I'm not going to make it to Camden and back in time for my wax appointment so I take the time to epilate my legs, paint my finger nails and relax. I'm not meeting him till five pm now anyway. 

I wear my new paisley dress with my blue converse (the ones I won in Bidding Wars) throwing a denim jacket over my shoulders as it's breezy out. The wax is painful and I end up with a lot less than I expected - can anyone say Hollywood?! A misunderstanding which I pay for in more ways than one. 

I'm waiting around forever because he's pushed the meeting time back half an hour and it's now that I realise I haven't eaten anything. I grab a portion of chips and walk around Brick Lane for a bit. It's getting cold so I decide to head towards the flat anyway, I still know the code to get in the building an if I need to I'll wait in the hallway for him. But as I near the block of flats he texts me that he's home.

Here we go...

We're drinking beer as he eats and already I want him. I'm sitting in the front room watching TV whilst he's in the shower. Now I need a wee. My left foot is aching, probably from all the exercise and running I'm doing now that I never did before. Shock to the body, I guess. He kindly performs some MAT on my foot and ankle, which makes a massive difference in the tightness I am feeling. Now the right needs some work :)

Turns out he's got the wrong date and the gig's in a month's time. I'm thinking I should go home but I don't, I stay because I miss him and this is an opportunity to not be alone. BUT, to get through tonight I've got to stop thinking about him as my ex and see him as my friend; we're just going out for drinks. It's hard.

Even as we're walking down the street towards a bar, I'm aware of the distance between us. We stop at traffic lights, waiting for them to change and we're literally people apart. A stranger looks at me and then him and I feel as though he knows... this is not an awkward first date, it's an awkward break-up get together.

When we get to the entrance of the bar, we're actually pretty hungry again. There's plenty of places to chose from but we end up in The Diner. It's here I let my guard slip. He lets on that he's been too busy this week to think about things - I don't say this but my mind is screaming:

I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT THINGS

Here's where we differ. Here's where I should pick up my big girl panties and move on, never to look back, but here's where the wounds of my heart start to weep because he's getting on just fine without me.

Dinner ends on a bum note but we walk back to the bar anyway. He asks me if I actually want to go in as we're waiting in the queue outside, and I'm torn between running home to cry or taking my friend's advice: Go out and have a fabulous time. It might be your last. 

We go in, have a couple of nice drinks, check out the dancefloor, have a laugh about him thinking a song was called "Niggas in France" when it was called "Better than Prince" and he puts his arm around me... it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture, it's a friendly gesture.

Drinks run low, the music isn't great, the night has come to an end.

He walks me to the nearest bus stop and waits with me for the bus to arrive. We hug goodbye. I don't want to cry, I just don't want to go. He's not the bad guy, he's just had a change of heart, which can't be helped.

I get back to an empty house again, which is fine because all I'm going to do is curl up and go to sleep. It's eleven thirty-four pm and I wish I was climbing into bed next to someone who loves me... one day I hope.

Seven days (Day 5)

I didn't sleep well. Staying over at mums means me having to share a bed with her. She doesn't exactly snore but she's not a silent or still sleeper. 

I dress all in black because its going to rain today and I thought I'd mirror the bleak weather. But mum has a little Pomchi (Pomeranian/Chihuahua) and its hair gets everywhere! 

I grab a cup of tea, mum tells me to take a banana and an apple with me, and I head out to catch the bus. It's eight fifteen am. I feel exhausted. My eyes actually hurt I'm so tired. Today will be a long day.

My luck is looking up, I get the fast train (no stops between Harrow and Finchley Road) and I wangle a seat pretty much immediately. It's raining when I arrive at Farringdon but I've got my trusty umbrella. I work double quick so my new trainers don't get too wet. My bowl of cornflakes is calling to me. 

I'm a bit busy this morning. Lots of running around to make sure people are where they need to be. Not great when it's like a sauna in the office but I gotta do what I gotta do. It also means most of the morning has passed. 

The colleague I had lunch with the other day asked whether he has been in touch, seems her game playing has worked in her favour. I've just gone from being sad about the fact that I haven't heard from him to being positively motivated by my anger. Cold turkey it must be! 

He may have said that he can't control his feelings but I still have a right to be annoyed by his actions, so I'm going to use that to push me through this. Hmm, but they always say that nothing positive will come from being negative. 

I'm now searching for posts online about forgiveness and emotional well being. Honestly, all this being sad and confused is SO emotionally draining. So I'm reading this one: A Hug's Message to Tragedy: "Move On."

"To overcome hatred with forgiveness is to take control of your circumstances and perhaps put a spring back into your step, both mentally and physically."

What am I really trying to achieve? I know that if I stop all contact with him the only person I'm really hurting is myself. On a separate note, I just found a post on an early morning rave, right here in London. It's run by a group called Morning Glory. It starts a 6.30am - 10.30am. Unfortunately I've just missed one so will have to wait until the 25th but how awesomely cool would that be? 

I think I'm going to go for Salmon Teriyaki for lunch today. I've not had any fish since Monday. For now I'll make do with an apple and a glass of water. 

Back to work. Email here, email there. Send this document, print that document. Oh look, it's lunchtime. I change shoes. As it's still raining, I'll don my trainers for the walk to Wasabi and prey that lovely orange dress I saw on the market last week is no longer there to tempt me. 

So I was a good girl. I went to the supermarket for a meal deal which means two good things happened: 

1) I spent HALF the money

2) I avoided the "Market of my Financial DOOM" 

However, on my travels I came to a realisation - being single is far more expensive than being in a relationship. You have to go out more, therefore spending more money. I have more reason to save my money now than I did before *sigh* I had a roast chicken sandwich, an orange juice and a packet of hula hoops… I feel terrible now :( my tummy is not happy. 

It's two o'clock. Four hours to go. I am looking forward to bed time but before I even get there I've arranged a run with one of my besties (why?). 

Whoop, I've just confirmed some training that I've been working on for about a month! YES! 

I'm not sure why but I'm suddenly feeling more positive about things. I give in to the dark far too easily. Perhaps this is my new mission. I said this to, well someone this week, perhaps this big event is LIFE's way of telling me that I've become too complacent?! 

Honestly, since the moment he told me it was over, I've had to think about me, and only me. What do I like doing? What do I want to do more of? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be with… apart from him? In the last month or so, I've spent more time with my friends, more time with my family, made the most of my evenings and weekends, I've gotten into exercise - come on, we now that's big. Life has become more than rushing home to spend time with him. *lightbulb*

I have a meeting about sales training, which I know nothing about, but I know people need to have structure so that's what this meeting is about. Two members of the party don't show but I am adamant that we make headway on this so the meeting goes ahead. In all honesty, I think we've made a good effort. A staff meeting follows this and before I know it, I'm stuffing a banana into my mouth and setting my iPhone to play only feel good music to get me in the mood for this run. 

The journey over to Putney, where she lives, is painless and I make it in forty minutes. I quickly change and we're off. The sun is setting over the river as we make our way towards Hammersmith keeping a good pace. We run to the bridge and back, covering 6.99km (whoop) and we're feeling good. This is all in prep for that 12K I've talked about in a couple of previous posts. 

I don't stick around; I'm tired, though pumped, and I still have to travel across London to get home. I drop him a line to find out if we're still on for tomorrow - plans to go to a gig. He replies yes. I ask what time I should aim for.... That's where the conversation appears to end.

I walk into a quiet house, the housemate must already be in bed. I have a quick shower before I slip into something comfortable, namely my onesie, and settle down for a well deserved sleep. It's ten forty pm.

Seven days (Day 4)

Ugh, I wake up drunk.

I literally roll out of bed, as late as I can, and into the shower. The water feels like a hammer to my body but the heat is at least waking me up. It's foggy out but the weather man has promised sunshine later so I'm wearing a summer dress. I slip on a pair of my new trainers, grab my overnight bag and head out the door throwing a "Morning, Goodbye" towards my housemate.

It's not cold out but I keep my cardi on as I walk to work. The state I'm in, I need the fresh air. I take the same route as yesterday and it takes exactly 45 minutes. That's not a bad walk if I can manage it at least 5-6 times a week, there or back.

The first thing I do before even speaking to anyone in the office is top up my litre water bottle. I'm going to need it today. I haven't got a headache but I feel tired and a little sick. Breakfast this morning was an apple and a banana yazoo. Breakfast of champions.

I have a meeting at ten am. I take my water with me. It lasts longer than expected but that's okay because it means most of the morning has gone. It's half twelve when I start thinking about lunch. My head just isn't in the game today.

Oomph - I need food. I've just hit that low.

So I bought a dress on Sunday and although it looked nice, it wasn't really ME. I walk to Angel's Chapel Market at lunch to exchange it for a lovely pink paisley one in the same style. I didn't bring lunch in today because, well I had a liquid dinner last night, so I opt for a burrito - regret it as soon as I take the last bite because I just want to sleep now.

The afternoon passes at a snails pace and I'm dreading Boxercise later. My colleague is telling me that I shouldn't really do any exercise because I'm dehydrated. If I don't go, I'll have skipped exercise for 3 days running. For the old Amy that would have been acceptable but not this version.

Finish my 2 ltrs of water, but I think I should try another. Still got an hour and a half to go till I can get out of here. I'm playing about with a spreadsheet in an attempt to tidy up one of our many processes and it makes me frustrated that this simple task hasn't already been done. Ooh, my fingers ache - interesting. Could I get away with a bowl of cereal?

I treat myself to a walk and buy some Sweet 'n' Salt popcorn, a small bag of almonds and one of those Naked smoothies from Sainsbury's. Arctic Monkeys have a new tune out so that's on repeat a few times as I wait for the day to come to a close. Starting to feel that sleepiness again.

I get a phone call from St. Mungo's. I'm going over to see them in a couple of weeks about being a volunteer. I might as well put my new found free time to good use.

Forty minutes left.

Today has been a pretty shocking day in terms of dragging it's butt! I think that's partly down to the fact that I've not got much to do at the moment and also the affect of the alcohol. I manage one more glass of water before I leave.

The journey to my mum's is hot and sticky but at least I get a seat. I have to be quick about it. I almost give it away because the other person going for it gives me a pleading look; any other day... I ignore the lool and make myself comfortable, well that is until a pregnant lady gets on and there's no hesitation. The bloke that was sitting next to me looks sheepish and so he should.

I won't have time to eat dinner so I'm snacking on the almonds for energy. I'm close to calling time on the Boxercise idea though, I feel so rough.

I get in and decide I'm not going, but mum and I go for a forty-five minute walk before having dinner. I'm tired and not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's nine twenty pm.

I shower before bed and end up ridiculously hot. I lie awake for a little while and start thinking about him. I'm upset I've not heard from him and with each day that passes, it's becoming more and more real - this is never going to change. 

I cry. It's ten past eleven pm.

Seven days (Day 3)

I did not want to get up this morning. I slept really well. I only woke up once. I washed my hair this morning and I'm not pleased with how the back just seems to be SO darn frizzy nowadays. I'm looking forward to when I'll get the twists in and not have to worry about the knots for a while.

I walked into work again this morning. I experimented with the route but as it's such a gorgeous day I wasn't that bothered where I was going or how long it was taking me. What did bother me was the rubbing on my little toe :( my 'new' converse are a little too small for my right foot. With time they will get more comfortable but right now - ow ow ow.

I spend the morning listening to Beyonce. I play "Why don't you love me" a few times and not because I feel sad, it's actually a catchy tune. She's a sexy beast, that Be :)

Lunchtime is spent discussing man issues with a colleague and laughing at ourselves for flapping about when a wasp tries to settle on our food. The sun makes so many issues or problems you have disappear, or at least feel less impossible.

My new running shoes arrive and I feel happy that I've finally got a selection of comfy trainers to wear, either to walk to work in or tackle this running malarky. This will be the last treat I allow myself this month. I've spent too much already and it's only the 4th Sept!

I have a couple conversations about future training and set up a meeting about a new training structure. I chase a few people to do things I've asked them to do several times already and finish the last of my water - that's 2 ltrs done, plus two green teas.

I'm excited about meeting up with my girl pal later on for drinks, although I know she's going to ask a lot of questions about me and the ex-boyf.

A friend sends me an article on kindness and I feel chills. I find that I want to become a better person nowadays. I want to enjoy my life and the people who I share special moments with because those moments are far too fleeting. The article was by George Saunders.

My favourite part of it was:
Can we succeed?  Can we build a viable life for ourselves? Accomplishment is unreliable. “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard. Success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it, and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended. 
We're having a deep conversation about what this may mean to our own lives. I'm feeling very spiritual.

My afternoon is spent preparing for the couple of meetings I have booked in tomorrow, all the while I'm acutely aware that he hasn't been in touch at all since Monday afternoon. Beyonce is still playing on repeat, her sexy beats making me feel motivated to get in shape.

I race out the door at 6pm to get down to Old Street to collect the watch I ordered (yes, another purchase) and then saunter over to The Hoxton Grill. I grab a bottle of beer and settle in a nice little alcove. She arrives within minutes of me sitting down.

The evening proceeds with non-stop drinks, several bathroom breaks, a few nibbles and constant nattering. There are a few tears shed, from us both, but mainly gossiping and laughter. It's midnight by the time we stumble out the door towards the train station. We hug, I have orange lip gloss on my face when I jump on the bus home.

I walk in the door and straight up the stairs to bed. The housemate is still up and I mumble something about being drunk. Bed feels SO good.

Seven days (Day 2)

I'm dreaming. It's a nice dream, at least I think it is. I feel relaxed and… happy. However there's a pressure in my body which forces me awake.

I notice that the hall way light is still on, it means my housemate is still up. I get up and go to the toilet, purposefully not turning the light on so I don't wake up fully. Back in bed I can't get comfortable…

It's 5.45 when a screaming child rips me from my slumber WTF? See you your mini person! He shuts up about 15 minutes later and I slip back into slumber reasonably easy.

My alarm goes off as I hear my housemate go into the bathroom, I press snooze. I get up and have a wash, I showered late last night and I've not done anything to get remarkably dirty in the last 8 hours.

Again no breakfast but my bag is packed for the gym again and I've got my lunch. I'm catching the bus to work today. I plan to get off early and head to the supermarket. I'm picking up some cereal so I can have breakfast at work. I'm not prepared to wake up earlier to enjoy it at home.

The first half of my day passes unremarkably. I manage to secure a black Flapper dress on eBay for my sister but spend most of the morning emailing friends and uploading information to our online HR system. I have leftovers for lunch.

It's two pm and I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys. I plan to work through a NLP values exercise this afternoon, once I've had an 'informal' meeting about product training.

Oh god, what am I doing in life? Everyone around me appear to have a purpose for their day. My only purpose is to drink a minimum of 1.5 litres of water. I message friends to keep occupied and enjoy regular trips to the toilet - result of drinking so much water.

I read an article about why we fall out of love - interesting!
Our sub-conscious has a compelling drive to repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs. The way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide. It looks for someone who carries all the positive AND negative traits of our caretakers. Although we consciously look for only the positive traits our sub conscious selects the negative as well seeking to heal those traits.
But it's too deep to continue.

I get an email to tell me that my new watch has arrived at it's pick-up point. I'm excited, though I know I've spent far too much money since I got dumped - I like using that word, it makes me angry and anger is a hell of a lot more motivational than sadness. I've made my last luxury purchase for the rest of the month.

I want to eat because I'm bored but I have no snacks. I brought in an apple and plum from home, bought a yogurt and a banana on my way in, and the banana is for an hour before I workout. There are constantly snacks being offered in my office but I refuse to give in.

I stare at the NLP exercise questions. The first exercise is about values. You have to think about the last time you experienced an uncomfortable tug as if you were being pulled away from the path you feel is right for you. Then write down what was or is important to you about that experience. I'm not in the mood to do this. I've also given in and eaten my banana.

I leave five minutes early, like yesterday so I can catch the bus to the gym... 40 minutes later I'm still on the bus no where near my destination. Major traffic! I walk home, attempting to grab some extra veg for dinner this evening - Tesco on Kingsland Road is rubbish! No broccoli? What is the world coming to?!

Dinner is jerk chicken, spring greens, carrots and sweet potato mash. I have a chat on the phone with my nan, eat, sit up and watch The Switch, with my housemate talking over most of it, until my eyelids are fighting me to close. I bid the housemate goodnight and head for my room. I've not heard anything from him but I shouldn't really expect to, still it makes me feel sad. It's eleven o'clock and I'm asleep. 

Seven days (Day 1)

I'm having a lie in. Well, I say lie in but I have to get up at seven thirty am. My new housemate is in the shower.

I woke up about 3 times last night. I'm starting to get that 'dread' feeling in my tummy on Sunday nights but to be honest that could just be that I'm still feeling emotional from last week's events.

Showering always feels like a break from reality. I love standing beneath the shower. Water has never failed to soothe my troubles.

Breakfast equates to 2 dry pieces of toast. I can't handle it with butter at the moment, it makes me want to gag. I've decided to walk today. It's gorgeous out and if I'm going to be trapped indoors all day I might as well make the most of it now. My housemate thinks me crazy for liking to walk, but on days like today I could just keep going.

Work is work - nothing interesting happens, but I talk to him for 20 minutes about nothing in particular. It improves my mood and the rest of the afternoon passes quickly.

I leave 5 minutes early in order to actually get on a bus, I'm on my way to the gym. When I arrive I change quickly and head for the brightly lit workout area. There are no weight machines available so I'll have to reverse my planned workout and hit the treadmill first.

I'm sweating profusely, my towel is completely damp, and even though I've had to stop and walk twice, I'm determined to go the distance.

I manage 50 minutes and then do 5 sets of 10 on the Lat Pull-Down. Everything else is still busy so I call it a day and head home. Even though I've just ran/walked for 50 minutes, I still have a half hour walk home. I cut through the park (it's still light and densely populated) and make it home relaxed though aching.

Dinner is 2 trout fillets, chopped carrots, peppers and onion in a stir-fry style, with a cob of corn on the side. I flick through the channels on TV as I eat but I'm done in 15 minutes.

I'm hanging out the washing I put on when I got in as my housemate walks in the door. It's nine thirty in the evening. I'm shattered. We have a chat, I enjoy a hot shower and find myself falling asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel.

I get up to close the door, change into my PJs and wrap myself in my duvet, asleep within minutes. It's ten thirty pm.

Running into trouble

Me again :)

As I was checking Facebook during my lunch half hour, I came across an event that could prove to be vital for me - no no, not a singles night - you cheeky lot!

So I've said in a previous post Gonna Run Till I Don't Jiggle I'm currently 'training' for this 12k mucky challenge on 6th October. Got my gym kit with me today ready to hit the treadmill for an attempt at 7k this evening - eek!

Consistently awarded one of Timeout London’s best gyms, Integra brings you a new workshop all about injury prevention for runners.

I've mentioned Integra before in my post Are Your Muscles Healthy, they are the clever lot spearheading the Muscle Activation Technique (MAT) to focus on muscle inhibition and find which areas may not be operating properly.

If you're a runner, perhaps have an injury from running or you're a running enthusiast, click here to find out more and book - hell, if you just want to find out more about Integra and all the amazing things they have to offer click here.

Let's be more proactive about looking after ourselves, shall we?

Great expectations

On Friday night I went to meet a friend for a drink in Putney. It was a gorgeous evening and although I was feeling anxious about my first weekend alone, I enjoyed the sun setting and how beautiful my surroundings were. Do you ever get a high from nature? God, I love walking through parks, beside water or just being outside in the country!

Here's a pic I took of Putney Bridge.

Anyway, my friend had been in Putney with a male companion all afternoon, eating, drinking and enjoying deep conversations. I arrived to join them at a time when they were discussing 'presence' and the reason we do react to things in certain ways.

Chris is the founder of Take a Challenge. He is dedicated to helping others achieve their goals through his physical and emotional experience's of life's challenges, and trust me he's had some challenges. I digress, we discussed our understanding of our core being, our feelings/gut not emotions and how many of us lose that connection after the age of 8. Chris was basically saying that we as human's need to rekindle that connection in order to be true to ourselves and get to most out of living happy. Sounds similar to what was discussed in that webinar I wrote about 'awakening your inner coach', doesn't it?

"We should be like dogs" he said "You can leave a dog alone for a whole day, forget to feed them, tell them off or shout at them, and they will still love you. They are not expecting anything of their day, from you (other than to feed them), they just love."

I found what he was saying fascinating but I was plagued with the doubt that we could truly live like that. It was an idealistic view of life. He said we should live in the moment, be 100% present, not thinking or worrying about what has passed or what is to come, that we should live to give, with NO expectations.

No dinner and half a bottle of prosecco later, we were leaving and I felt enlightened, i.e. PISSED. I wittered on to my friend about this theory in relation to the ex-boyf. I've constantly said that since the day he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that my love for him was not finished, it hadn't reached the end. In my opinion he was calling it too soon.

After this conversation of giving without expectation I started to wonder whether I could continue to love him without any expectation. Could I be there to share private but not intimate moments with him, enjoy his company with NO expectation that he would miss what we had, miss me and want me back?

Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare

On Saturday I had to be back at the old flat to wait for a courier to collect some items I had arranged to sell. I saw him briefly in the morning before he went off to work and I was still there when he returned six hours later. I felt guilty that I was in his 'space' and wished that the courier had been already so that I wasn't left loitering around like some abandoned puppy. 

Turns out we had a lovely couple of hours. We chatted, a little about us but mostly about him, which he never did; we had tea, had a giggle and shared a nice peace-offering hug. When I left him that evening I felt like "Yes, yes I can love him with no expectation". However, a day later and I'm feeling down, missing him intensely and constantly checking my phone in case he's sent me a message, because if he's sent me a message it would mean he was thinking of me… there's never a message. 

*sigh* Maybe I'm just trying too hard to feel okay, after all I did get a tattoo to remind me to take things one step at a time... but I'm impatient, I'm emotionally exhausted and I want him back! 

(leaves post for an hour)

I just got a text from the ex-boyf about meeting up at the weekend for an event…