Bidding wars

I've never really tried to use eBay before. I have sold a couple of items on there but that's about it, never bought anything. In the last 2 months I've had to throw away a couple of my favourite pairs of shoes - my beloved converse (black & grey).

I decided, the cheapskate that I am, to buy a used pair because then not only would I be spending less money but I won't have to go through the 'breaking them in' pain.

Had a look on eBay, added a few items into my 'wish basket' and started bidding.
"Ooh 99p, yes please".
Within 30 minutes, these bad boys have crept up to £7 and there's still a whole day left on the offer.

I got into work this morning at 9am, I don't start until half past, and the first thing I did was log into my eBay account. I really want these hi-tops and the other bidders are really starting to annoy me.

I type in a pound more than what they've offered and I'm still out-bidded. How can this be? How fast are these people bidding? We still have over 6 hours left, why are they so desperate?!

I type in £2 more than the current bid and it's accepted. But hey, my bid amount isn't showing, yet eBay is telling me I'm now the highest bidder. I'm confused… Hang on a darn minute… what's this maximum bid thingy?

O M Jizzle, so this is how it works.

With 40 minutes left to bid, I'm the highest bidder at £26.50, still less than half the price for a new pair but I'll admit I'm not going over the half way mark for a used pair of trainers. They may be in 'good nick' but I'll be damned if I buy a used ANYTHING for close to the price of something new.

But it has to be said, I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. And the best reward at the end of all this, even if I don't 'win' the trainers, I've not felt sad all afternoon :)

End of bid result: I got them! £31.00, steal of a price :D

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When the love is over

Four weeks to the day that he broke my heart, I moved out of our shared flat. The actual move was easy, the hard part was the goodbye.

He was sat on the bed, Mac on his lap, as I walked in to tell him I was done with the last of my packing and making a move. I wanted him to get up and pull me into his arms, make me feel less alone in that moment but he remained on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his blue eyes searching my face.

I didn't want to linger, I'd made myself vulnerable to him too many times over the last month, I didn't have the strength for another rejection. As the seconds ticked by and it was obviously he wasn't going to move, I turned my head away and waved goodbye. I barely got out of the door when I broke down, and remained crying the 25 minute walk to my new 'home'.

I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in this new place long, part of me wants to move closer to my family so I'm not so alone. I'll need them when he finally leaves and I'll never see him again. I don't know why but just knowing he's knocking around somewhere out there in London makes me feel less discarded.

So we're going to try to be 'just friends', which I'll find hard at first.

I miss him being there, and that's what gets me the most; the loss of having that connection with someone, no longer sharing in-jokes, chilling on a sofa with a beer watching a movie. The physical stuff can be replaced by someone else when I'm strong enough but the friendship…

So here's to new beginnings, to taking each day as it comes - for now - and hopefully to new friendships.

Quick fix

So though most will be wishing away the remaining days of this short week, due to the bank holiday, I will be moping about in my new room in my new onesie.

I am absolutely dreading this move. Although I am happy with the property and its occupant, I just do not want to live there. No offence to my new roomie, I'd feel this way if I had to move anywhere. It's because I do not want to move on without him.

This is going to be a major shock to the system and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to face up to reality; the "sticking my head in the sand till it blows over" technique, is one I'd gladly adopt. 

EVERYONE is telling me it'll all be okay, it takes time, it'll get easier - well it doesn't feel that way right now and that's all I can wrap my broken self around at the moment. 

I try to think about the people who are worse off than me, how they still get up every day and 'plod on' because that's life, it keeps on moving, but I feel stuck; like my feet are cemented to the ground and no matter what I do I cannot move - in any direction! I just end up flapping my arms about like some loon, begging for assistance but I'm told over and over the same solution, something that will take ages to take effect. 

It's no good - I'm an Aries, impatient, I need a quick fix, give me a damn quick fix!

One step at a time...

Gonna run till I don't jiggle

Due to this break-up I'm trying to do more things, have more experiences, to aid the 'I'm getting over you' process. I've signed up to a mucky 12k challenge and am dragging my friend along with me for the company. Why? I have NO fricking idea especially as I suffered for a whole WEEK after the Zest 10k challenge in June, the difference will be that this time I plan to train.

Last night I decided that instead of going to the gym, where it's hot, sticky and smelly, I'd try my hand at outdoor running. The sun was out and it was a nice temperature, so I headed to the park and did a couple of laps.

By the time I finished the first lap I felt like my feet were on fire along with my lungs! I pushed myself to do another lap, hoping that I'd have run for at least the required 20 minutes. When I came to a standstill I pulled out my phone out to check my time - 15 minutes!! I should have started up again and attempted another lap but my poor chest was rattling and my legs were shaking. DEFEATED. I just checked how far I ran… a disappointing 2.6 km. *sigh* Well I guess that's 20% of the challenge covered.

I'm following a 6 week programme I found on t'internet, which I plan to follow religiously, and in the meantime pay attention to what I'm putting in my gob too. Why not make the most of this 'experience'?

So I'm warning you now readers, the next 6 weeks you may find I'll be ranting about how much pain I'm in and how hungry or bored of protein I might be. The rate of swear words used will definitely increase but come 7th October I'll have accomplished my challenge!

(Seriously, what the hell am I doing?)

I feel reasonably okay today, a little tired maybe but no aching muscles or chesty cough. Plan to head to the gym (this time) tomorrow and meet my 25 minute target. It says 'easy run' but after yesterday's performance it can be no less that moderate. BOOM, let's do this!

Find the ones worth suffering for

Okay so this post goes out to my friends and family, who have shown their true colours this past month. You guys rock - hardcore! 

Urban Dictionary: 
A conflictingly, unproven belief that all of life's problems/obstacles can all be conquered/averted by simply believing in friendship, or the belief in others close to a particular individual or group of friends.

Sad to say but when shit hits the fan, you can clearly identify who your friends for a 'season' are in all their glory. It can be a bloody painful realisation, and the pain feels 100 times worse if you're already going through something emotionally challenging. You've invested a great deal of time in a relationship and it suddenly buckles under-pressure.

I received an amazingly touching message over the weekend from someone I've never necessarily considered close (mainly as it's an ex connection). Her words cut through the bullshit and hit my core. It was everything I'd been feeling, fearing, questioning and suddenly there it was, summed up beautifully.

"I think one of the hardest parts about deciding what you want is admitting the possibility that it may involve leaving people behind - that your relationships won't stand up to the changes you're making to be more you. It's painful to look at this possibility, because at one point those relationships were vital, had a spark and a connection. The prospect of leaving them behind, and the prospect that someone might let me leave, is gut-wrenching because it makes me wonder if that connection was real, or if I imagined it in the first place."

Please don't get me wrong. Real friendship is not something I've just learned about, I know I have great friends and I feel undoubtedly blessed because of it. It makes me smile to know I have so many people who care for me that are not just blood relations. I just wanted to share the love with you.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” 

― Bob Marley

Awaken Your Inner Coach

I am responsible for organising and communicating all training, as well as ensuring that my company are supporting staff with meeting agreed goals to the best of their ability. It might be the maternal side of me but I like helping people feel supported and assisting them, in some manner, to achieve what they want to achieve.

Whilst completing my appraisal questionnaire the other day, I realised that a lot of my achievements were based on my feelings of 'support' and 'help' given to others, which got me thinking (again) about coaching.

For those who are not familiar, I refer to coaching as described by BusinessBalls:
"aims to draw out a person's potential rather than puts in aims and knowledge from outside. It develops rather than imposes. It reflects rather than directs. If effective, it is a form of change facilitation - it enables people, rather than trains them."

Instead of expecting work to front up cash for a course in coaching, especially when I have invested my own cash previously and not done anything with it, I signed up to a free webinar given by The Coaching Academy that ran yesterday at noon BST. They had Dawn Breslin as a guest speaker, and her offered tips to awakening your inner coach has inspired me to take a step back.

In my current emotional state - for those unaware please refer to an earlier post, Kicking a habit - it is very easy to make rash decisions, but what I need to do is take this opportunity to observe, reflect and review what it is I want out of my life.

She gave an example of a way to do this, by looking at pictures of ourselves before we were 12 years old and just remembering what we liked, what we wanted to do, how we approached new things, what characteristics we had, etc Reconnect with our core being, the essence of ourselves. Note down our Key Desired Feelings. What do I want to feel every day? And create goals from this. As she put it "Living from the heart is living from INSPIRATION"

Her main tip was to TRUST your intuition; acknowledge it, habituate it. Take baby steps, make a gentle shift.

Most people find it difficult to trust their their intuition for fear of... well, lots of things. If you do not want to just jump in, try tracking your 'truth' by writing it down. Dawn was very strong on observing and listening to your true feelings - eventually leading to your very own inner guiding system.

In time, the goal is that you will be able to draw out your own potential, develop, reflect and facilitate change for yourself. The trick is to just take it one step at a time.

D is for desperate (break-up mind dump)

I've not done one of these for a while, for which I'm grateful; but it becomes necessary when your mind is a whirlwind of questions, theories on what happened, and possible solutions.

This is what I'm working with:
1) He's not 100% sure he wants to have children with me
2) He feels I'm holding back on my career because I'm waiting for the marriage and the children
3) He's believes I deserve to be loved 100%
4) He has love FOR me… feels protective of me and cares about me
5) He feels SAD about everything

But I bet he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night paralysed with sadness about his dreams having been swept away, that a group of amazing people have just been removed from his life, that past happiness is now in doubt of ever being real, and the sad realisation that his ability as a partner has been under question for over a year…

I am deluding myself into believing that he's going through some 'stuff' that has absolutely nothing to do with me but he just feels that he needs to do this to sort it all out... it's so much easier to believe that over 'he's just not that into you'.

I feel empty. I bet he doesn't feel that either.

How can this be happening when it all seemed so perfect. We laughed, we talked, we planned, we shared, I loved…

The crazy thing is that if he took my hand this evening and told me that he's not sure he's doing the right thing and asked if we could work it out - I wouldn't hesitate. As far as I'm concerned there is something wrong in his head because this decision he's made, it's completely out of character. And then I question, how well do I really know him?

I thought I had found that grown up love. I thought we made each other happy.

I made him an offer last week. "Go! Go and experience that life you are craving on your own. Find that part of yourself you feel is missing, then come back to me because we are not finished." He acknowledged it but never agreed or disagreed to it.

In limbo I must float I guess because asking him anything else just makes me feel desperate, and though I feel it I don't want to show him. The person I am right now (the person he has made me) is not the person he fell in love with, if he ever loved me.

Sound advice!

Auditioning for a home

It's hard not to feel defeated when looking for a house/flat share after a break up, well at any time to be honest.

Trawling through adverts delivered as they match your search preferences, reading into the tone of the blurb (do they have a personality?) sending umpteen messages about yourself and trying to arrange viewings.

Then IF you get a response you are given a tour of the accommodation, mainly focused on the room you are hoping to rent, have a forced cheerful conversation in an attempt to impress followed by the WAIT. I've been to six viewings in the last two weeks; I've liked one, didn't get it and felt crushed.

I'm now looking for two rooms as a friend wants to move with me and I think I'll need her over the next few months. I've managed to secure a viewing today. Fingers crossed this one is perfect because I need to get out of my flat. Living with someone you love, but whom doesn't love you anymore is not healthy.

I thought, as we're still good friends, I could handle being there with him; and I can but I've suddenly noticed that he acts a bit differently now. That glint he always had in his eye when he looked at me as now disappeared. That. Just. Kills. Me.

Last night I cried for the first time in four days because I finally understood - this is it. I've been telling myself for two weeks that he still loves me, that he's going away to find himself but he'll be back in six months, a year, and we'll pick up where we left off because he loves me… but last night it finally clicked.

I obviously couldn't sleep so I spent a couple of hours, until my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer, checking spareroom and gumtree, typing witty messages in an effort to show a bit of my sparkling personality.

I'm auditioning; applying for a role as a suitable housemate. There are no call backs - you're either in or you're out.

It's cut-throat, it's competitive and it's all just very overwhelming for me right now.

Maintaining focus

When something like a break-up comes along to shake your world up a bit, it's almost like a snow globe effect. Your plans, living arrangements, aspirations go up in the air and settle in a different place. You do not have, or you have little, control of where they land.

I'm currently struggling with my concentration at work. I'm questioning if what I'm doing is what I want - along with a lot of things.

For some reason lots of people at work are asking to be linked with me on LinkedIn, so this morning I clicked on to the website to accept the invitations. I came across the following article: How To Stay Engaged When Your Job Sucks by Ilya Pozin, CEO of Open Me. Columnist for Inc, Forbes & LinkedIn. Serial Entrepreneur.

I'm hoping that it will help me in the meantime, and if it can assist any of you too whether you're going through a break-up or just generally unsure of where you are in your life or profession then I'm glad to have brought it to your attention.

Ctrl Refresh

I can honestly say that after this last week, I've felt like running away. Just packing my shit up and leaving.

I've felt alone and confused, and even though I've not cried for 24 hours I am under no illusion that the worst has yet to come. He still needs to leave and eventually he'll find someone else. These thoughts make me physically sick.

But I am making progress.

This time last week I was just waiting, waiting for him to clarify my fate. And for the last seven days I've had to think about money, new living arrangements and the fact that my planned future no longer exists.

Do you want to know what I've been thinking the most though? That I really wish my Zumba class was still going. I could do with just shaking my hips to Latin influenced music and sweating for an hour.

Suddenly having something like this shake you to your core, gets you thinking about what you like to do and want out of life.

I love Zumba. Even if I've had a bad day and I struggled to get myself to the class by the end of the hour I'm on top of the world, strutting home with a smile on my face. I hate going to the gym because it's boring and I've never felt confident that I'm doing things right.

So I'm thinking that I might retrain, part-time, as a personal trainer. I'd work my own hours and I'd have something to really work for - myself!

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up hand in my notice tomorrow to start a new career but as I'm in a time of ambiguity, I have a blank canvas to write/draw/paint/adorn. Who or what says I have to pick up the pieces and carry on as normal? Why not use this time, opportunity, to recreate myself?

At this time I'm just thinking. I'll give myself a little time to let the dust settle. I might find that once I can see clearly again, things may have rearranged themselves.

But three things are certain - he'll be gone, I'll be living somewhere new and my heart will be broken.

Kicking a habit

So I know I’ve been quiet for a few days but if I’m honest, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

Me and the boyf have called it quits.

Sounds so bizarre after I’ve been writing posts about how much I love him and idolise our relationship, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’ve found myself in a dark place this past week, my head shifting from complete understanding to a whirlwind of confusion.

I’ve tried to make him understand how and why I’m feeling the way I do but I just couldn’t quite articulate it correctly. I wanted to understand why it hurts so much, hoping that by knowing the emotional/physical reasons that I’d start to be able to come to terms with my new reality. As you do, you head to Google, and I found the following: Heal heartbreak

I think my favourite quotes from this article are “Separation annihilates all those lovely dreams - it wipes out all those fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.“ and "There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity."

That is exactly how I feel.

And get this explanation for the physical pain - you are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug.

In the midst of all this mind and heart paralysing state of affairs, I’m looking for a new place to live and a new purpose for life because, sad as it sounds, he was my passion.

I’ve got new friendships to make and new adventures to experience. Right now that seems SO daunting but time, they say, is a healer.