A little bit of Prosecco

Goes a long way :) 

I got home last night and the flat was freezing. Mel was already in bed so I switched on my leccy blanket and slipped into something more comfortable... my onesie! 

I slept like a baby. Woke up at about 10am and have pretty much say on my butt all day watching movies. 

Row got in about 3pm and we spent 3 hours drinking Prosecco, eating Hula Hoops and watching RuPaul's Drag Race :) It was a fun way to spend the afternoon. 

I then went to the cinema to see The Best Man's Holiday with a dear friend. There wasn't much time for a catch up but I'm glad I made the effort to get out of my PJs and meet up with her. 

I realise that I need to not take people for granted. You just never know when they're not going to be in your life anymore. And not just people, things... like your health! 

I've had an insane toothache all Christmas. It's affected my sleep, I've felt run down and my mood; and first thing Monday I'm registering with a dentist and doctor. And I want to get fit... I want to get healthy, so I've called on a friend to sort out a PT session.

The next year is going to be hard work but I'm going to make sure the fun doesn't stop.

Metal and Dust

I'm not very good at letting go. I flirt with the idea of moving on every now and again but I've yet to give it my best shot. 

The thing is, I'm still 'in love' with what was. The future hasn't won me over just yet. 

I think I secretly like hurting myself, reliving the moments I cherished the most, the ones that give me the most pain... How f***ed up is that? 

Yesterday I cried because he didn't text me Merry Christmas... It's been five months! I should be stronger than that and yet I'm aware that a year ago today we moved into our flat. 

I got teary listening to London Grammar's version of Nightcall as I was travelling to meet a friend to do something FUN! 

I'm SO sick of this. 

If I've learnt anything it's that the more you love, the more it hurts when it ends - so just don't bother. 

Who says NO to love?

I'm craving the physical contact of being in a relationship. 

I want to feel the warmth and strength of a mans arms around me, the fullness of his lips against my skin and soft words whispered in my ear. 

I miss the feeling of being loved, even as I sleep. 

The comfort of a lazy arm across my waist as I wake, breath on the back of my neck and our bodies in mirrored positions, my back to your front.

Legs tangled casually on a sofa, hands held as you stroll down the road, foreheads touching as you fall asleep. 

These are the things that can ease a heavy heart, lighten a dark day. 

What happens at the Xmas party.... stays at the Xmas party

Monday morning!

First day back after the work's Xmas party and everyone is in high spirits trying recall, through the drunken haze and a weekend of recovery, whether anything juicy happened.

There was a lot of drinking, that's for sure, dad-dancing, a spot of apple knobbing, and not so secret snogging. The hog roast was finished before half the staff could eat so Domino's to the rescue!

Lost count of the number of glasses that were broken, someone was sick on the couch in reception and one of the waitresses tried to make off with 3 bottles of wine.

Everything gets hazy after about my 4th glass of wine, and that's after I'd had 3 glasses of prosecco on a practically empty stomach.

I just remember dancing like an absolute loon, walking half-way home crying because I was cold and probably far too drunk to be walking alone, snacking on a MASSIVE packet of wotsits, and then collapsing into bed - make-up still on, smudged down my cheek.

Saturday was not pretty - urgh, I'm too old for this nonsense.

Getting stuck in

It's that time of year when pretty much ALL motivation for fitness, bar making sure you can fit into that LBD, goes flat - as flat as you wished your stomach would be but isn't because… it's that time of year!

I feel horrible but it's as if I cannot stop. The intention is there, I want to be fitter, trimmer, stronger, but I just keep on giving into the laziness.

I've touched on this a few times over the last 3 months, it's a reoccurring theme for me but I'd really love to know:

How do you keep the motivation to exercise? 

It's never too late to make a start but I do feel it's pointless in December. However, I'm not going to let THAT let me off the hook so I WILL go to the gym this evening. I WILL run 5k, I WILL use the ab machine and then I'll go home, eat eggs, epilate my legs and go to bed early again.

I've ripped the following of off Fitwatch in the hope that:
a) I'll remember I wrote this and make use of the tips
b) You find this interesting and can make use of the tips

So here goes…

1) Find A Role Model  
Who has that “perfect” body that you would love to have?

Many women tape up pictures of someone they aspire to be like, as it's a great way to keep your goals fresh in your mind, and to remind you what you’re striving towards.

Make sure that you choose someone deserving of your admiration – not someone who has an impossible to achieve image.

2) Set Small Goals
If you have set the bar too high by setting goals that are too tough to reach, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Just set smaller, easy to achieve goals and work your way towards the bigger goals. Start with something simple like, “I will work out three times this week.”

3) Reward Yourself 
Setting goals is a great way to get yourself going in an exercise program, but if you have a hard time keeping yourself going, don’t be afraid to offer yourself rewards for any small achievements.

Just remember that if you’re working out to lose weight, don’t reward yourself with food!

4) Get A Buddy 
Having someone to work out with makes it much more fun, and will keep you more motivated to exercise. Having a buddy makes it much harder for you to skip your workout, because they will be there to hold you accountable.

If you can’t find a buddy to work out with, hire a personal trainer to give you that extra push.

5) Make It Fun 
Exercise doesn’t have to be boring or repetitive. If you don’t like your exercise routine, change it and make it more exciting.

If your exercise routine is fun, you will end up looking forward to exercise, instead of dreading it.

6) Mix It Up 
Anything you do over and over every day is going to get boring, no matter how motivated you are to succeed. Find several different exercises you enjoy, and alternate.

Whenever you find yourself getting bored with a workout, replace it with something else you enjoy, and go back to it again when you’re ready.

7) Don’t Take It Too Seriously
If you start treating exercise like hard work, that’s exactly what it will become. Don’t let yourself get a bad attitude towards exercising, or you will be more likely to give up.

Staying motivated isn’t hard if you approach your exercise program with an open mind. Be flexible and let yourself have fun.

I go to a GYMBOX gym franchise and it's full of people who already look like they workout every day, eat uber healthily (tofu, sushi and whatnot) and never drink. I'd love to get involved in a class but I'm worried that I'll look like a fool as I've never done it before. Everyone else look like professionals!

So… how does one get over ones self? To be continued…

Brand New Start, Same Old Nonsense

I've moved - YAY! The last weekend of November 2013 was a hectic weekend of lugging boxes and personal affects, cleaning and furniture window shopping. I am still truly exhausted.

There were no tears but I did feel melancholy. I mean this is my life for the next year at least, and if I'm honest - I still hoped, you know? So I've got a new routine to get used to, new people to learn about and a new future to carve…

The countdown to the end of 2013 has begun. I'm making a note of 12 things I want to achieve/experience in 2014, one for each month of the year. So instead of New Years Resolutions, which I'll break within two weeks, I'm treating myself to 12 awesome activities.

I'm planning to have fun and let loose in 2014 - start really enjoying my life.

Friday night I was supposed to go out for a drink... with a boy. I was fretting about this because deep down I know I'm not over him but, as my friends have been saying, I've got to start somewhere.

Anyway, I was kind of excited. I'd spoken to this fella a couple of times during the week and he seemed really NORMAL and nice, why shouldn't I be excited? We were going to meet after work for a drink in London Bridge, as it's half way between our respective homes, but he bailed on me last minute; something to do with work. He suggested we meet on Sunday instead, 'I'll make it up to you' he said.

Now, I had a busy day Saturday.

I walked into Camden (I can do that from my new place) with my housemate Mel, we wandered around the market for a bit before she had to head back and I had rush around to buy some running gear. I had arranged to meet my old housemate/landlord that afternoon for a catch-up and to return my keys, then I was due to head down to Brixton for drinks with a colleague and friend.

I got in really late, swaying and glad I'd made the effort. Laziness would have had me staying in alone instead of socialising with new fun and friendly people, but I won this battle. So yesterday morning was a struggle.

Row, one of my other housemates, and I went to a vintage fair, enjoyed tea and cake, and then did a spot of shopping in Hampstead. I'd exchanged a couple of messages with this matey-boy but there was no mention of meeting up. It was his suggestion and he didn't even bring it up.

I just can't be bothered with that nonsense. I'm not looking for anything serious so I'm not fussed by it, just can't stand people wasting my time. So I stayed in and cooked a chicken curry for me and Row to enjoy. We stuffed our faces (she also bought naan bread and poppadoms) whilst watching X-Factor, followed by I'm a Celebrity and then Jess came home with 2 boxes of 12 Krispy Kreme's - OMG.

I had two. No wonder I couldn't sleep last night - on a sugar HIGH.

Die HOPE, Die

This was the reason I shouldn't have given into seeing him. My mind goes off on it's on tangent and creates ridiculous fantasies of romantic reunions, hand holding and skipping off into the horizon towards Happily Ever After!

It's all BULLSH*T and it won't stop.

I've tried TVD (The Vampire Diaries) marathons, the gym, unpacking and repacking, Pinterest, hell I've even signed up to Tinder to try and focus on other men!

I can't sleep, my diet this week has gone to pot and I'm uber frustrated. Three months ago I'd be desperately holding on to these insane imaginations of getting back together but now I've accepted the truth they're just darn annoying.

How do you extinguish the flame?

It's sad to say but that LOVE has no place here anymore, so how do you turn it off?

What do I want?

So this weekend I spent Saturday wandering around Home-ware stores with my mum fantasising about how we would kit out our homes if:
1) I won the lottery and bought a cottage down by the sea
2) Mum kicked my brother and sister out and had the place to herself

I feel more motivated now to make that dream come true. I can actually visualise it, and we all know what happens when you visualise… :D

I'm still very wistful about my situation with him but I guess it's all part of letting go of those dreams you had of your future together. Just because he's no longer part of them, doesn't mean I can't still have what I dreamed of.

A lot of my friends are studying hard to better their present situations, putting in the work now preparing for the future and I feel like I've been neglecting that for a long time.

A lot of it comes from the reality of me just not knowing what I want out of life; and a situation one of my closest friends is going through has made me question how much importance I put on financial stability, career stability and overall 'SUCCESS' when all I want is to be happy, and in fact striving to achieve these things makes me unhappy… hmmmmmmm.

I found this interesting article on LinkedIn about being bored rather than busy, and this snippet made SO much sense:

"So many of us desperately want to feel alive—but instead, we’re left chasing our own tails, always hoping that this next thing will be the thing that saves us.

It’s sort of like what happens when you want something to eat, but you aren’t sure what. So you start by making yourself a sandwich, but soon realise that wasn’t it. So you go for some potato chips, but that wasn’t it. So you have a few spoonfuls of ice cream, but that wasn’t it. So you migrate to leftover spaghetti, but that doesn’t do the trick either. Now you’re onto a bag of marshmallows, but STILL NOT HITTING THE SPOT, and the more you eat, the more annoyed you get, because even though you’re stuffed you’re still craving that ONE THING and you don’t know what it is so you go ahead and HELP YOURSELF TO EVERY REFRIGERATOR!"

So what do I want?

Love, in the romantic sense :)
Always top of my list and presently an area I'm not doing well in AT ALL

A place in the country
I'm only going to be able to own if I win the money, have it bought for me or cease having a social life for the rest of my days in order to save the money myself

To go on a Salsa holiday for a couple of weeks
Cuba, South America

To work for myself
Doing what, I've no idea yet :) to be brainstormed in 'What do I want: part two'

Family
And by that I mean one of my own; children, a husband/better half, family dog… eventually

They say life is what you make it and I think a lot of people make it about money & success, but to whose definition of the words?!

For me, if I manage to GET that cottage/house by the sea I'll know that I have definitely succeeded in something - who wouldn't be happy watching the sunset across the sea from their own garden?

No time to excuse-ercise

I've gotten lazy.

I used to walk to and from work every day without fail through rain, sleet and proper snow. For the last 2 months I've taken a bus every day. It's been an added expense when really I could have flipping walked. Now I'm moving further away and I'll HAVE to get public transport, I'm kicking myself for not making the most of the opportunity.

I managed to get myself into a routine of hitting the treadmill and doing a little strength training 2-3 times a week AND eating healthier - as opposed to not eating at all, which was the case in September.

How is it possible to lose your fitness mojo when just yesterday it was SO strong?

So this is my vow: I WILL go to the GYM or a 20-30 minute run 3 times a week AND walk at least half of my journey into, and home from, work.

It's a start.

I don't want to fall back into the rut I found myself in earlier this year where I couldn't be arsed to do ANYTHING, except moan about how unfit and fat I thought I was. Jesus, no wonder he bloody dumped me :) - I know, poor humour.

My gym stuff is here (at work) with me today and I'm in two minds to hit the tread instead of staying behind for a couple of drinks with guys from the office and treat myself with 15 minutes in the sauna.

Then again I could do this tomorrow instead, if I'm not moving - and here we go again…

The challenge

Where do you start? 

It's uncharted territory

At least for you

You do not know the way forward

What awaits you in the fog of the unknown?

It's literally one foot in front of the other

Hands stretched out in front of you

Hoping you can pre-empt bumps in the road

Eyes adjusting to the new light

You stumble and you fall

Wishing you could turn back

You don't want to show weakness

But you don't want to fail

When will it all become clearer? 

When will you feel more comfortable along this path? 

This challenge that you have been presented

There is no choice

You have no rights

So you keep on stepping… 

(thoughts and feelings inspired by 3.16am - Jhene Aiko - listen don't watch)

Ghosts of relationships' past

My emotions were pushing hard against the barriers I've put in place to keep them contained and cracks were appearing. It was getting too much for me to carry, standing tall.

My fitness has been slipping, something I'd grabbed hold of over the last few months, something I could control. I have been losing myself to it all the last couple of weeks - the stress of looking for a 'home', a place I could start again, the loss of HIM and our friendship, our love, our connection, possible future.

And then HE texts me.

When the floodgates opened I was scared that I'd relapse. Taking deep breaths seemed to make me feel like I was shrinking, my surroundings growing bigger, closing in on me. The only thing to do was to embrace it but power through whatever I was doing, not stopping to let it take over me completely.

I slept uneasy, made restless by my thoughts - what do I want?

HIM - still *sigh*

But I made the right decision… for me

The sun was shining when I woke this morning so I decided to walk part of the way into work, the crisp air pinking up my cheeks. I could feel the part of my anxiety easing with every step I took, the act of being outside in the winter sun, moving forward.

Putting aside the feelings that had haunted me all night I'm ready to tackle a new day…

My phone beeps, it's one of the girls I'm hoping to move with - we got the flat we'd had our hearts set on.

Finally, I can begin to move on.

To ebb and flow

Mixed feelings, bubbling to the surface

Like trapped air underwater

Desperate for release

A way of expression, time to expose thoughts

Analyse and review, 

Trapped, scared and panicked

What's holding me back? 

Keeping my eyes closed and holding my breath

Unmarked paths stretch out ahead

The horizon, a blurry line

No destination

No time frame

Just a quiet drive to move on,
To move forward,

To hold tight,
To take a deep, deep breath

Final straw

I have reached my limit. I feel so utterly miserable about my living arrangements.

In hindsight I totally rushed into this decision but I felt it was right at the time.

Saturday morning was spent skulking about in my room and cleaning the bathroom (I hope to his high standards) until he left the house.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I've not left anything out of place; I even plump up the cushions on the sofa so it looks like I've not been in there.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

So I've made plans to stay with a friend until I can find something more permanent, which I hope is ASAP. I want to be in my new 'home' by Christmas. It's time to start my new life.

Sisters doing it for ourselves

So after my rant about everything being sh*t and my stupid housemate complaining about me leaving an empty loo roll in the bathroom, I decided to matters into my own hands.

I woke up on Monday morning and was like "right, f**k this sh*t, time to take control". I logged into Spareroom and fired up it's buddy up option. After reading through a few profiles of girls looking for something similar to me in the same kind of areas I was and with the same budget I drafted an email and sent it out with hope that they were as tired as I was of the whole room search.

Within a couple of hours I'd heard back from them all, excited and raring to go. Throughout the week we've been firing emails back and forth arranging a time to meet each other, arranging viewings and general banter.

Last night we went to see 2 flats and finished the night at a pub, chatting, joking and genuinely enjoying each others company. It was fantastic and I feel re-energised knowing that wherever we end up, it'll be a home because the effort we'll all put in making it so.

It's about time for some happier frickin' days :)  

What's stopping you?!

Am I waiting for things to get better instead of just making them happen?

Because:
I'm unsure of what I want
I'm scared
I still want what I once had

So many reasons, barriers, excuses and all of them feel valid at the time said.

But then I think, a year ago I really struggled to run for 5 minutes consistently. I wanted to be better so I tried a little bit harder every time. Now I can run, comfortably, for just over an hour and I'm aiming for a half marathon next year.

It's all about taking baby steps. That's why I'm not pushing myself to feel 100% normal, 100% of the time.

I need to figure out what is really bothering me, what areas of my life I can improve and how?

Tonight I'm off out to see some fireworks with a friend. It's not going to be a late one so I should get home in good time to take a look at this: 

It's a wheel of life. 

If I can chart where I feel I am in each area NOW to identify what areas I'd like to improve and then jog down some action points to make them better, with a deadline - because every goal needs a deadline, perhaps I will stop feeling so listless in this immense period of change?! 

Will report back :D 

Oh no you didn't - yes, yes I did *hangs head in shame*

It's been a drunken, emotional weekend; and I had my first EVER experience of a drunken text to the ex :/

I was swaying in the middle of an O'Neill's pub after enjoying a fun and fancy-free evening at my cousin's 18th; my state sponsored by Captain Morgan's and coke. I don't know why but I just suddenly started to miss him. I knew then and there that I needed to stop what I was drinking and head home, home for that evening being my mum's couch.

I jumped into a cab, mum in tow, stumbled out of my dress and heels and collapsed on the sofa. Even as I was writing the text, I could barely see it, I knew it was a BAD idea and yet I still ploughed through the pain of double vision and sent it.

Sleep swept me off into oblivion for a few hours but I woke up feeling physically sick at my weakness and of course, I've received no response - not that I expected one.

I got a text from a flat I really wanted to say, oh what a surprise, I didn't get it.

Then last night my housemate accused me of 'taking my eye off the ball' because I've forgotten to throw out the empty toilet roll once or twice and I don't stand around all night listening to him witter on about stuff I don't find interesting. I NEED to escape.

SO not happy right now :(

Happy People

I'm back with this topic again because right after I posted the last one I had a shitty experience, which brought my mood and energy levels right down so...

Can you make yourself happier? 

This week I met a girl who had recently broken up with her boyfriend – 6 weeks ago – and she was walking on air. She told me that she’d since been doing any and everything that she’d ever wanted to do but felt hadn’t had time to do before, like late night museum visits, 11am clubbing on a Sunday, dining out more nights in the week than she should.

I could kind of relate. Since becoming single I have found that I’m making an effort to be out more, I’m more open to new experiences and I’m definitely dining out more; but am I in the same boat?

I know I’m doing all of these things because I have more time, but nothing stopped me from doing all this stuff when I was in a relationship, I just chose to spend my time with my significant other. I used to look forward to getting home after work and seeing him, even if that time was spent playfully nagging him to turn his phone on silent because he never stopped getting BBMs, emails, phone calls, etc and the vibrate annoyed me, or catching up on Inside the Actor's Studio sprawled across the sofa and each other.

He never stopped me from going to the gym, he never frowned on me going out for impromptu after work drinks, or grabbing a burrito with a mate instead of coming home for a home cooked meal, I did.

Which made me question:

Are we our own barriers to happiness? 

I’ve read up on this subject a lot over the last 3 months, and it’s the same message: The person you can change the easiest is you.

If you’re unhappy about something, most of the time your ego holds onto it and won’t let go of the fact that you cannot change it. This brings more pain that has especially to do with trying to control others or external situations.

Meh – never happy reading that crap but ultimately they’re right. My ego is bruised from being ‘dumped’, that word used to make me feel angrily motivated but now it makes me cringe. I don’t seek revenge but I cannot let go.

Anyhoo, happy people are more adaptable; they adjust themselves to accept what is not possible. In my case, getting back together with my ex. I’m at the stage of our break-up where I’m asking myself whether it’s what I truly want, or if I just miss what we had.

When we were together I never questioned what it was about our relationship that made me happy, I just knew I was and I’m glad I lived that way. I think we make things far too complicated by analysing ‘why?’

Make a change, by smiling and laughing! 

Research shows that you will feel better for smiling and laughing, even when you don’t feel like it! Your brain registers the movements of the muscles in your face when you smile and then releases hormones and chemicals that make you feel good. Your improved emotions will make it easier to change how you are thinking.

Positive thoughts make you happy and by training your brain to think more positively than negatively, you’ll become… happier YAY.

I read that it can be as easy as you adding a “but” to turn your unhappy thought into happier thought.

For example:
“I’m so unfit but I am now exercising and I’m getting fitter every day!” – started out as a negative thought, but got twisted into a positive thought. The result? One step closer to happiness!

If all else fails, fake it till you make it.

Let’s go get happy!

Working towards HAPPINESS - blog post 100

Well here we are, blog post 100. It should be something special. It should be something people will remember. Ultimately, it should be about something other than HIM. So I'm marking this milestone with a topic/s that is close to my heart - Happiness.

Back in June I wrote a post about LOVE and how it makes me happy. Little did I know at that point that the sun was about to set on that chapter of my life. So for the last 3 months I've been doing a lot of questioning.

AGM...

What really makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What are your core values? 

Funnily enough, all this questioning fell at the same time that I was preparing for my work appraisal, which I'm having this week by the way - yes 3 months later - and I found it SO hard to answer. I trawled the Internet for examples of goals to help me form my own responses.

I've never known what it is that I wanted to do as a career.

I've had roles in Marketing, where I found my love for writing; as a Lettings Negotiator, where I realised my need to be honest and helpful to others in finding what they are looking for; Events / Programme Co-ordination in learning environments, which honed my fulfilment for helping other achieve their development goals and now I'm a Training Manager, where I aim to assist colleague reach their full potential in our working environment.

I never set my mind to follow this path, I've simply found myself in these positions. I seem to be naturally drawn towards supportive roles, which I see as requiring 'maternal' skills - not to say that these skills are not also displayed by men, just that they are usually more prominent in females.

Anyway, LOVE still makes me happy even though my present situation makes me sad - I LOVE a lot. In the meantime:

What do I enjoy doing and what really makes me happy? 

Spending time with friends, going to the movies, fancy dress with friends/colleagues, being introduced to new music, looking and feeling amazing, going to gigs and dancing like nobody's watching, laughing so hard I might fart but I definitely snort, shopping (even when I don't have the money), being able to run further and faster than the last time I tried, hula hooping, knowing I have fun times planned with great people, the sun shining, wearing joggers and a hoodie eating popcorn and drinking tea on a comfy sofa, walks in nature, the beach (UK or abroad) and finally, loving and being loved - never gonna stop x 

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins

Love and Hate

I've never questioned whether you can feel these two opposing emotions at the same time for one person; I guess I've never needed to.

It's strange. The battle can have the most bizarre effect on everything, from your health, energy levels, outlook, to the way you dress, how much make-up you apply or how you wear your hair, and the words you choose to use in conversation when talking about that person or the situation you find yourself in.

Today I'm low. I'm a lil' emotional, I'm incredibly tired and I'm just ready to give in. That lottery win is desperately needed to revive me. I'd buy a nice flat, so I don't have to deal with the ridiculous renting situ, and book myself and some friends on a holiday of a lifetime.

I must stress, I'm not relying on the lottery to solve my problems - it's just a pipe dream. In reality, I know it has a lot to do with not dwelling on it, being busy and time.

'It'll get better with time' is the phrase I hear the most, and I know that it will. It's only in moments like this that I feel like I've been terribly wronged and that all is hopeless.

I was venting to a friend earlier, got dramatic and said:

"I wish we'd never got together". 

She patiently responded:

"Well that's not good. Love is a good thing". 

Despondent me:

"Not when it ends!"

To which she replied:

"Nothing is when it ends. But at least you know true love, and now you know not to accept anything less." 

I didn't reply because all I could say is, I know how to give 'true love' not to receive it. He said he's not sure if he 'truly' ever loved me. But that's me being petty; it's also not 100% true - that's just my battered heart's understanding of what he said… it's also the one thing that keeps me awake at night and breaks my heart anew.

It'll fade, it'll all fade; and before my sense kicks in I'll probably be infatuated with another guy.

"All that's here is what you left behind (majesty), 

Slowly moving in the back of my mind (can't forget)

Take a moment to remember me (and our ways)

Make me blind so I don't ever look back"

Night Sky, Chvrches

I wish

I know it's not going to be immediate but I wish it would all stop. 

At first I wished I could make it better. 

Then I wished I could pretend it didn't happen.

I wanted it to not be real; moving out proved I was definitely not dreaming.

I thought we could be friends, but that only works when you're both over it. I'm not sure if I ever will be. 

For a week or two I wished I could meet someone else. 

I wish we could talk but I've got nothing to say, except those 3 words I forbid myself to utter. I won't let them escape. 

I write you texts and delete them. I write you emails and discard them. I dream of you often and think of you always. 

I wish you'd take it all back. It's just not fair.

 

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It's out. After a week, it's out. 

They said it would settle but you know when your body is telling you something, you just bloody listen. My head was telling me it was too heavy, too exposed, and f**king uncomfortable. I slept badly and in turn found myself being grumpy and eating sugary foods to keep my energy up.

When you've managed to lose 8lbs and been able to keep it off over 2 months, you don't want to fall back into bad habits. I look good and I feel good. Sacrificing that for cool hair… er, no! So it's back to my natural tresses, although I shall be wearing it semi-straight during the week.

Rolling stone

I'm still struggling with this room search. Spareroom is leaving me ready to breakdown.

It's almost as expensive to rent a room in my ideal location, as it would be to rent a studio or 1 bed flat somewhere a bit further out. I'm now in a position where I have to question whether comfort (standard of accom) and location are worth spending upwards of 65% of my monthly salary on rent & bills. Trying gumtree for a week.

I really don't want to be in this house when Christmas rolls around. I'm tired of my own company - is that weird? I mean I like the odd day to do nothing but relax with myself, reading of having a movie day but I still feel that odd anxious feeling when I've got an entire free weekend looming on the horizon and knowing that my Sunday spent on the sofa will benefit by having others around, just makes me feel more comfortable.

Best way to get over someone...

People are pushing me to get out there and date. Let me make this clear I.AM.NOT.READY. I'm not even thinking about that yet. Yeah the colder months would be nicer if I had someone to snuggle with BUT no, no, no. It'll happen when it happens, until then I'm fine just trying to settle into my new single status; there'll be no rushing in that department. Unless Ben Cohen (Strictly Come Dancing) leaves his wife and children ;) What a dancing hottie!

Train journey from hell

"Er, excuse me, you're sitting in my seat"

The woman I've spoken to looks up at me and then around at empty chairs surrounding us. 

"Can you not sit somewhere else? I'm all comfy now."

I'd be fucking comfy too if you got out of my fucking seat, but instead I did that English thing we do and not cause a scene.

Now I'm stuck with an older guy resting his musty smelling arse on my shoulder after he's thrust his groin in my face a few times whilst trying to put his bags on the rack above my head. 

And I'm not saying anything because I don't want to cause a scene!

It's been 20 minutes since he got on and invasion of my personal space started. If by the first station my situation hasn't improved I'm either going to snap and elbow him in the groin or I'll ask him 'politely' to move his wrinkly arse outta my face! 

One of those days

Already today most things are annoying me.

I'm too hot

My head itches (apparently it's where my scalp is exposed)

I can't sleep properly, because of all this hair, so I'm tired 

Every song that plays on my iTunes this morning is making me think of him

And, oh yeah I seem to have mislaid some of my salary this month *rolls eyes*

Luckily two things today make this all bearable:

1. I'm going to see my favourite auntie and my grandparents 
2. IT'S FRIDAY

I'm almost as excited about that last one as I would be if someone told me we'd be getting paid today!

I've also kind of found my outfit for my colleagues birthday party. I think I mentioned this before, it's a 90's themed fancy dress party and me, along with 4 others, are going as spice girls. Can you guess who I'm going to be?

Of course, Scary!

Now had this party been a month ago, I'd already have the perfect hair for it but as it happens I'm going to need to locate a wig for the occasion. I'm sorry, what? eBay, I hear you say? Uh huh - purchased for £5. Hmm, now I'm starting to see where my money is going and it's all stuff that I'll only wear on occasion... but at least I'll look bloody fantastic.

Happy Friday everybody!

Looking for a home - doing my head in

It's bloody stressful, and a little disheartening when you're not chosen.

I went to see two places on Tuesday night.

The first:
Ideal location, just off Upper Street, Islington. Reasonably priced and I should see why the moment I walked into the communal stairwell. The carpet was tatty, the stairs were worn and extremely narrow. To get the to flat in question you had to climb up 3 floors and when you got to the top, you were met with a lot of crap - stumps of a tree?! WTF?

Inside was small. I was promptly shown through to the front room and told that all furniture bar the two sofa's would be taken, as would the kitchen appliances and the double bed in one of the available rooms. The general appearance of the place screamed "worn down & worn the hell out". I wasn't initially impressed, but as I walked toward the train station in order to make my way to the next viewing I considered the pros

1. The location was perfect
2. The price was perfect
3. It could do with a deep clean which I would be up for
4. With all the personal items going I could get my stuff out of storage and make it my own… 

The flat was back in the running

The second:
It's not in the area I want to live, in fact it's more or less back where I used to live… with him. I turned off Commercial Street into the road googlemaps was telling me the flat was on. I came face to face with a group of youths (remember I'm over 30 now) smoking weeds, and it was seriously strong smelling weed, and hanging outside their flash car, which they can afford because they still live at home with their parents and pay no rent! - RANT over

I tapped in the door number at the main entrance and waited for them to let me in. I walked to the top of the stairs and found the flat was right by the main building stairs. My first reservation - noise.

As I was let in, I was greeted by a friendly male, met by another friendly male as we walked down the hall towards the living area. The tour was quick because everything was within a step away from each other. The room itself was pretty. It had everything you needed. I stayed for a chat and felt like they would be great flatmates.

Yesterday I woke up to a text to say that I wasn't chosen for the first place and I have to say, I wanted to cry. From the second I left it to the time I'd received that text, I'd built a life for myself there, surrounded by my belongings, feeling more like me again.

Then as I was about to turn off the light and go to sleep, I got a text from the second flat… They want to see me again on Saturday for a drink :) only issue is that I'm not in London this weekend WAAAAAAH!!

Search continues

It's those little things

I got my hair did - done :) and I think I look completely different.

It's taking some getting used to because there's a lot of it and it's much heavier but it's nice to feel different, even if it's superficial.

I sat at home last night reading some chick lit on my kindle and I had my iTunes playing a loud on random. Suddenly this song came on, I didn't even know I was paying any attention to it until I burst into tears - oh dear. And that was it. It took about 45 minutes to get a hold of myself again but for the rest of the evening my head swam with memories and I was overtaken with a new sense of loss.

It's been over a month since I last saw him - the longest time period in 2 years. I still think about him every day in some way or another but I must confess that it is getting easier… obviously when I'm not hijacked by traitorous repressed emotions. I hope that he misses me too but there is a good chance that he doesn't, and that's okay it really is because we're no longer a couple, we no longer have ties, and most importantly he's entitled to move on.

I'm currently busy looking for new rooms to rent, in fact I've got two viewings this evening, which is exciting. But I am in a bind, I'm not sure if I should tell my landlord that I'm looking or just surprise him with a month's notice once I've found a place.

I've also got three exciting weekends lined up. This week I'm off to the country to visit my grandparents where I'm also planning on attempting my first 7-10 mile run (eek), next weekend I'm going to the ARCTIC MONKEYS CONCERT, visiting the BRUTAL exhibition, have a dinner party invite for a friend's birthday and a brunch date, and the following weekend I'm dressing up for Halloween for work, going to two fancy dress parties - Great Gatsby themed for my cousin's 18th and 90's pop acts themed for my friend's 29th. And that's October done and dusted.

I'm grateful for my health, my friends and family and for the little things that make me smile every day.

If you're going through something similar, it's not hopeless but it helps to just get through each day as it comes x

The Greater The Love

Oh my goodness.

This house-sharing malarkey can be BRUTAL. I can see how I got so upset when I was looking before. Every rejection is like having toothpicks stabbed into your bruised heart - I'm over-exaggerating here a little.

In the last week I've sent off countless emails to people with a cosy double room and a LIVING ROOM, you'd be surprised how many properties no longer have a comfortable social area so the landlords can benefit from another rental income - mini rant.

I've been invited to 4 viewings... FOUR. I'm potentially seeing a place tonight and tomorrow but neither party have actually confirmed, which rattles my cage already.

I feel ready to move on now - come on universe, help me out a little please.

We've just sorted out all bills and stuff so there's no longer any need for us to be in touch, which saddens me a little. Two and a half years of learning about someone, being close to them, shared experiences, promises, future plans... it's a shame good things have to come to an end.

I've also just logged back onto Twitter as a way to further distract myself but it's SO easy to get carried away reading a lot of nonsense. I'm following a lot of 'interesting' facts, motivational quotes, fitness blurbs but for some reason today I've been drawn to the following:

Dagnamit

 Hmm

Wow, harsh but probably what I need to take notice of

Fact is, and this is what I fail to accept fully, it is over - there is NO going back. He wants the chance for us both to feel true love because what he was feeling was not enough. 

That's not an easy pill to swallow. In fact, it's so BIG a pill that I've had to karate chop it into a million pieces and each day I take a little piece and force it down. Eventually I'll get to the last piece and it won't be so bad, I won't feel so bad. 

Getting over someone is hard. 

No matter how many self-help quotes, books, articles you read or advice you take, the pain will cease in it's own sweet time. All you can do is distract yourself with lots of good stuff in the meantime. 

• Learn something new
• Treat yourself - to as much as you want because there is no guilt during this time. Get your hair done, get a massage or two, freshen up your wardrobe! NO GUILT. But if after you're over it you do start to feel guilty, meh, you can always sell your new stuff on eBay :) 
• DON'T drink too much or do an excessive amount of drugs, the comedown will make it worse - I learnt this the hard way during my first break-up
• Set yourself a goal - something fun or challenging, anything as long as you'll feel a sense of achievement from it
• When you're ready, get out there and start dating. Okay so you might not be ready to start something new but the getting ready for the date and going out with someone you're attracted to will boost your spirits. 

As you can tell from my blog posts over the last 2 months, I'm far from over him - in my eyes he's still the owner of my heart BUT I've stopped crying. 

We're in contact, very rarely and usually about practical things, and yeah it gets me down for a while but I just do something that I know will cheer me up and before I know it I'm back on the up'n'up. 

"The time between thoughts of them will grow longer,

And the urge to cry about what has happened will lessen.

The desire to get back out there will get stronger,

Regardless of when, it will never diminish what you felt for them." 

Amy Gentles-McKie

Mucky Races?! Yeah, I did!

I did it!

And it wasn't as bad as I thought, although it took me a while to get round the course.

I had SO much fun and it's inspired me to continue running, I'm now aiming for my first half marathon. I'm heading up to my grandparents next weekend for a relaxing weekend and will attempt a 10 mile run. I've realised that as long as I'm not focused on a time, I can go the distance comfortably :)

The obstacles were a joke!

When I saw the plan for the course and I read 'trenches', I didn't think they were serious, but low and behold… massive mud dunes and deep muddy ponds, wading through a freezing lake, followed by more trenches and a mud pit that you have to pull yourself through using a rope?!

My body is tired, I've come down with a cold, but I feel absolutely amazing for having completed it. I worked hard to prepare myself for it and I definitely felt the benefits.

A Random One

This post will be a bit of a mix about everything.

Firstly,  THIS weekend will see me trudging through muddy waters on a 12k trail of up-hill runs and obstacles with my very close friend, Mojo. I'm weirdly excited but more than a bit anxious. Look at this crap!

What was I thinking?! Mojo is bringing a waterproof camera so we're hoping that we can get a few snaps during the course - you know, something to show the grandkids.

I've not run properly in over a week but I did manage a 3k jog into work with my heavy rucksack on Wednesday morning. I was very disappointed in my performance given the distance but trust me, that bag was fricking heavy! Trust me to decide to wear biker boots and wash my hair on the one day I attempt the jog.

I went to karaoke on Wednesday - yes the same day I jogged in, washed my hair at work and broke my back carrying my life in a bag - with a group of girls from work and some of their friends. I'm always terrified that I'll make a fool of myself by singing out of tune and ruining a perfectly good song but it was SO evident that no-one really cares!

This has been a big trend in my life over the last few weeks. We push far too much importance of ourselves on others; worried about what everyone else thinks of us, when really they're all worried about the same thing - what we think of THEM. I hate to do this but #GetOverYourself

I put in an earlier post that I'll most likely decide to move house, well I plan to do so when my 3 month tenancy runs out. Everything happens for a reason and I think that I needed to move out when I did to start this recovery, otherwise if I'd waited till I found or figured out exactly what I wanted, I'd still be thinking/hoping he'd change his mind instead of feeling more like my normal self - I know I've had a few blips but overall I'm doing pretty darn good.

So I'm back on Spareroom and Gumtree looking for a new home. There's no pressure this time so I can find somewhere I actually see myself being long-term.

Final thought - my colleague and I have just decided that we're going as vampire Bananas in Pyjama's for our Halloween day at work! SO excited.

Signing off - Happy Friday Biatches :) x

Fallen off the wagon

I made myself a promise to try as hard as I could, to resist temptation...

But I have yet again let myself down.

And the thing is I really, really wanted to show myself that I was better off..

I guess I just cannot help myself.

So I'll start again tomorrow.

First with a week, then maybe two...  

Dear body, I'm so proud

Dear body,

I'm so sorry for this weekend. I've abused you :(
BUT we had fun though didn't we?
I thoroughly enjoyed the dancing we attempted, no achieved!
You were a badass and all eyes were on you, even if they were wide with horror at the shapes you were throwing around.
Totally awesome.
However, yesterday... I'm just sorry.
I know you felt awful but I tried to help by hydrating you with plenty of water, although I suppose the 10 biscuits dunked in coffee, the Haribo sweets, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and Chedder crackers didn't really help.
I'll do better.
Tonight we shall Salsa and we'll take a nice little break from alcohol this week.
I promise to visit the gym at least twice and feed you healthy, nutritional meals.
After all, we've got a big day coming up.

Don't freak out, we've got this.
We'll do our best and we'll have a laugh, and when we get to the finish line we can say
"I did that!"
It'll be our first achievement in this new chapter for us.
Can I just say, you've done me proud.
You've shown me a strength I never knew I had.
We've come a long way over the last couple of months, I know it's been hard on you too but you've never given up :) so I thank you.

We are on our way baby!

All my love,
me
x

Drifting

I'm staring up at blue skies, 

Body swaying 

In time with the water I'm floating on 

Weightless 

Clouds float past

Fluffy pockets of air

Making patterns above my head

Mindless

The current delivers me, finally, to land

I settle down, a firm bed made in warm sand

And here I'll remain, for a while, to mend 

So I'm staring up at blue skies, 

My body surrounded

The water lapping at my toes

Careless

Glutton for punishment

I tried my best. No one can say that I didn't try because I really DID. I have no shoulda, woulda, coulda's left. He's looking for the chance to find true love, something I apparently cannot offer. I can only offer REAL love and that's just not enough for him. But I understand that this isn't about me, it's about him and how he feels and that's nothing I can influence or control.

C'est la vie

So, I'm going to have to pack up all the memories, the good feelings I had for him, the in-jokes and intimate thoughts. They'll all go in an archive box to be stored in the shadowed regions of my heart for a while. When I'm strong enough, I may take it out every once and a while to remind myself about the good times but that won't be for a few months yet.

It's sad, I'm not going to lie, and it's hard. Who really wants to know that you're not enough for someone to love?! However, he answered my questions - in a vague, contradictory way - but his overall message was clear:

Move on and don't look back. 

I'm not down on myself though, not this time. I'm just sad, because I thought we had something really great.

Friends think that he'll regret it, but I don't. Even years down the line, if he's still looking, he won't regret this decision. And hopefully one day soon, I won't even care if he does or doesn't.

I'm literally speechless now. I'll never be able to convey just how perfect I felt we were, and I wasn't the only one who thought so, but there you go… you can never guarantee how things work out and if that's true about anything, it's LOVE.

Goodbye you - I hope that one day you fully understand just how much you gave up but that you can look back and it still warms your heart to know you were loved SO much x

Down the rabbit hole I go

Of course there would be more of me scraping my knees along the gravel before I would finally pick my a** up from the bottom of the pit and start to climb towards the light…

However, I'm not sure if I have actually hit rock bottom yet. Yes, I belittle myself by begging and crying in public - not both at the same time thank goodness, perhaps I still have a little more to go down the rabbit hole before this ends? But I'm still as befuddled towards the reasonings as the day my world was turned upside down.

My sister says it's something to be proud of, the fact that I am fighting for something I believe in. I am amazed - at my capacity to make myself so vulnerable and still keep going back for more. I DO believe in this - in love! It's not the fairytale ending Disney led us to believe growing up folks.

Ever wonder why the story ends when the girl and guy gets together? Because shit gets messy! Values are questioned, wants and needs are examined, then your boyfriend decides that you are not as important to him as possible life experiences… he's not actually said this I'm presuming reasons because I cannot get straight forward answers…

So what do I do? I send him another email asking him to change his mind. You may read this and think "God, that's so pathetic", it is and I woke up this morning feeling like I sold my soul but at least I went down'n'out fighting - HARDCORE.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back which is probably a good thing. The longer he can stay away from me and I not hear from him, the better all round. The hardest part is knowing that I've made myself about as vulnerable as can be - completely exposed - and I'm effectively being rejected BUT I shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix, just hopefully not as destructive as Dr Jean Grey.

I joked that I'm half tempted to just show up on his doorstep. Imagine it, he arrives home after a late session with a client, tired, and I'm sitting there, completely rain sodden, big doe eyes, ready to plead. Now in the movies this would work.

I'm not afraid to say I still love him. He was my family, my lover, my past and my future, he held my heart, soul, mind and body, he was my joker, my challenger, my best friend. And  I just cannot manage to make it through the day without thinking of him, how he's doing, if he's happy, if he has someone to talk to.

Everyday, even after a particularly hard one, I wake up with hope. I don't know why because I've only ever received negative results in this situation, but the positivity keeps bubbling to the surface briefly.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

How can LOVE escape your grasp without you ever letting go?

Guys, I'm so sorry that I've been so gloomy but a lot of what I've written over the last 1-2 months has all been stuff I've needed to voice. Like I said, I write whatever, whenever the mood takes me and the mood has been seriously 'dark and twisty' (to quote my favourite girls from Grey's Anatomy).

Anyway, I've had Fireside (mentioned in Are You Healing Through Music) on repeat the last couple of days.

The music almost sounds as though it's angry or annoyed at itself for the way it feels; it's vulnerability - the lyrics. I like this about it because it mirrors the phase I'm currently in. I feel frustrated with myself for still holding on, for unconsciously and consciously dwelling on the love I had but lost.

For the last week or so I've been trying to visualise the things I want in my future.

• I've always wanted to live in a cottage near or in view of the sea, backing onto fields or nature reserve. 
• I've always wanted an Audi. It was my favourite out of all the cars my dad had when we were growing up. 
• I love the beach and sunshine so I want to have the opportunity to travel to places like that.  
• Music and dancing will always play a huge part in my life - that goes unsaid. 
• I've always wanted a little dog. My grandparents had the most gorgeous Yorkshire Terrier. He was so loving and mild, never happy like they are renowned for. 
• Love also plays a big part in my future, as do children. 

And this is where I stopped.

I read an article last night before bed about "moving on" mainly because I feel like I'm rushing myself to get over him, either because I want to be his friend and have him back in my life or because I'm desperate to not feel this way anymore. One of the top tips for grieving after a breakup?

DON'T fight your feelings - Bollocks, I've been going about this all wrong. 

It does state that moving on is the end goal but that trying to suppress or ignore these feelings will only prolong the process.

As I posted in Kicking A Habit, I've felt as though I've lost out on a future. This article supported these feelings by explaining that when you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. You are grieving the loss of the future you once envisioned. Essentially, when I'm being completely honest with myself, what I'm finding hard is being encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace the old ones because… I do not want them replaced.

This brings me nicely to the title of this blog: How can love escape your grasp without you ever letting go? It's a lyric from a MusicSoulchild song called Mary Go Round. It details his shock at the disappearance of his loved one when his love for her is still burning strong - DING DONG - ring any bells?!

Each day has been getting easier, not by much but I don't cry every day anymore.

I'm not quite settled in my 'new' life and though everything you read about how to deal or cope with this time in your life tells you not to make major decisions,  like starting a new job or moving to a new city, in the first few months after a separation - I may need to move home, somewhere I can feel ME.

So watch this space… change is the only constant. It is never easy. You fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.

Don't forget to be AWESOME

A quiet period? That's what he's told people, that we're having a quiet period…

I'm not sure that I like that description. I feel like it belittles what is actually happening - that I'm having to force myself into a new mindset, one that doesn't include him and to do that I need some freaking space.

What a prick. Quiet period indeed!

Honestly the more this goes on, even when he's not doing anything particularly different to before, I feel like bitterness is taking over me. It's like that black stuff in Spiderman 3.

And then, when I feel comfortable with the fact that I'm not in touch with him, he pops up on my phone to see 'how my week's been'; projecting himself back in my life, WTF?!

And suddenly those bad feelings are right back at my door. Transference is a bitch. Transference: “the redirection of feelings and desires toward a new object.”

There's a really funny scene in Two Can Play That Game that explains what I'm talking about but I couldn't find a clip :( It is FUNNY though.

Non-stop banter with the colleagues, lots of laughter at their hangovers and a pizza for lunch has left me in a much better mood for the beginning of the weekend. So happy it's Friday. Now I'm off to share some quality time with some loved ones.

Final thought of the week: Heartache is a B***H