Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

A Year On: Where Would You Rather Be?

A year ago today... It's a bit of a effed up anniversary but it's a good one to remember. 

So much, yet so little has changed.

The moment has come where I can say I've given it my all.

I've tried to be strong, nonchalant, vulnerable, supportive and loving; but there comes a time when you just have to admit defeat, collect what's left of your dignity and march forwards in a different direction.

Today is that day.

My actions from this point are not meant to cause harm or upset but it's time to act my worth.

For him I've always been an option, and I've waited long enough for him to realise things that have been obvious to me all this time. 

Time to refocus my energy.

In ten months time I want to be moving out of London, after having secured a new job and place to live.

A year ago I had to start thinking about me. It's time I reminded myself of that.

"When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting"

ANON

A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!

A Year On: Youth

I remember when I could drink all night and manage a full day's work the next day. Now if I miss out on a couple of hours kip at night, I fall asleep on the bus home and miss my stop!

What happened to the the last decade of my life?

I went to a funeral on Friday. It was extremely emotional and if I'm honest, I felt like a bit of a fraud being there, crying. I haven't been in his life much the last few years and I just didn't feel I could justify my grief.

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I drove up with my little brother, whose actually not that little anymore as he's creeping into his mid-twenties, and we had a 5 hour trip there and back to catch-up.

He finished his degree about 2 years ago now and he's spent that time working in a pub. Forty-five minutes into our journey the big 'learn from my mistakes' sister made an appearance.

I guess I'm just concerned that he's wasting time not working in a field relevant to his degree ESPECIALLY when he wants a career in it. I wanted to communicate, from experience, that it sucks to get to 30 and still be nowhere closer to where you should be in life. I was just giving him a heads up.

And I'm fortunate to have such a diverse group of friends because one of them already works in the field so I've put them in touch on Facebook, hoping that he'll take action and get back on track.

He's not getting the pep talks from either of my parents, they take a more laissez-faire approach, so I thought I'd step in. Five years makes a hell of a difference if you use it wisely.

So bro, get on it while you still have the energy to do it. It all gets harder after 25 ;)

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

A Year On: Believe In Your-F**king-Self

Confidence.

It's so complex.

I was having a conversation the other week with a male friend of mine and at one point it got amusingly heated because though he said he felt he was winning in the end we just ran out of steam. I kept fighting back his argument. I wasn't wholly destroying it because I partly agreed with him, but what I was trying to say was:

Men and women will never be equal because we play from different rule books and speak a different language.

True, no?

Now when I said this to one of my closest female friends she almost slapped me, but hear me out...

I'm not claiming that women are the weaker sex; women lift weights, run ma-hou-sive organisations & countries - we are NOT weak, it's just that most of us merely approach things from a different perspective to men and THAT's what I'm getting at.

It's also driven by the perception of how a woman should act.

Most of the time if a woman says she doesn't want to have children, people bulk. If she has children but leaves them most of the day because of her passion for her work, she's seen as neglectful. If she acts in a way that appears detached, she's viewed as cold-hearted and called a bitch. Men, not so much. They'd be praised and more often than not, promoted.

The conversation all stemmed from a simple question:

Do you think you're confident? 

I can be, in situations. On the whole, I wouldn't say I was. As an Aries, confidence is supposed to be ingrained but I have deep insecurities I try to keep hidden, that I cannot explain. One characteristic I do have of a typical Arian is that I hate failure but the fear is so large I just don't try.

When I look in the mirror I'm aware of the things that can be improved, which is bizarre when others around you are saying otherwise.

How easy is it to REALLY change that behaviour and turn limiting beliefs into positive ones?

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off. 

A Year On: Down With The Clique?!

Housemate 1 is going away for a month. A while back she mentioned getting someone in to cover her rent and asked myself and Housemate 2 whether we'd be okay with it.

My initial reaction was a positive shrug. But then Housemate 3, the one that didn't get asked and who doesn't really hold Housemate 1 is high regard, pointed out that this person would be a stranger in our rented accommodation, with a key and no contractual responsibility.

Suddenly Housemate 2 and I felt sheepish and wanted to retract our agreement.

Fast forward a couple of months forward, two days before Housemate 1 is due to fly out, and she's got interest from a friend of a friend. She WhatsApp's a message about it to the group chat asking if we're available to meet her. I'm the only one around this evening and Housemate number 1 won't even be home to greet her.

Housemate 2 and 3 won't be around and express reservations. Housemate 1 suggest getting locks on doors and seems surprised at the reaction.

I feel bad because she's right, the consensus was to meet the person first and now that she's pointed it out, it would be highly unlikely that the person would be a friend we'd get to spend time with beforehand because wouldn't that mean they've got somewhere to stay in London already?

Part of me wonders if Housemate 2 and I just rushed in with our initial okay or if we've actually been swayed by Housemate 3.

A quick interview style meet'n'greet the day before she's supposed to move in just doesn't sit right with me but... are we being too harsh?

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere

A Year On: Time Is Precious

Someone I knew died today.

He was 21, working on his dad's farm over the summer trying to save up enough to go away to Australia. Now he's gone.

When I first met him, he was only 18 months old. My aunt was his nanny (live-in child minder). He's been part of our family, along with his brother and sister, for 19 years.

When my siblings and I would go up to Norfolk to visit my grandparents, all activities would be shared with them. To a certain extent we spent more time with them than we did our blood-cousins.

He would always be the last one at the table because he'd never eat his veggies :) he hated minced meat, threw temper tantrums if she'd ask him to eat anything else. The only things he wanted to eat were chips & chocolate. He soon grew out of it.

He struggled academically until high school when he came into his own and proceeded to excel in sport, especially rugby.

In the more recent years, now that we're all grown and don't hang out together anymore, I've enjoyed hearing tales of drunken mischief, fancy dress and professional achievements. He was terribly kind and extremely lovable.

A, I'm so sorry it was all cut short. I can't even begin to imagine how your family must be feeling, what you were feeling when you had your accident. I hope you knew you were loved. We're devastated by your departure. L, hopes you'll continue to steal pint glasses like she taught you up in heaven - I have no doubt that's where you'll be x

A Year On: Taking Control

Last night before bed I did some Ab work. I intended on getting up this morning to do them again but I chose to stay in bed and snooze.

When I'm looking at exposing my stomach to the world in less than 6 weeks, I really need to make defining them a priority but I guess I can't want it that bad if I opt to sleep over having a decent brekkie and a quick workout before my morning shower.

I had M&S cornflakes instead for breakfast, which by the way taste nothing like Kellogg's. In fact they are thicker and therefore chewier. I don't like them. I meant to pick up my smoothie from the fridge to have on the bus ride in but forgot it.

So now it's 11.12 am and I've already had my fruit snack. My stomach is crying for some food but I refuse to give in and have my crisps - I just cannot condone snacks like that before noon.

I plan to do some interval training tonight to get my sweat on and follow that up by some weights. Squats & lunges are on my mind…. as well as lunch. What's the canteen got on the menu today? Fish… might need to go to the salad bar and get some chicken or a damn burrito - I'm verging on HANGRY.

Four hours later

I stuffed my face.

Had a curried chicken stir-fry/paella-esque thing with roasted vegetables and roasted chicken. It was delicious.

Enjoyed a cup of tea, whittled my unread emails down by half and finally finished the report for my boss with a working table of contents, which I had to Google in order to get working.

I've also asked a boy out.

the decision came from a little bit of peer pressure but also, I just need to get out there. I spend most of my free time on the sofa, which isn't healthy.

I'm in my early 30's, I'm good looking, smart and funny. I'm wasted sitting at home, even if I'm there with the girls. It's time I put on my gladrags and stepped out into the world, I've got enough clothes for it after all #guilty #ebaying.

No response yet but at least I'm taking control.

And on that note, I really need to review my coaching action points....