Are You Confident?

Confidence is an essential component to create a healthy relationship with yourself and in turn that inspires and motivates others to do the same.

Confident people:

• Focus on their positive characteristics.
• Tell themselves they are perfectly imperfect.
• Cherish and honour their principles.
• Respect their own needs and wants.
• Advertise their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Be kind to yourself

Become aware that if you are unkind to yourself, you will subconsciously attract others to be unkind to you. Let go of the compulsive need for approval.

Confident people know self-belief is the main pillar of success. They have indestructible self-belief; they let go of self-defeating beliefs about what might happen in the future and know they have to change their perceptions to change their lives.

It’s all well and good me writing this but the RESULTS are in the practice. I own about 3-4 books that say the same or similar things, it’s one of the main learnings of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

I’m a great reader. I have underlined these books to the max! I agree and believe in each point.

However, I’m not so great when it comes to ACTION.

Action seems like a dirty word to me. I know I have to do something but I just never seem to 'get round to it'.

Now you could say that it can’t be that important to me, it is I promise you, but I give into the limiting beliefs that tell me I’m not good enough or I can’t do it.

I couldn’t tell you where these feelings stem from, maybe it was feedback I received whilst growing up - my school teachers, my parents, friends, boyfriends, who knows - but they exist.

The catch 22? If I practice, I could reduce the strength of these limiting beliefs… sods law.

Am I confident?

I can be, but naturally no. It takes a strong worded pep talk for me to don the confident armour and that's usuallu accompanied by a couple of glasses of wine.

New Years Resolution #1 - work on confidence. It could be the key to getting to where I should be!

Change In Perspective

Christmas is often a time for reflection on the year just passed. People start thinking about what went well, what didn't and what they want to achieve in the next year.

Last year was a lousy time for me. But this year I feel... different; more positive.

To quote my favourite song at the moment:

"I'm focused on my future, I've settled on the past"

A lot of sh*t went down in 2014. There were high times and some serious lows, but I'm still standing - taller than ever.

I am perfectly imperfect and everything that I do from hereon in will be focused on perfecting those perfect imperfections because that's what makes me ME.

Merry Christmas!

How Do You Choose

When I get on the bus to travel to work there are always seats, my stop is 3 from the terminal. The closer we get to Camden, the more people get on and it always intrigues me how people choose who they sit next to.

Personally if there's an empty row, I'll choose that over sitting next to someone, unless I'm getting off soon. If there isn't then I go for the seat nearest the stairs (I always sit on the upper deck).

I guess I question this decision process because I wonder if people go for who they deem approachable, in which case I don't match because I'm mostly left last. Sad, I know.

I've actually got someone sitting next to me as I type, she's just got on, but if I take a look around there are only 3 seats left... at the back.

Note to self: smile more whilst travelling

Open Your Ears

Spotify has often been my saviour.

When a mood hits me, music has often been the one thing that can determine whether it’s a good or bad day.

Coming back to work after a nasty stint of the flu, having to force yourself to concentrate on a brightly lit screen for 8 hours of your day, enclosed by white brick and glass, I turned to Spotify for entertainment and, I’m happy to say, I was not disappointed.

I’m a big fan of Ben Howard. I love his heartfelt words and recent dark, gripping guitar rifts. So I put my trust in Spotify’s Discover and ’opened my ears’ to Nick Mulvey. I was half way through his 2014 album ‘First Mind’ and I was already recommending him to friends I thought would appreciate him.

His song ‘April’ reminds me of my favourite Howard song on the latest album, ‘In Dreams’, because of it’s haunting effect. I’m a sucker for music that makes me feel, and I really like this album.

It’s also the kind of thing I think my ex would like, so if by chance he reads this - Get on it! I think you’ll particularly like Juramidam.  

"Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours". 

Elton John  

Check Me Out

I'm trying to be playful with my style - NOT by buying more clothes for a change.

I've noticed that I frequently get compliments at work about my clothing and hair styles, so I'm trying to make the most of 'what I got', my hair especially.

I'm blessed to have soft, ringlet curls, which I can blow out should I feel the urge. As much as I find straight hair easier to style, I try not to do it often as it dries my ends and means that I need more cut off when it's time for a trim.

However, 2nd day curly hair is NOT fun! You can't wear it out because it's flat and matted where you've slept on it, and putting it in a ponytail makes me look about 12. This is where Pinterest has become a lifesaver. I found some cool pins, which show step-by-step guides on cool and stylish up-dos.

They come from a blog on Loxa Beauty, but the author who has changed my life is Samantha Harris. I'm being more adventurous and completely open to being more versatile with my hair.

The gorgeous Samantha Harris  |  My 'smaller scale' attempt

Although my hair isn't the same length or texture as Samantha's, I just make slight amendments to suit my own hair type, and so far I'm happy with the outcomes.

If you have the same problems as I do with being creative with your hair, check out this lovely lady's blog posts here.


Keep 'em coming Samantha, keep 'em coming!

Finding That Secret Formula

And let me tell you, it's not Twiglets! (I've been eating a lot of these of late)

What with the theme of my last few posts being about me feeling down and whatnot, I've been trying to climb out of this funk and evoke some Christmas cheer.

I work on the Commercial floor at my company. The average age on this floor is probably about 25 and they have been playing Christmas songs since mid-November. I've always LOVED Christmas but this year I seem to be the resident Grinch... the songs have not helped! I've been included in their floor Secret Santa and invited to their floor party.

I have resisted the 'far-too-early' singalongs, boozy Friday night gatherings at the company bar and the Christmas jumper outings BUT they have now introduced a desk decoration competition and THAT is something I find fun!

Some have gone for a 80's retro look, i.e. brightly coloured foil lanterns and banners, some have embraced a film theme 'Narnia' with an actual Fur Coat rail and tables littered with fake snow, we've got a real tree, Santa's workshop with elves (colleagues wearing elves hats and ears)... I've gone for a minimalist but stylist look.

My office has glass walls and door so I've cut out snowflakes and icicles and decorated some of the glass. I've not finished yet. Still got a few more snowflakes to make, and I want to create a small family of polar bears (got some spare A3 paper) - anything I can do for free.

I'm not giving in and buying tinsel or anything because it's all going to be thrown away in a couple of weeks... though I've just heard there's a celebrity judge, but I love a bit of arts and crafts :)

Anyway by joining in a bit I'm feeling happier. Even though it only lasts a short while, I'm no longer all "BAH HUMBUG".

Dealing with Depression

Often I forget that I’m prone to really bad days until I’m in one. Then they loom over you like a dark cloud, threatening to drown you.

I frequently speak of feeling lost in my posts and really, that’s the only way I can describe it.

It’s like I suddenly forget where I was going, or what I am meant to be doing with myself. I feel very heavy in my body, tired, emotional and withdrawn from my own life. The temptation to just escape becomes quite prominent, and nothing else matters. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cease existing I just want to press pause on the world for a little while.

Christmas is in 23 days, but besides looking forward to the morning lie-ins and sitting around in my jogging bottoms all day, I’m not that bothered. I just don’t want to be here!

The thing about depression is that you just don’t know why you feel the way you do, you can’t explain in detail to those who love you exactly what you’re feeling and you definitely have no idea what would make you feel ‘better’. You’re just in a black hole.

I feel like this now, although I don’t think I’m quite at the bottom of this hole perhaps just slipping down the side, struggling to find something to hold on to.

I need some help, and I’ll get it because I know that I shouldn’t suffer in silence. I’m not alone feeling like this, others feel it too, although when you’re in the dark you do feel like you’re the only one there.

If I could offer advice to anyone who relates to this:

• TALK to someone. You don’t have to use the term depressed, just have a conversation with someone you trust about where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel.
• Don’t ignore it. We are amazingly robust creatures but sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and acknowledging that you sometimes can handle them on your own doesn’t make you weak.
• Take time out. Spend time with people who make you happy but also do something for yourself and if that’s a day in bed watching Disney movies NOT wallowing, fully enjoying the moment, then that’s a step closer to the surface. 

Where To Begin

Clouds shift at speed
Forming swirls of contrasting greys in the sky above
The wind whips around my body
Forcing me to grip my clothes hard against me

I find myself drifting
A weird kind of limbo, just before I fall asleep
As I twist and turn, I slip through to this place
Where a storm is rising

A large black tree stretches up towards the heavens
The only sign of life
That’s when I see you
Emerging from the bleakness

You're more real than a dream
And in the unsettled surroundings
We are like roots of that steady tree
Standing strong against the battling weather

Whistles of the wind between us
Drown out the words I send in your direction
We are miles apart
Yet I feel every thing you say

Light creeps in through the curtains
One blink, and you’re gone. 

In The Meantime

I'm a bit of a self help junkie. Well, no that’s not really right, I’m a self improvement junkie.

I don't adopt everything articles/books/podcasts/videos suggest in the hope that they will magically change my life, but I'm quite a reflective person and when things aren't going so well in my life I like to conduct a little audit.

Years ago, a friend suggested I read Iyanla Vanzant's "In The Meantime". It's a book about love; about learning to love yourself in order to receive unconditional love from others (friends, family, partner, etc).

At the time I was in my late teen’s/early twenties, I had no idea who I was let alone how to love myself unconditionally, but some things must have resonated with me because when I open the book now the pages are peppered with passages underlined.

I’ve had so many conversations with friends, male and female, over the last few weeks about working through personal issues, valuing our personal worth and basically thinking and doing things that mean great important to us.

So I wanted to share a few of these messages with you because they have given me a little more fire in belly and every one needs a little more fire mid-week - enjoy!

“People cannot fulfil your needs.”

“We must bring a strong sense of self, purpose and a sense of value into a relationship.”

“Time is of absolutely no consequence when you are doing healing work directed toward inner growth. We make time an urgent matter by using age or status as a measure of accomplishment.”

“There is no prescribed period or length of time you can spend in the meantime. You will stay in the meantime for as long as it takes to get your inner workings in order. You will also be there for as long as it takes, not only you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready.”

“Do not convince yourself that you cannot do what you need to do or that doing it will not produce the results you desire.”

“Those bad experiences were the only way love could get your attention. They were also the routes you chose.”

“Your experiences are the result of what you have been thinking, saying and doing.”

“As you shift out of your old patterns, some people and things are going to fall away. The things that once made you happy can no longer make you happy.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or anyone else! Every experience, every relationship, every heartbreaking or dishonourable event in your past was a necessary element of your growth.”

Having A Plan - Being Awesome

I've spent too much time letting life dictate to me how things are going to play out. 

So listen here life, I'm not having you walk all over me like you do. You might scare me with your lack of relevant opportunities where I want to move to and your lack of cooperation on the romance front but I'm not going to let you get me down. 

I'm making a plan of attack. I'm spending some me time getting my ducks in a row because next year I'm going to kick ass! 

I've done an alright job this year despite the challenges you threw my way so I'm going to do a little celebratory dance as a pat on the back. Well done me.

The pain you made me feel allows me to take pleasure and appreciate the small wins. The uncertainty and longing for what was, makes me value what I have so much more. I'm clearer on what I'm worth and what I deserve. 

You might think that it was all down to you that I am like this now, and to a certain extent that's true but you weren't the one who forced themselves out of bed each day when all you wanted was to disappear, you weren't the one who put in the hours of research and reading to further improve your skills and knowledge, you weren't the one who had the strength to ignore your heart and listen to your head. 

So this is how it's going to work, you're going to do your thing and I'm going to do mine. You'll test me and I'll overcome them because ... 

I AM AWESOME! 

Tick Tock

It's been highlighted to me more than once in the last 6 months that I'm expect a lot from myself and I guess I do put a bit of pressure on myself to be better, looker sexier or be funnier or smarter now I'm single. 

But then I think, well hang on a minute, you should be a bit hard on yourself because you've got a lot to prove. It's that old comparison of where I am versus where I think I should be rearing it's ugly head again.

I live in shared accommodation, I barely have any savings, my relationship status is currently sitting between nun and no hope, and yes I may adore my housemates and have wonderful friends but London makes me feel isolated, stressed, claustrophobic and like I'm under performing.

It took me over 2 hours to visit a friend on the other side of the city. I could almost make it to my grandparents house in Norfolk in that same time frame. 

I've been talking about it for a couple of years now, and when he and I split I wasn't sure if by making the move I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. But now that I've recovered from everything and my heart is healing finally, it feels like the right decision... for me. 

I woke up yesterday to a WhatsApp message from a fellow Arian:

"You are definitely not a follower, Aries. Then again, while you are certainly capable of being a leader, you often choose to go off in your own direction. Right now the stars are encouraging you to blaze a trail to something exciting and new. There is a path you have been longing to take, and the time is right for taking it. Even if it happens rather offbeat, and even if those in your inner circle don't approve of it, you must do what you must do. Your bold ventures will result in success."

What more do I need to say? 

When All Is Said

Being honest with yourself can sometimes feel like an epiphany. A sense of euphoria washes over you and it's almost like a weight has been lifted... 

But realisation is the easy part, even if you felt the journey to it was tough, after the honesty comes the real work.

I'm not patient, I think we've all established that through other posts; I like to think it's because I'm an Aries rather than a general character flaw (denial is a girls best friend). 

In the last month I've made a few major decisions, taken some substantial actions, in my life:
To be or not to be a single mummy
Called time on the twisted ill-fated friendship I had with my ex
Called my mum out for being lazy with our relationship  

The result?

Feeling the most unwanted and most lost I've ever experienced in my life. 

I've literally been dreaming of packing up my shit and leaving everything, everyone behind in an effort to just start from scratch. I wouldn't do anything as 'drastic' as changing my name but I'd just kind of wipe the slate clean and start my life again. No pregnancy, no ex drama, no work expectations, no shitty family relations.  

Just me in a new place with everything to live for.

My dad said I need to find what makes me happy and just concentrate on that, but what if what makes you happy is a person or a job or a place? Apparently that's just stuff that shouldn't have an impact on your true happiness.


So what is happiness?





This, I fear, will be the real work after the epiphany.... FML

Mars Versus Venus

I have been struggling since my return from holiday.

I've felt quite lost and unsettled. It's affected my sleep pattern, my appetite, my productivity at work, the effort I put in with my friends...To top it off, last Saturday my ex got in contact with me again after 3 months silence.

I think with everything that's happened, all the emotions I've been feeling with the pregnancy and my family, I just kind of clung to the possibilities of it's meaning.

Honestly, after the initial annoyance of hearing from him again I was fantasising about us getting back together. I don't know why I do it to myself. 

Of course that's not how it all worked out, come on, I don't get happy endings! (Can you tell I'm feeling a little bitter as I write this post?)

I'm not angry at him anymore. I was for a little while after he left the country and went quiet but in hindsight I'm actually angry at myself for failing to read in between the lines, for failing to take what was said at face value.

They say that women should take men for the simple creatures that they are, that what men say is what they mean, and yet when he said:
'I care deeply for you and find what we have easy and natural'
I heard:
'Why am I questioning us? This is obviously the right relationship for me I'm just a bit scared to admit that right now'.

Oh yeah I'm putting it all out there in this post because hopefully it will teach me to stop being such a frigging idiot!

I'm very clear now that we're done. I'm hoping, with this realisation after 15 months of our relationship ending, that the stupid thoughts and fantasies that have haunted me will now fade away into oblivion.

I have loved this man with every fibre of my being, believed whole-heartedly that what we have/had was so special it was worth fighting for and trust me, I have fought to exhaustion.

Ironic that John Legend sang Ordinary People on X-Factor tonight because that's all I want to recite to him but...

After everything each of us have gone through, if he does not feel like it's worth it despite admitting that he could see us together - then I guess I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat.

This isn't letting go, this is definitely giving up... and f*** me it hurts like crazy. 

Mothers and Daughters

I wrote to my mum.

On Sunday night I was wide awake at midnight and I just felt like I needed to stop giving the silent treatment, which wasn't working anyway, and just say how I felt.

I don't think she fully understood the depth of how much her abandonment hurt me, but I guess her response and promise to try harder is a start.

I'm still going to spend Christmas with my grandparents this year though. An apology, of sorts, doesn't wipe the slate clean; we've got a lot of work to do on our relationship. However, I'm not punishing them with my absense, merely protecting myself from further disappointment.

"You always seem so self sufficient and not needing me".

I'm a grown ass woman who has a job and a rents her own home, yes, but I still need her, especially at times like that. Who the hell takes a termination in their stride?! And if she knew me at all she should know that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was old enough to take care of my baby (not so much a baby now as he's 24) brother.

I know that families aren't perfect, and I'm not asking for a phone call every day or family roasts every Sunday, I'd just like to have to do less of the initiating contact and organising; not to be taken for granted.

Actions shall speak louder than words...

Andrea Burden Painting

Changes I've been going through

I started this post over a week ago when I was still sunning myself on holiday but for whatever reason I didn't finish. So here goes...

I thought lying by the pool on a beautiful island like Barbados would help me get over a boat load of issues I've been carrying with me but it seems the Caribbean sun just brings them to the surface.

A few months ago I met someone new. He had left the country and we'd not spoken for weeks, I felt it was time to stop kidding myself about things 'finding their way', get off my ass and start dating. So I met this guy through a friend. He was lovely. We had easy banter and after a couple of weeks chatting we decided to meet up. A few dates later I let myself stay over at his. 

Everyone's schedule gets busy but after a couple of failed attempts to meet up afterwards, the calls and messages stopped. I was so busy with work and social activities, looking forward to my holiday, I wasn't really that fussed and it dawned on me that I perhaps didn't like him as much as I thought. C'est la vie.

I noticed that my mood was swaying between exhausted and irritable. I lost all motivation to go to the gym (not that hard as we all know) but even coming home to the girls, I just wanted to head straight to my room. My body was betraying me too and I put it down to stress. There was something very wrong. 

I left it for a week before I spoke to my housemates about it. As you may know from previous posts, I've battled with depression before, and I was worried that my behaviour was displaying it's return. 

But one morning I woke up and had a thought. I didn't believe I was, I mean how could I be? I slept with him once, it lasted 2 seconds because we were so drunk and more importantly we used protection. The facts were: my period was late, my boobs were swollen and hurt, I'd lost my appetite.

I cried so hard when I saw the test result. I convinced myself that it was a mistake and went to the doctor the very next day. I fell to the floor when she confirmed it. 

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me. I venture out into the world again in an effort to move on and the FIRST person... 

18 days ago, 9th October, I had a pregnancy termination. 

Even putting that down in black and white I can't believe it. 

I did it at home, where two of my housemates took care of me. Both my mum and my sister (who is pregnant by the way) knew what I was going through but it was two people I'd know less than a year who held my hand, wiped the tears from my face and nursed me as I writhed on the sofa in agony. 

I cannot begin to explain what it's like to feel your body reject a life and release it or the emotional trauma you go through. By the next day I was back at my desk completing the last few tasks before my holiday. Yes they said it would be fine to travel. Yes I would most probably bleed for a few days more but I should be perfectly capable of enjoying my trip.

Even as we arrived on the Sunday, I knew I wasn't back to my normal health. I was still experiencing an odd cramping feeling occasionally, which made it hard to sit comfortably. But I found myself, 4 days in, sweat dripping from my head, clutching my body, screaming out because I'm in so much pain. 

The flight had aggravated my cervix, which caused it to become inflamed. I was rushed to a private clinic and put on a drip as I waited for the ambulance. I don't remember much else about that night until I come round in the labour ward, side effects of the pain-killers worn off and I'm having a scan. I'm lucky because I got to go home that night with a prescription of antibiotics.

The flight home undid some of the medication's hard work, I was sick as soon as I got off the plane but I didn't wait around to seek help. As soon as I got back to my London flat, I made a doctors appointment for that day. 

I'm feeling much better. The medication I'm on now does make me feel drowsy, I have unsettling dreams, I'm still off my food so I look a bit scrawny but like I said, I'm feeling much better. 

Why am I bearing my soul to the world? 

Because I need to get it out. 

I'm angry that the only contact my mum has made since I last saw her on the 28th September was a shit text about her greying hair this morning, to which I've not replied. 

I'm angry that I wasn't made aware of the dangers flying could have and that I didn't get antibiotics straight away. 

I'm angry that it affected my holiday and that when I was in the throes of pain, I was silently praying he'd get in contact with me. 

I'm angry that I found myself in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm sad that I feel so alone. That despite speaking to so many people about it, it never feels over. 

I'm sad that the people I love and want to be loved by keep me at arms length. 

I'm sad that I feel I need their love at all; that the love I have for myself isn't enough.

Then I'm really scared. I'm scared that it's ruined me. My chances of love, of being a mother one day.

These are the thoughts that have kept me awake at night, that cause the tears I cry when I'm alone. This is the pain, the disappointment and the shame I feel. These are the changes I've been going through. 

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice" 

Bob Marley

 

When It All Goes Pete Tong

What lifts you from your depths of dispair? Your partner, your friends, your child/children, your family?

I've needed my immediate family to just give a s**t for the last 3 weeks and all I've experienced is silence.

I don't know why it still surprises me or hurts me but it definitely does, and it hurts more when I notice that people I don't know as well pay me more attention.

I've grown so tired of expecting ANYTHING from them, emotionally tired.

I've needed to be held, to be told that everything is going to be alright by someone who truly loves me. But I think that I've reached the point where even if I received it from them I wouldn't believe and couldn't trust it.

It's a sad state of affairs when your housemates of less than a year feel more like family than your own flesh and blood.

If I ever end up having a family of my own, I'm scared I'll be one of those mothers who smother because right now I feel isolated and alone in my own fucking family.

Out Of My Control

When everything seems to start working against me

I get scared and feel so lonely

Time, my own body, my thoughts

I crave for a smidgen of control, but I have none

I just have these disjointed moments when I feel normal, happy almost, and then it's gone

Like being plunged into darkness and not knowing how long you're going to be there

They say 'keep your head up' and I reply 'easier said, than done'

Because when you just want it to be over, it's hard to look for the positives

You just see the end point moving further and further away from you

You're running and going nowhere, only sleep soothes the fear

But you can't sleep forever

Especially when your world is caving in

Everything To Live For

I have 12 sleeps until I'll be jetting off to the beauty of Barbados. I booked my flights back in May and I have been holding on to my sanity ever since.

The last 14 months have been a roller-coaster of highs and depressing lows, confusing twists and turns. I feel like I deserve to treat myself to this, kind of like a little celebratory break for surviving.

Last night I started my packing. I've separated the 'holiday' wear from the 'everyday' wear so I could be clear on what I'm still missing.

Because the last 3 weeks have been a bit of a health nightmare, I've put on just under 3 kgs and it all sits on my stomach, the one place I'd worked so hard to trim down. Sods law really but I won't let it ruin my holiday.

I woke up motivated to go to the gym this evening but as usual that dread has set in. I shall go anyway. I just need to get back into the habit of exercise. I know I'll feel better for going, and will sleep like a log tonight.

I've been training for something on and off for the last year, exercise being the substitution for my lost relationship. Sad really, and yet it's probably the best thing I could have done.

It's better than going out and getting pissed, ending up in bed with a random and okay perhaps I don't enjoy it as much I probably would the getting pissed and ending up in bed with a random, but I've learnt a lot about myself in those hours spent at the gym...

• I'm actually a decent runner when I can empty my mind
• I can achieve most things I put my mind too
• I enjoy the short lived sense of achievement
• It's a great way to spend 30-45 minutes on myself

I'm sure I can lose half of that weight gain in 2 weeks if I'm just consistent and watch what I eat (she says as she finishes a mini Terry's Orange bar). So, as I check the clock... 55 minutes left of my work day... I guess I'll see you on the flip side - or the gym's changing room. Got a beach body to regain!

If I Changed My Mind

I want to talk but the words just won't escape

I really think that I've made the right decision 

But my tear-stained face tells me otherwise

It's hard to think clearly

My mind is so foggy, my vision blurred

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster

She says that it normal

I'm reacting to a sense of loss

Normal… I shouldn't be here 

Putting it out there because holding it in is toxic

I always said I'd end up doing it alone

Maybe the universe is sending it back

Am I making the right decision? 

I was so sure, but now

Am I?

Keeping momentum

Three weeks ago I was chilling in the sunshine enjoying an amazing weekend away in Devon. Since then I've mentally made the decision that I'm moving there, or at least towards the South West.

I've been threatening to leave London for too long now, it's time to put together an action plan.

I discussed it briefly with my coach and I think he assumed I'd not put much thought into it, that I was simply riding the waves of my holiday euphoria, and he's partly right.

Moving away will not solve the issues I have, running away never does but as you all probably know by now I do not want to live in London for the rest of my life.

Someone at work has the same idea. She's moving to Gloucester because she's:

• Single
• 38
• Moved to London to make a lot of money and therefore to save a lot of money but living in London is not cheap and so hasn't saved
• Feels lonely in London
• Enjoys the lifestyle she enjoys when visiting 

I can see her reasons for moving, mine are similar. Yes I have friends here, heck my family are all here, but I just don't enjoy the hustle.

The traffic stresses me out, the number of people, the fact I can't walk to 2 metres down the road without smoke being blown in my face, I can't sleep without being woken by some truck/drunken idiot/ambulance or police car racing passed my window. Rent is so expensive, as is travel - if you're not working all hours to justify a pay rise so you can afford to live, you're working 2 jobs to afford to live.

Don't get me wrong, there's SO much London can offer but you need to be in the right place for it, otherwise it's overwhelming. I'll miss the lights along Embankment at night, having access to so many shows, the variety of music, markets and food. But I've lived here for the majority of my life and yet I yearn for something quieter.

So the saving starts here.

I want to have enough to move and survive a couple of months on savings, though I'll put in the planning beforehand so I have a job to move to.

This is it.

I might not get that cottage I've always dreamt of straight off but at least I'm making a step in the right direction.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

They were not kidding.

Just when I feel I'm getting my life together something comes along to shake the foundations.

I've heard that if life was simple we'd all be bored, but sometimes simple is nice; sometimes simple is just what you need.

For the last couple of months I've been enjoying the flavours of my assorted chocolates. They've not been tasteless nor too overpowering, though I have felt like they lacked a certain something... special, but not enough to spit them out.  

Until this weekend.

This weekend I picked out a coffee/liquorish/celery flavoured one and it's left a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth. 

No amount of teeth brushing, mouthwash swilling will remove it. I'll have to just wait until it fades away naturally. 

Unfortunately every time I swallow it's like it refreshes the flavour, and it makes me nauseous. 

I only love you when I'm drunk

Have you ever reached that level of drunkeness when you just love everyone? 

It doesn't matter that they frustrated you earlier by talking over you or dismissed the point you were making or haven't made an effort in your life for weeks... you just LOVE them.

Life is too short to hate people, regardless of what they've done. Why poison your existence with bad feelings towards another?

I love you despite you putting my siblings first.
I love you despite you having left the company and me missing your ass like crazy.
I love you despite the fact I'm jealous of your new life and family.
I love you despite EVERY THING.

Time To Take It Seriously

Money has always been my biggest weakness. I'm useless with it. As soon as it hits my account, it's gone... doesn't help that I have an addiction to eBay.

I want to save but the things I want to experience cost money.

I have to make peace with the fact that I will never be in a position that I will be able to afford my own home. It's something you really need to start to save for early on, something I wish someone had made clear to me in my late teens.

So this year I've made the decision to invest in my education and life experiences. I've finally found a job that I enjoy and it marries most of my interests.

It's time!

I'm not getting any younger and time just seems to be slipping through my fingers scarily fast.

In two months the lease will be up on our flat and there will be two options: our rent will stay the same and I'll stay or I'll have to move.

As much as I want to get out of London I have finally built up the momentum where I could learn and experience a lot (professionally). I'm not sure if that means staying in my current role, although I'd need to continue REALLY shaking things up, or seek other opportunities.

I've felt myself slip into a bit of a lull recently and I wonder if that's because I've not had a proper break since Christmas. I'm second guessing myself every day. I'm at a point where I feel like I want to just escape it all for a while.

I think I need to refocus. I've got my next coaching session on Saturday morning and I feel like I should reduce the time between sessions for the next few, get back that momentum I had.

One thing I do know is that come January 2015 (eek!!) I'm going to be starting my CIPD course and that will take me one step closer to where I want to be professionally. I have to remember that I'm not superhuman and I have to be careful not to overload myself but I just want to be AWESOME!!

And on that note, here's a link to a real guide on 'How to be Awesome'. I'll be following these tips religiously for the next month to see if it makes any difference.

Dancing In The Rain

Saturday morning I met up with my friend for our first Zumba class together in Camden. We found it as a deal on Groupon and needed a kick start to our Bank Holiday weekend.

Five minutes in and we were sweating, panting and counting down the hour. F**k Tough Mudder, this class was an INSANE workout! But we left feeling on top of the world, ready for Carnival on the Monday.

As you'd expect from British weather, the day I was due to dance in the street wearing next to nothing it rains.

I woke up yesterday morning after a shocking nights sleep, feeling exhausted and lazy. Having stayed over my friends house so we could go to Carnival together, we both sat on the sofa bed staring out at the bleak weather feeling less than motivated to leave the house. 

The general consensus was that we'd stay home or go bowling, but at some point during breakfast we were convinced by her boyfriend that even if we went for an hour, we should make the most of the opportunity, after all we'd paid for the privilege of dancing within a secured area, unlimited alcoholic drinks and snacks. 

Donning our outfits, plus an extra t-shirt and hoodie, we ventured out into the cold - the rain had stopped. Our spirits high, we got to Kensal Rise within 45 minutes of leaving the house. Unfortunately by the time we'd got there it was raining HARD. 

We'd took shelter underneath a shop canopy and waited for the rain to ease about 15 minutes. I was tempted to go home. In fact I announced it a couple of times. I said my goodbyes and was about to leave BUT, for some unknown reason, I changed my mind and we continued on. 

Music, alcohol, laughter and lots of dancing! 

We were soaked through but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! 

Ready For The Road

Do you ever say you'll do something with someone and then find yourself regretting it?

I'm asking myself this question right now as I stare at the costume I'm supposed to be wearing to the Notting Hill Carnival on Monday.

I'm not in the best shape and yet I have signed up to an event where I'm expected to wear next to nothing and I only have myself to blame.

I got home and unpacked the lime green back pack I've paid for... 

Short ass shorts - CHECK

Unflattering boob tube - CHECK

Respectable over top with jewels - CHECK 

Condom - CHECK, wait what? A condom?! WTF are they expecting me to get up to on the streets of Ladbroke Grove? 

The worst thing? I have always thought I had a decent butt. However these shorts have shown me the error of my ways. I must get it from my mum ;) 

So if you're hitting the carnival this weekend, look out for the flat-arsed blue vision with tons of drunken courage! 

Sneaky peek ... 

Pin-Addict

I love everything about Pinterest.

I happily waste a good few hours a week on it, pinning items I wish I had, quotes/saying I wish I had the guts to say, and places I wish I could go.

At the moment my biggest addiction is pinning decor for the home I 'hope' to buy, but will never be able to afford.

I pin anything I like. There's no real theme, except comfort.

I'm a girls girl so there's plenty of floral and colour, possibly and man's nightmare but from my experience they don't even notice unless it's pointed out to them… much like dust!

So I'm following an uber cool thread on Google + called Housetohome for inspiration and get emails from Joss & Main.

I have a good idea of how I want my living area and my kitchen. Ideally I'd love a cottage, so incorporate that into my pins. I think of coming home to sink into a comfortable sofa, surrounded by cushions, neutral and calm colours, making a cup of tea on my AGA ;)

Here are a few examples...

  

If you're more into cool prints, shower curtains and accessories, head to the American site Society6. Absolutely love the random bits you find on there.

I definitely nest. My home is my haven. It's the place I centre myself after a rough day or a hard experience. If my home is in order, life seems more bearable.

What centres you?

Better Than You Know

I DID IT!

I actually made it through what was the hardest physical event I've ever done.

It was the furthest I've ever ran, I was dunked into the coldest water my skin has ever had contact with, I HAVE been muddier but NEVER electricuted. I crawled through tunnels, jumped off a 15ft plank, was the only person in my group to complete the 'Funky' monkey bar challenge, been hauled up a wall by my arse cheek... and enjoyed every bit of it.

The beer at the end of the course was quite possibly the best beer I've ever tastet and you know why? Because I worked damn hard for that beer! I was petrified at the start because even the running, which I'm more familiar and trained for, was hardcore. I never realised here heavy trainers caked in mud were. I could feel it dragged my feet closer and closer to the floor. It was like gravity was bumped up a notch or two and my body was having to fight against it, INSANE!

The comraderie, the laughs, the injuries, I felt such a high upon completition that I'm still wondering if I should sign up for another one.

The bruises on my knees and lower legs, the aches and pains in my shoulders, ribs and hip, the pure exhaustion I feel; that was 3 hours and 15 minutes I'll never regret.

So proud!

Winner

It's come about so quickly I've hardly had a second to really take it in.

In T minus 16 hours I will be starting the toughest fitness challenge of my life.

Why I agreed to do this I have no idea. In January this seemed like a laugh... the day before it, I am terrified.

There's 7 of us doing it together (4 girls and 3 boys) and some have trained more than others. I've done my fair bit but it's been no where near consistent enough, which you know from my previous posts.

I'm not going to say much more on the subject because I am literally lost for words.

All there is left to do is... SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

Back To Basics

I've let myself go a tad. I've been focusing on my professional goals and let my fitness goals slide.

Yesterday I could have gone for a run, I could have done a circuit at home, I could have done something but instead I sat on the sofa and watched episode after episode of Heroes.

I've got a scheduled run tomorrow after work and I'm in no shape to do it, which is a bit terrifying seeing as Tough Mudder is on Saturday. 

I've been put off by the gym because a guy has made me feel uncomfortable but I miss it. I was doing so well.

Barbados is a mere 10 weeks away and I need to be in better shape for it. My only option is to go all in; be strict with what I eat, NO alcohol (except at Carnival) and bite the bloody bullet and just go to the gym 4 times a week until I get my mojo back.

I can fit it all in despite me having said that I can't, I'm just lazy and have chosen to eat crap and watch TV instead of doing something that's going to get me closer to my end goal.

No more excuses - famous last words *rolls eyes*

Do what you love, love what you do

I've found it. The thing I've been searching for my whole adult life.

Not love, but a career.

I've never known 'what I want to be' when I grow up. I've had an idea or two, worked towards making them happen but it never quite felt right.

Finally, I feel like I'm good at something and I have passion for it, which makes ALL the difference.

Working with my coach I feel more focused. I have to prepare for each session and end with a goal I hope to meet in 3-4 weeks, I'm actually dedicating time to this and it feels great.

I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to do everything all at the same time, and despite Tough Mudder being next week, my fitness has been the thing to suffer. But I'm being good with my diet and I'm walking more so I'm not completely sedentary, just wish I had more motivation to buff up the body.

But I'm happy to say that all the effort I've put into my role for the last 5 months has been noticed and I have received a much appreciated pay rise.

This weekend I need to sit down and work through my coaching goals in preparation for next week. Yes I have long-term goals but for now I need to take baby steps.

It's all happening, finally and I'm motivated to keep up the momentum.

Hangover IV

Oh. My. God.

Wednesday Wine and Cheese night has broken me.

First off I don't really like cheese, apart from this one cheddar from Marks & Spenser, so I spent the evening eating this cheese on crackers and some fruit I brought with me, all washed down with wine.

Come 11pm I felt perfectly normal walking to the bus stop with my friend Caz in the warm evening air, but by the time I got home and fell into bed I was SMASHED.

I should have drank some water before falling asleep. I should have, but I didn't and BOY am I paying for it now.

I woke up this morning, knowing I had to wash my hair, and my head was throbbing. It's still throbbing.

I am too old for this shit AND Tough Mudder is in 2 weeks.

I'm gon' die :( sad times

A Year On: Where Would You Rather Be?

A year ago today... It's a bit of a effed up anniversary but it's a good one to remember. 

So much, yet so little has changed.

The moment has come where I can say I've given it my all.

I've tried to be strong, nonchalant, vulnerable, supportive and loving; but there comes a time when you just have to admit defeat, collect what's left of your dignity and march forwards in a different direction.

Today is that day.

My actions from this point are not meant to cause harm or upset but it's time to act my worth.

For him I've always been an option, and I've waited long enough for him to realise things that have been obvious to me all this time. 

Time to refocus my energy.

In ten months time I want to be moving out of London, after having secured a new job and place to live.

A year ago I had to start thinking about me. It's time I reminded myself of that.

"When things aren't adding up in your life, start subtracting"

ANON

A Year On: Handling Business

The reason I have never wanted to be a manager or hold an equivalent status is because I'd have to be invested in office politics, and I just do not have the patience or brain capacity to put up with bullsh*t like that.

And yet I have found my Tuesday morning dealing with a manager trying to avoid getting blamed for crap organisation by pointing his fag-stained finger firmly in my direction.

I am so enraged and I do not handle anger in a professional manner FULL STOP. So profanities flew out of my mouth for all on my floor to hear as I read his poorly written emails palming off HIS responsibilities in my lap.

It's things like this that make me want to throw in the towel and get a job in a shop. F**K!

And now there's a part of me that questioning if he's actually right and I should have done more.

What REALLY got me was when he described himself as a 'middle man' only passing on requirements, not an expert. Well, as far as I'm concerned, given his role in the company, he should be an expert in his field and therefore the perfect person to run a session meant for clarifying aspects relating to his work, no?

Ultimate RAGE coursing through my veins right now. ULTIMATE RAGE!

A Year On: Youth

I remember when I could drink all night and manage a full day's work the next day. Now if I miss out on a couple of hours kip at night, I fall asleep on the bus home and miss my stop!

What happened to the the last decade of my life?

I went to a funeral on Friday. It was extremely emotional and if I'm honest, I felt like a bit of a fraud being there, crying. I haven't been in his life much the last few years and I just didn't feel I could justify my grief.

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I drove up with my little brother, whose actually not that little anymore as he's creeping into his mid-twenties, and we had a 5 hour trip there and back to catch-up.

He finished his degree about 2 years ago now and he's spent that time working in a pub. Forty-five minutes into our journey the big 'learn from my mistakes' sister made an appearance.

I guess I'm just concerned that he's wasting time not working in a field relevant to his degree ESPECIALLY when he wants a career in it. I wanted to communicate, from experience, that it sucks to get to 30 and still be nowhere closer to where you should be in life. I was just giving him a heads up.

And I'm fortunate to have such a diverse group of friends because one of them already works in the field so I've put them in touch on Facebook, hoping that he'll take action and get back on track.

He's not getting the pep talks from either of my parents, they take a more laissez-faire approach, so I thought I'd step in. Five years makes a hell of a difference if you use it wisely.

So bro, get on it while you still have the energy to do it. It all gets harder after 25 ;)

A Year On: Don't Look Back In Anger

So here we are.

I'm actually really surprised at how 'okay' I feel.

The first three months were HELL. In the midst of them I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I would be stuck in that pain forever; drowning.

When I found the girls (housemates) things started to change. I felt at home in the flat we rented. I felt happier to spend time on my own. I'd made new friends.

Christmas was hard. I didn't hear from him at all and that really hurt me. At a time for family and friends, I was silently recovering from losing someone I loved so deeply.

Our contact started up again late January; February.... happened and then he left London.

I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, like my feelings for him would leave my body, setting me free but that didn't happen. Instead I'd count the days in between conversations and purposefully not initiate contact.

March, April, May.

So much was happening for me at work, I could feel myself getting stronger and more confident, I finally had direction, a sense of purpose but he was still on my mind every night.

Then we had a chat and he told me his plans, it was all starting to fall into place, he was actually going. As much I liked hearing the news from the horse's mouth, knowing what was happening instead of wondering, it was like I kept picking at a scab trying to heal.

June. His last month in the UK.

The words he said... the words he didn't. And then he was gone.

I'd like to say that I'm moving on, I try to stay away but I always find myself giving in. I'm torn. My head knows what I need to do, I just can't seem to convince my heart.

"Is there still a chance? Xx"

A text from his mum 

I shouldn't have to wait. I shouldn't have to be a choice. I'm worth and deserve so much more? So WHY can't I let it go?

I know what will happen, it's happened before. I'll not let go because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic and believe it will all work out and in 6 - 12 months he'll find someone else and I'll have to start from scratch.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love"

Warsan Shire

A Year On: Believe In Your-F**king-Self

Confidence.

It's so complex.

I was having a conversation the other week with a male friend of mine and at one point it got amusingly heated because though he said he felt he was winning in the end we just ran out of steam. I kept fighting back his argument. I wasn't wholly destroying it because I partly agreed with him, but what I was trying to say was:

Men and women will never be equal because we play from different rule books and speak a different language.

True, no?

Now when I said this to one of my closest female friends she almost slapped me, but hear me out...

I'm not claiming that women are the weaker sex; women lift weights, run ma-hou-sive organisations & countries - we are NOT weak, it's just that most of us merely approach things from a different perspective to men and THAT's what I'm getting at.

It's also driven by the perception of how a woman should act.

Most of the time if a woman says she doesn't want to have children, people bulk. If she has children but leaves them most of the day because of her passion for her work, she's seen as neglectful. If she acts in a way that appears detached, she's viewed as cold-hearted and called a bitch. Men, not so much. They'd be praised and more often than not, promoted.

The conversation all stemmed from a simple question:

Do you think you're confident? 

I can be, in situations. On the whole, I wouldn't say I was. As an Aries, confidence is supposed to be ingrained but I have deep insecurities I try to keep hidden, that I cannot explain. One characteristic I do have of a typical Arian is that I hate failure but the fear is so large I just don't try.

When I look in the mirror I'm aware of the things that can be improved, which is bizarre when others around you are saying otherwise.

How easy is it to REALLY change that behaviour and turn limiting beliefs into positive ones?

A Year On: In Between The Lines

You receive a text from a boy.

It's not asking a question, in fact it's more of a statement, so you don't need to reply. It's complimentary and you're flattered, but despite what he's said his actions are contradictory.

What message do you go with?

Further to my Shut That Door post, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards the men in my life that seem to want me to wait for when the timing is good and ready for THEM.

It's like that song by Loose Ends 'Hanging On A String' whose lyrics are:

I've waited oh so long for you to come to me

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me

Baby I feel it too, What am I supposed to do?

Maybe I've just changed, Or could I be wrong for you?

You, you've got me hangin' on a string now

I'm not your plaything x2

You never told me you were waiting, contemplating

With my heart, my love x2

Do you mean to say that after all this time

I've waited like a fool, now who's been changin' you?

And that's my biggest fear.

Someone said to me recently that perhaps I'm attracting men at a crossroads because I'm at a crossroads. At a fork in the road. 

I think it's probably best for me to cut myself off. 

A Year On: Down With The Clique?!

Housemate 1 is going away for a month. A while back she mentioned getting someone in to cover her rent and asked myself and Housemate 2 whether we'd be okay with it.

My initial reaction was a positive shrug. But then Housemate 3, the one that didn't get asked and who doesn't really hold Housemate 1 is high regard, pointed out that this person would be a stranger in our rented accommodation, with a key and no contractual responsibility.

Suddenly Housemate 2 and I felt sheepish and wanted to retract our agreement.

Fast forward a couple of months forward, two days before Housemate 1 is due to fly out, and she's got interest from a friend of a friend. She WhatsApp's a message about it to the group chat asking if we're available to meet her. I'm the only one around this evening and Housemate number 1 won't even be home to greet her.

Housemate 2 and 3 won't be around and express reservations. Housemate 1 suggest getting locks on doors and seems surprised at the reaction.

I feel bad because she's right, the consensus was to meet the person first and now that she's pointed it out, it would be highly unlikely that the person would be a friend we'd get to spend time with beforehand because wouldn't that mean they've got somewhere to stay in London already?

Part of me wonders if Housemate 2 and I just rushed in with our initial okay or if we've actually been swayed by Housemate 3.

A quick interview style meet'n'greet the day before she's supposed to move in just doesn't sit right with me but... are we being too harsh?

A Year On: Shut that door

I could be learning new skills or I could be honing existing ones. Why waste energy on people who aren't fussed? 

Honestly, what do we look like; bus stops?! Guys need to realise they can’t just pitch up to have a rest!



I love these conversations because they do make you question your priorities, your actions. 

I spend a lot of my energy on love. 

Thinking about it, writing about it, wishing and hoping for it, occasionally looking for it. 

I listen to it, friends regaling their own issues or happy experiences with it, songs that paint different pictures of it. 

I watch it play out in front of me, couples walking hand in hand down the street, canoodling in the park on a sunny day, movies idealising it. 

I read about it in the simple chick lit novels I'm addicted to, in the magazines my housemates litter our front room table with. 

It's within my reach wherever I am and yet I can't quite grasp it. 

"If you want to be in my life, open the door. If you want to leave my life then shut the door. But don’t stand in the doorway and block traffic."

Someone somewhere